June 17, 2011

  • Today was the last full day of Ada's visit. Ada, Jon, and myself woke up early and went downtown to get tickets for the architecture boat tour. Unfortunately, the time slot we wanted was sold out. Since the next available tour would make me late for class, I wasn't able to go. Just as I was feeling especially heavy-hearted, it started to rain even harder. Jon backed out of the boat tour to keep me company, but as soon as Ada was out of sight, he became furiously angry at me for not refusing his offer and telling him to go on the tour. After he shed some light on Ada's view of our relationship, we parted ways and I went to class. I managed to maintain focus in class despite emotional upheaval, a discipline I definitely lacked until a couple years ago. After class I went back to my apartment and collapsed in prayer. I had not yet identified why I felt so defeated and upset when Ada and Jon came over. I spent the next hour or so waiting with them until it was time for their dinner with Olivia. It was like keeping my hand on a hot grill. Every fiber of my being is screaming in agony, and every instinct and reflex tells me to pull away. But through sheer willpower I keep my hand there, and not only not wince but force myself to smile. Until... I choke on the home stretch. Something I did or said causes Ada to storm off, cursing up a storm, leaving me and Jon behind.

     

    Decisions, decisions... Having lost both my best friend and my closest and dearest friend, I'll admit that this was the closest I've ever been to giving into the temptation to get shitface drunk, which was ironically just what this past Sunday's sermon was on. But that's not what I ended up doing.

    I was lying there, immobilized, when Jin calls me up to hang out. Even through several rounds of intense basketball he was able to tell that I was troubled. We talked a little bit while shooting around and working on some drills. Afterwards, he got me dinner and we hung out at the apartment for a bit.

    I have no idea what direction I will go from here... Life feels like an infinite sigh. *sigh*  bummed