January 21, 2010

  • I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I didn't think something like that would bother me so much. It was such a short facebook message; not even two sentences. But upon reading the short message, I felt like I was hit by a bus. My heart stopped. There was this sour, sinking feeling in my stomach. Did my vision blur? Or maybe my mind just went dizzy. I feel like I just got hit in the head.
    Feelings... why won't these feelings go away? Am I jealous? Head still swirling... heart still sinking... can't think.

    I have to remind myself. I chose to step back first, because I thought that's what would be best for everyone in the end. I can't complain now that we're distant...

    I hate how I'm torn. I want to do what is right, what is loving. Yet, I can't fully let go of my feelings and desires, no matter how hard I try to deny them. In the end, I am left feeling like Tantalus, trapped in eternal torment of temptation without satisfaction.