January 18, 2010

  • Epiphany

    I always thought that I wouldn't have to go through life doing things I "have to" do, but that I would somehow find what it is that I really like to do and somehow find meaning, purpose, and a career doing that. Lately I seem to have lost my motivation to study or work. I've been spending all my time on leisurely activities, keeping to myself. I was beginning to wonder if, because I would rather watch TV than study for the OAT, if that meant that I didn't have a true calling. I began to doubt myself, and all the things I used to say I was passionate about. I began to doubt my identity and my purpose.
    Doing nothing but leisurely activities all during break has left me in a state of melancholy. I would play all night, sleep through the day, and wake up to repeat this cycle of indulgence. Occasionally some part of me would cry out against this pointless, downward spiral. But instead of sorting things out by praying, talking with a friend, or journaling about it, I would numb my senses with another episode of Smallville or just sleep. Weeks went by, and I continued this decline. In the complete absence of discipline or limitations, it was as if entropy was rotting my life away. I didn't study. I didn't work out. I didn't do my devotionals. I stayed up all night, slept as late as I wanted, and ate whenever and whatever I wanted. The leisurely activities I did remained enjoyable, entertaining, captivating... addicting. However, a deeper part of me was beginning to cry out. It was deeper than a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should be studying, preparing, or working out. Deep in my soul, I was beginning to feel aimless and pointless. Life was starting to seem dull and meaningless. I used to be so passionate. I had a vision and a mission. I had wholeheartedly given myself to a cause I truly believed in, and the energy born from that dedication was my fuel for worship. But all of that seemed to have slipped away from me. The dissonance between who I am and who I'm meant to be was reaching a breaking point. I locked myself in my room and spent the next few hours on my knees in prayer and reflecting. Afterwards, I felt as if I had regained some sense of self.
    Earlier I mentioned that I was starting to wonder if I had a true calling of if I was really passionate about serving people and helping people see, and that I started to doubt because I enjoyed having fun more than studying. I realize now that even if I were offered a job where I got paied to watch anime and movies or play video games all day, I wouldn't take it. There would be no sense of purpose and no meaning. I've seen how a prolonged indulgence to leisurely activites can rob me of my vision, of my fire. I understand now; I want to do things for a greater purpose. It won't always be pleasent, but it'll always be meaningful. There will be times when I'd rather do something else- like hang out with friends instead of study- or sleep instead of staying up all night preparing for an exam; but these trials that come are what lets me know that I'm persuing something worthwhile. Sometimes I'll be tired and sometimes I'll be drained; but that's why breaks and times of rest and leisurely activites are still appropriate, in moderation. I understand now that God has given me my interests as well as my passion, vision, and fire. There's a time for everything, and if I learn to life a life of discipline and balance, then I could be true to myself and worship God whether I'm studying or playing.