A couple weeks ago I was on my way to church from the suburbs and I saw this:

Eight Ferarries! ...I guess that's just the kind of neighborhood my parents live in now.

Today was the last full day of Ada's visit. Ada, Jon, and myself woke up early and went downtown to get tickets for the architecture boat tour. Unfortunately, the time slot we wanted was sold out. Since the next available tour would make me late for class, I wasn't able to go. Just as I was feeling especially heavy-hearted, it started to rain even harder. Jon backed out of the boat tour to keep me company, but as soon as Ada was out of sight, he became furiously angry at me for not refusing his offer and telling him to go on the tour. After he shed some light on Ada's view of our relationship, we parted ways and I went to class. I managed to maintain focus in class despite emotional upheaval, a discipline I definitely lacked until a couple years ago. After class I went back to my apartment and collapsed in prayer. I had not yet identified why I felt so defeated and upset when Ada and Jon came over. I spent the next hour or so waiting with them until it was time for their dinner with Olivia. It was like keeping my hand on a hot grill. Every fiber of my being is screaming in agony, and every instinct and reflex tells me to pull away. But through sheer willpower I keep my hand there, and not only not wince but force myself to smile. Until... I choke on the home stretch. Something I did or said causes Ada to storm off, cursing up a storm, leaving me and Jon behind.

Decisions, decisions... Having lost both my best friend and my closest and dearest friend, I'll admit that this was the closest I've ever been to giving into the temptation to get shitface drunk, which was ironically just what this past Sunday's sermon was on. But that's not what I ended up doing.

I was lying there, immobilized, when Jin calls me up to hang out. Even through several rounds of intense basketball he was able to tell that I was troubled. We talked a little bit while shooting around and working on some drills. Afterwards, he got me dinner and we hung out at the apartment for a bit.

I have no idea what direction I will go from here... Life feels like an infinite sigh. *sigh*  

I had another dream last night.

This big, older guy was driving a huge red pickup truck, similar to the one in Twilight... except it was different because the driver's part had no roof, like a convertible. For some odd reason, he let this tiny elementary school girl drive the truck. It was snowing and hazardous outside, but it seemed like she was driving OK... for the first few seconds, and then she smashed into a parked car. They got off the truck and went somewhere down the road. I decided to help by driving the truck to them. Along the way, I felt like I had to pick up a bunch of people and give a bunch of people rides home. Grace was the first person I came across. She ignored my outstretched hand and climbed onto the back of the pickup truck herself. I remember we were talking a little bit, about rather ordinary things. I remember her commenting something about friendships, and how there are some people she's known for over seven years that she's not close friends with. I replied with something about the time of knowing someone and also chemistry being possibly another factor, but in my mind I was thinking something else. Did she say that as a warning, not to expect anything? Anyways, it's hard enough to take things so slowly... I think if we were not any closer at all a year or seven years from now, I should be severely disappointed. We went on and talked about something else. I think I mentioned how when talking with others, I used to be more vocal with sharing my thoughts and values about various things like relationships, theology, life, etc. but now I instead try and get the other person to share. Anyways we went along for a while more, and picked up a bunch more people before eventually picking up the owner of the pick up truck and that elementary school girl. I helped some of the passengers up and thought, I hope she didn't get the wrong suspicion when I offered her a hand earlier... I always offer people a helping hand. The pickup truck was so packed that some of the passengers had to sit up front. Grace sat next to me, because I needed her to navigate. A big, heavy kid sat in on my lap or something, and it was hard to see around him and drive, and I remember thinking this sucks... and it's dangerous. It would make much more sense to have him switch places with a girl, but I guess that would be too easily misjudged... oh well. It was still snowy and hazardous outside, and I could barely see my right side because of the big kid, and I was feeling very anxious as Grace directed me towards the highway...

...and then I woke up.

It was kind of a cruel dream in that it was a reasonably realistic projection of what my relationship with Grace might be like today... if... if...
....Well. One day, I shall see her again outside of dreams. 

I shall do something I haven't done in a while, and that is journal about some dreams I had. I had three strange dreams last night, two nightmares and one dream. I think in the end, the nightmares are worth the dream. In the end... isn't life that way too?

