March 30, 2011

  • Dreams

    I shall do something I haven't done in a while, and that is journal about some dreams I had. I had three strange dreams last night, two nightmares and one dream. I think in the end, the nightmares are worth the dream. In the end... isn't life that way too?

    In my first and shortest dream, I was hanging out with my friends at the apartment occasionally, much like I do nowadays, and in fact am doing now. Anyway the difference is that one day, I discovered that I had in fact signed up for school, and that I was already falling further and further behind because I had not been going to class or doing any homework (because I didn't realize it).

    In my second dream, I was a student in Monica's class. She gave off the vibe of being a very new teacher but was still very good at what she did, and built a lot of reppore with the class. However, in this class there are all types of students, and one student in particular took advantage of her being new, small, and cute, and her friendly approach to teaching, and gave her a hard time. I played more of a supportive role and tried to console her after she was flustered having to reprimand the other student. In this odd dream we were also really close, and I remember being really happy that we were such good friends. There was another student in particular that stood out to me. He was kind of plane looking, and to me, not that attractive. Although he wasn't a troublemaker, there was definitely something really odd and awkward about him, like he was crude, unrefined, and out of place. Both Monica and myself tried to reach out to him (at this point I don't know if the student/teacher/classroom setting was still in place or if it had already dissolved in the dream) and it was just us three. After a while, Monica left, and I continued talking to the guy. I felt like I was having more success reaching out to him, and at a certain point I realized why- this unattractive misfit was me. Upon realizing that, initially I was indignant, thinking I'm not ugly...! but after a while it seemed to make sense; perhaps the physical was just a reflection of the internal, and at a certain point in my buried past, I was definitely awkward and completely undesirable, at least to myself.

    In my third and final dream, I was once again in a classroom setting. This time the teacher was some old professor I had never met. Anyway, we were ordered to put on a spur-of-the-moment variety show type thing. Random students did random things, but it was all very amateur. I remember two people before me wanting to do some sort of a simple dance with a prop in the back. I thought hey, that's not a bad idea, maybe I'll do that too. As I started cutting out and preparing the prop, I thought What the heck am I doing?! I can't copy them! If I end up going before them, they'll be pissed, and if I go after them, that's even worse, the whole class will ridicule me for just copying. But I had already signed up to present something, so there was no backing down. As the moment drew closer and closer for me to present, my mind grew frantic. Suddenly, I had the random idea to do stand up comedy, improv (or "freestyle" as I called it in the dream, because although I knew there was a word for it, I couldn't quite recall the word. It's interesting that the tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon- yes, that is a legit psychological term- exists in dreams as well. Anyway, I digress...). I gave the suggestion to my partner, and he looked at me like one would look at a dog with rabies. "Oh no... there's no way, we can't..." he began to protest. It was understandable, because I also felt the pressure of stage fright and the fear of making fools of ourselves as our first impression to the class. At the last moment, the class ended, which meant that we would have until tomorrow to present. I silently thanked God for giving me the opportunity to script things, or at least think about what topics to talk about... so at the very least it wouldn't have to be complete improv after all.

    What a strange mess of dreams. I think recently I've started to stray from the habit of writing down my dreams... because as interesting or even insightful as they may seem upon waking up, it inevitably feels really silly after writing it down. It's as if there's some magical essence about dreams that can not be captured by words or logic. I was very facinated with dreams at one time, and in high school even wanted to become a psychologist and do research in the field of dreams. Anyway, I shall go psudo-Freudian on myself:

    The first dream is simple enough to decipher. It must be a reflection of my anxiety of falling behind in optometry school. Now that I got accepted, there's no longer the anxiety of being rejected or the pressure to compete against other candidates. However, there's a whole new kind of pressure, the pressure to do well. Because now the competition is with myself, and never mind falling behind, I'm not even satisfied with just getting by; I want to be the best that I can be, so that I can become an amazing optometrist, to use those skills to my fullest capacity and serve the people around me as an act of worship to God.  I guess falling behind in school would be the opposite of that and would be the nightmare.

    The second dream, when written down, sounds so silly. Why was Monica, my smallgroup leader, my good friend and teacher in the dream? Maybe because I always wanted to be close friends with someone like her, but in reality, I won't allow it. In the past, I had an unbridled approach towards friendship, and would indiscriminately seek out intimate friendship with people that I found to be fascinating, regardless of whether they were a guy or a girl. I've also received much rebuke for that in the past, and since then, I've begun to understand the wisdom for that at least a little bit. So, the window of opportunity for me to form intimate platonic friendships with girls has closed, maybe forever. But my heart is the same.
    The second part of this dream... now that's really weird. I'd like to think it's a reflection of how much I've grown. Maybe not that many years ago, I was awkward and alone, and really quite odd. But if I were to think of myself today, despite still working on my character and a laundry list of flaws, I would say that at the very least I've become someone who is capable of recognizing and reaching out to those who would benefit from it. In the end, that's the message of my life, right? I've received an abundance of grace when I needed it, and continue to receive such grace today because I'm in no less need of it, and therefore I extend grace out of the abundance that I've been shown.

    The final dream is perhaps an extension of that growth. I can't say I'd voluntarily do improv stand up comedy, but I always admired those with the ability to do so and having that amount of confidence would be nice.