I know exactly what's going on with me. It's actually astoundingly simple. You see, at the very core of my heart, I have always longed for intimacy. It has always been an idol of mine. I know that God designed my heart with the longing to connect and for intimacy and meant it as my greatest strength; but it has been warped by sin into my greatest weakness. Over the years, it has manifested itself in a variety of broken relationships, with both men and women, platonic and romantic. I know that I was emotionally dependent on my friends and former discipler, and it strained many of these relationships to the point where the friendship did not last. Over the years, God has been faithful and redeemed this desire for intimacy such that I am able to be a blessing to others, as well as enjoy deep, rich, meaningful, God-glorifying friendships.
However, the work of redemption is not yet complete, and there is a form of this desire that remains unaddressed: specifically, the longing for deep, exclusive, romantic intimacy. I hold adamantly to not entering into relationships with girls that I know aren't right for me because I don't want to knowingly selfishly use a person and a relationship to satisfy my idolatry. However, unbeknownst to me, my sneaky, sinister, sinful heart has always tried to satisfy that idolatry for deep, exclusive, romantic intimacy through the context of friendships. I know that I tried to do so in the past through Sis, and more recently, through Jessica and Aundrea here at ICO. Needless to say, it's lead to a lot of messed up issues and unnecessary drama in all of those friendships. Recently, I have been living completely enslaved to this desire. In the beginning, I felt all of my strength and joy evaporate. Then this sinful, idolatrous desire started to erode at the vision of the purpose that God has for me, and I lost passion for the mission God has given me. Eventually, I started to lose Hope, and without Hope, there is no life. I know that was the natural consequence of putting my Hope in the wrong thing, and that idol had disappointed me, leaving me with thoughts of wanting to throw myself off a roof. I believe the only reason I didn't was because I was holding on to a small thread of Hope in Christ. But that faith is so small, so pathetic, that it made me questions as to whether I can really say I'm looking to Christ for salvation, whether I've really drank from the living water. I've been given the insight to understand exactly what's going on. I see clearly how putting my Hope in this idol has robbed me of all the love, treasures, and spiritual blessings God has intended for me, such as being a man of strength and character, being passionately on fire for a purpose and a cause that's greater than myself, making powerful impact on the lives and hearts of those around me, and experiencing a deep, unshakable sense of security, love, and peace. Knowing that, I've been praying that God would help me to surrender my idol, that I may be able to let go of my desire for deep, romantic intimacy and trust him with my heart. But it's more than that. I don't want to want this just because I know God is what's best for me, that trusting in him is what will make me the most functional, and that it is the way in which I would be the most blessed. I want, more than anything, that my heart could be moved by the love of a God who would desire such goodness upon me, even though I'm so unworthy and unfaithful. I want to know God's love more deeply and personally, so that I can not help but be captivated and fall in love with him. But I rarely feel anything, and it scares me that I can know so much and believe so little. When all is said and done, when I'm living in the moment and when I'm too mentally exhausted to mull over the truth that I just shared, my feelings and actions reflect a heart that is still enslaved to a desire that leads to death (almost literally).
Today, as I have been doing so recently, I prayed that God would convict my heart that it is wrong and sinful to hide under the guise of friendship and use these friendships to satisfy my desire for exclusive, romantic intimacy. I prayed that I would be so moved with conviction of my sinfulness that I would break down in remorse and let go of my pride and idolatry. I believe that state is known as "humility," and I believe this is the only condition my heart can be in, in order for me to be able to receive the Gospel as good news that saves.
Aundrea came over today, and by the grace and mercy of God, I was able to receive some closure and reconciliation with her. We might not be close friends, but I'm glad that we are no longer in a state of relational brokenness. I think I've let go of trying to satisfy my idolatrous desires through my friendship with Jess or Aundrea. However, I'm not so sure that I've let go of the root of the issue, my idolatry. I finished these prayers, and I don't feel any different. I don't feel broken down with conviction and remorse over the sinfulness of my actions, and I don't feel overwhelmed with God's love and grace for me. I want my heart to be transformed... but I don't know how.

A huge box came for me in the mail today

New year, new year's resolutions

New year's resolution arsenal- bring it on!   >: D