So yesterday I was walking around the RC with guitar in hand, looking for a place to pray and do my devotionals, when I noticed one of my classmates crying on the phone. Later that night as I was about to fall asleep, I remembered her. Filled with concern and compassion for my classmate, I forced myself out of bed and went to see if she was OK. We ended up going to one of the lounges and talked for a while, and I was relieved to see that she seemed to be doing better. Later on, a few other classmates came into the lounge. One of them made an awkward/teasing joke. I was trying to think of of a witty, "well played" way to diffuse the awkwardness, but unfortunately, I'm not that quick on my feet. Before I could respond, the classmate whom I've been talking with made a comment that spared herself by shooting my worth and image to the dirt.
*sigh*
Will this be the continued story of my life? I'll continue to expend myself for others, while people will only think of sparing themselves at my expense.

Today I asked one of my classmates for help in anatomy. It's not easy asking for help, and even harder when that request is ignored. I thought I saw something in her- that not only is she intelligent and hardworking, but also innocent, gracious, confident, relentlessly caring, and so much more than meets the eye. Can I bare to continue to believe in people, even when my heart is filled with disappointment? With all of my closest friends, I see their unique strength, glory, and beauty. I make a conscious effort to draw out these admirable qualities more and to encourage them with it. I want to encourage them towards becoming the wonderful men and women I believe they were meant to be.
*sigh*
But it doesn't always work out that way. In the past, my intentions have sometimes been misunderstood. And of course, I'm not perfect either. Like I mentioned before, I can also get disappointed and discouraged.

I will continue to care about and believe in people. Compassion that is conditional is not reassuring at all, and putting a limit on how much you believe in someone shows that you never believed in them in the first place.
...it's just... really hard sometimes, that's all. 

Sometimes it feels like my life can be described by a sine wave, with cycles of highs and lows. I guess that's true even after I started optometry school. From the start, I fell behind academically. Every time it seems like I'm about to catch up, waves of exam and new material come crashing down. *sigh*

I've noticed that I go through bouts of high and low confidence with people as well. I can climb high mountains, but am afraid to look down (allegorically). It's interesting that after years life experience in undergrad, reading various books, and listening to interesting psycho-theologic theories like the Heart Motives sermon series, I can understand pretty well what's going on in my heart. When I first started optometry school, I deliberately avoided seeking out time with my few remaining closest friends. I wanted to completely immerse myself in the community of optometry students, force myself out of my comfort zone, meet as many people as possible, and not rely on my close friends who are all in this city as a crutch. I wanted to be on at least friendly terms with everyone in my class and have at least one meaningful conversation with as many people as possible to get to know as many people as I can. I wanted to make my friendship available to people who are far away from home and missing their friends and family. I guess underlying all of this was the unquestioned assumption that I have something to offer, that my friendship would be a blessing to others, and that if people just got to know me then they would love me. (My round of high confidence, as a Love-Me in success layer- for those of you who would get this arcane Heart Motives reference). Although there really was a genuine desire to reach out to and be a blessing to as many people as possible, knowing myself, there must have also been an underlying tendency to try and find the one or two people I can really trust, deeply love, and become close friends with. So while I was meeting people, the deepest, darkest, and most selfish parts of my heart was probably at work trying to identify the ones whom I want to have a close friendship with. This part of me was probably evaluating everyone I met based off of my secretly high standards for close, trusted friends: their character; whether they have any noble, admirable, or praiseworthy qualities; if there's anything I find quirky or endearing about them; if they seem like they are loyal; and my perception of their ability and willingness for giving and receiving love and being close friends.
Once I get a general feeling of who they might be, I'd probably start spending more and more time with them. When I get to the point where I've picked out these "chosen ones", something interesting happens. It's almost as if there's a switch inside of me, and now, instead of being super confident, easy going, and persistently engaging, I take a step back and become super sensitive. (My bout of low confidence, now in Love-Me failure layer). All of a sudden I'm worried that if I spend too much time with them they would become weary of me. I start overthinking and overanalyzing things; everything I do becomes planned and calculated as I try to manipulate various situations. I'll also start doing little tests to gauge whether they value our friendship. I've learned over the years to actively restrain myself from testing my friends, but occasionally, especially during the process of deepening relationships, I'll let slip. Since at that point I won't notice that I'm doing it, it'd probably be something very slight; something I say or a seemingly innocent question, a casual touch, or just "disappearing" and not taking initiative for a while. If the person "passes" then I draw them into a closer circle in my heart. By the way, everything I've described up until now would be going on subconsciously, and I would be completely oblivious to these ignoble underworkings within my heart. Usually though, what will happen is this person will do something minor like say something somewhat criticizing, decline an invitation, or ditch me without reason/warning/explanation when we were supposed to meet up and I become extremely upset (although I maintain my composure and don't show it). Now, something that would have been slightly offensive at worse discourages me to the breaking point, a simple "no" becomes shattering rejection, and something that I would have shrugged off as someone being inconsiderate or forgetful is received as crushing abandonment. So of course by this point bright red flags and nylon signs are going off and I realize that something about me is seriously messed up, even though I don't know what it is.
Maintaining my smile just long enough to give these "chosen ones" the impression that nothing is wrong, I retreat to the sanctuary of my room. Dazed and confused, battered and bruised, I fall to my knees and break down in prayer (sometimes also with song and guitar), crying out to God. Eventually I'm reminded that I'm hurt only because I've (once again) misplaced my heart, and everything I've described above about my heart motives is revealed to me. Let me just say that it's very humbling for me to be convicted of how wicked I am. The underlying assumptions during my bouts of high confidence are, first off, prideful and completely ludicrous. I'm not loveable at all, and the more someone got to know me, probably the more horrified they would be. Secondly, I've got nothing of worth to offer anyone; the only times in my entire life where I've ever been a blessing or encouragement to anyone are the times I've been humble enough to let God work in my life to be a blessing to others. I think I'm being friendly and generous with my time and my friendship, that I strive to see the good in everyone, but at the same time, I'm functioning with an ulterior motive. I objectify people by evaluating them based on their capacity to satisfy my selfish desire to be loved. I justify that in my head by saying that I'm willing to completely pour out my life and all my love in return, but as Jesus put it, it's easy to love those who love you; true love is that which is extended even to your enemies. So, still in my room, still praying, I start to remember that I'm no longer enslaved by the insatiable desire to be loved and accepted. I start to believe that, no matter what I may be feeling, faith tells me that I am already intimately loved and unconditionally accepted by a God who demonstrated his sincerity on the cross. I find myself being filled with strength and security that is independent of anyone's approval of me. And I remember that I was put on this earth for a purpose: to protect, to heal, and to serve, not to constantly trip up over petty things.
So after 20-60 minutes or so of prayer, guitar, and songs, I am strengthened and refreshed enough to shrug off whatever bothered me before and keep focus on doing what I gotta do. That'll usually last for a little while at least, but then I start to forget the things I prayed about and eventually something this person says or does trips me up again and saps my strength. And I end up going back to my room and praying, and repeating this whole process. It's a constant struggle, hence the continued resemblance to a sine wave. By the way, let me just say that even though I'm super busy with school, I end up praying so much not because I'm "religious" or super spiritual or strong or whatever. It's actually just the opposite; it's a testament to how weak I am, how pathetically short my memory is, and how desperately I need a constant reminder of God's grace.

Let me just say that when I started journaling today, I did not expect to share my darkest sins and expose my wretched depravity to the world of Xanga. But somehow, when I think about how, even though I'm so messed up that God still loves me, forgives me, and seeks to have that deep, loving relationship that I long for with me, I'm not so worried about other people's view of me.