In my first and shortest dream, I was hanging out with my friends at the apartment occasionally, much like I do nowadays, and in fact am doing now. Anyway the difference is that one day, I discovered that I had in fact signed up for school, and that I was already falling further and further behind because I had not been going to class or doing any homework (because I didn't realize it).

In my second dream, I was a student in Monica's class. She gave off the vibe of being a very new teacher but was still very good at what she did, and built a lot of reppore with the class. However, in this class there are all types of students, and one student in particular took advantage of her being new, small, and cute, and her friendly approach to teaching, and gave her a hard time. I played more of a supportive role and tried to console her after she was flustered having to reprimand the other student. In this odd dream we were also really close, and I remember being really happy that we were such good friends. There was another student in particular that stood out to me. He was kind of plane looking, and to me, not that attractive. Although he wasn't a troublemaker, there was definitely something really odd and awkward about him, like he was crude, unrefined, and out of place. Both Monica and myself tried to reach out to him (at this point I don't know if the student/teacher/classroom setting was still in place or if it had already dissolved in the dream) and it was just us three. After a while, Monica left, and I continued talking to the guy. I felt like I was having more success reaching out to him, and at a certain point I realized why- this unattractive misfit was me. Upon realizing that, initially I was indignant, thinking I'm not ugly...! but after a while it seemed to make sense; perhaps the physical was just a reflection of the internal, and at a certain point in my buried past, I was definitely awkward and completely undesirable, at least to myself.

In my third and final dream, I was once again in a classroom setting. This time the teacher was some old professor I had never met. Anyway, we were ordered to put on a spur-of-the-moment variety show type thing. Random students did random things, but it was all very amateur. I remember two people before me wanting to do some sort of a simple dance with a prop in the back. I thought hey, that's not a bad idea, maybe I'll do that too. As I started cutting out and preparing the prop, I thought What the heck am I doing?! I can't copy them! If I end up going before them, they'll be pissed, and if I go after them, that's even worse, the whole class will ridicule me for just copying. But I had already signed up to present something, so there was no backing down. As the moment drew closer and closer for me to present, my mind grew frantic. Suddenly, I had the random idea to do stand up comedy, improv (or "freestyle" as I called it in the dream, because although I knew there was a word for it, I couldn't quite recall the word. It's interesting that the tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon- yes, that is a legit psychological term- exists in dreams as well. Anyway, I digress...). I gave the suggestion to my partner, and he looked at me like one would look at a dog with rabies. "Oh no... there's no way, we can't..." he began to protest. It was understandable, because I also felt the pressure of stage fright and the fear of making fools of ourselves as our first impression to the class. At the last moment, the class ended, which meant that we would have until tomorrow to present. I silently thanked God for giving me the opportunity to script things, or at least think about what topics to talk about... so at the very least it wouldn't have to be complete improv after all.

What a strange mess of dreams. I think recently I've started to stray from the habit of writing down my dreams... because as interesting or even insightful as they may seem upon waking up, it inevitably feels really silly after writing it down. It's as if there's some magical essence about dreams that can not be captured by words or logic. I was very facinated with dreams at one time, and in high school even wanted to become a psychologist and do research in the field of dreams. Anyway, I shall go psudo-Freudian on myself:

The first dream is simple enough to decipher. It must be a reflection of my anxiety of falling behind in optometry school. Now that I got accepted, there's no longer the anxiety of being rejected or the pressure to compete against other candidates. However, there's a whole new kind of pressure, the pressure to do well. Because now the competition is with myself, and never mind falling behind, I'm not even satisfied with just getting by; I want to be the best that I can be, so that I can become an amazing optometrist, to use those skills to my fullest capacity and serve the people around me as an act of worship to God.  I guess falling behind in school would be the opposite of that and would be the nightmare.

The second dream, when written down, sounds so silly. Why was Monica, my smallgroup leader, my good friend and teacher in the dream? Maybe because I always wanted to be close friends with someone like her, but in reality, I won't allow it. In the past, I had an unbridled approach towards friendship, and would indiscriminately seek out intimate friendship with people that I found to be fascinating, regardless of whether they were a guy or a girl. I've also received much rebuke for that in the past, and since then, I've begun to understand the wisdom for that at least a little bit. So, the window of opportunity for me to form intimate platonic friendships with girls has closed, maybe forever. But my heart is the same.
The second part of this dream... now that's really weird. I'd like to think it's a reflection of how much I've grown. Maybe not that many years ago, I was awkward and alone, and really quite odd. But if I were to think of myself today, despite still working on my character and a laundry list of flaws, I would say that at the very least I've become someone who is capable of recognizing and reaching out to those who would benefit from it. In the end, that's the message of my life, right? I've received an abundance of grace when I needed it, and continue to receive such grace today because I'm in no less need of it, and therefore I extend grace out of the abundance that I've been shown.

The final dream is perhaps an extension of that growth. I can't say I'd voluntarily do improv stand up comedy, but I always admired those with the ability to do so and having that amount of confidence would be nice.

On Tuesday, David cut my hair. I haven't had it this short since I was in elementary school. Many people have asked me why I did such a drastic thing. I've given a variety of answers, but the true answer can be found in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part I.

Today I turned twenty-five. That's a quarter of a century. I don't feel any different, and I didn't do anything special today. If anything, it was yesterday that I got to celebrate my birthday.

I had planned on going to community group in the evening as usual, when I received a text from Andy. He wished me happy birthday and offered to take me out for dinner and drop me off at church afterwards. And so, later that evening I found myself with Andy and David at Wildfish, a dimly lit sushi restaurant with an especially romantic ambiance. As I glanced over the suggestively named maki rolls, I decided not to waste the opportunity.

"Hey Andy, would you like to share a 'Kiss of Fire'? Or would you prefer a 'Dirty Old Man'?"

Andy gave a short burst of laughter, his usual response to my wit. In the end I decided to go for the Kiss of Fire, which turned out to be a good choice.

The maki roll came out enveloped in flames. It was a pretty cool sight. It's a shame that I was so stunned with awe that by the time I had recovered enough to take a few hasty pictures, much of the flame had already died down.

Several weeks ago, I went to the Gorgeia Aquarium with David. During that trip I learned about the blue fin tuna fish, and how it was being relentless overfishing is causing a detrimental environmental affect. None the less, people still fish for the blue fin tuna because of the prized fatty meat, or "toro" sushi. The whole 5-foot fish is worth about $300,000, and by the time it reached sushi form at Wildfire, toro was being sold at $9 a piece. Since I really wanted to try it, I ernestly hoped that Mother Earth and Andy's wallet would forgive me as I ordered two pieces for each of us.

It's the pieces that my chopstick is pointing towards. It was amazing. The only sushi that I like better than salmon, it was melt in your mouth heaven. I felt like I was eating clouds of happiness.

All in all, it was a very fun time at the restaurant. We ordered a lot more sushi and I finally got to fulfill my long awaited wish of eating-sushi-at-a-non-sushi-buffet-restaurant-as-if-it-were-a-buffet. When the check arrived, Andy coolly picked it up and glanced at it... and instantly blew his poker face as soon as he saw the bill. Andy was thrown back and his eyes popped, and began to laugh incredulously like a top-of-the-class college applicant who was driven insane after reading a letter of rejection from his backup school. David looked at the check afterwards and managed to do a little better concealing his reaction.

When I finally won the fight to see how much our meal had cost, I immediately understood their reaction. At over $200 for 3 people (and David only eating a $15 meal since he doesn't eat raw fish) it had to be the most expensive meal I've ever been treated to. In the end they settled the bill without letting me pay. David chipped in $60, his max, and Andy picked up the rest, stating that he had no regrets about choosing that place and that it was a good experience. I agree. Needless to say, I have really good friends.

Anyways, afterwards we went straight to church. Due to leaving late and being lost, by the time I arrived, I only joined the prayer meeting for a few minutes before it ended. The members of my community group came out one by one. Olivia was wearing a cream colored shirt with a pink cardigan that perfectly matched her cheeks and nose. She wished me happy birthday with a smile that had the ability to transform snowy mountains into meadows of wild flowers. Monica also came out and greeted me with her usual 1000 watt smile. When the rest of our group had gathered, we decided to get crepes for dessert. But Lalu had not eaten dinner yet, so we stopped by burger king first.

The crepe place was great. I was glad to spend time with everyone. Although... it felt a little bit awkward. I felt out of sync. I've been feeling that a lot lately... Anyway, when the check came, I asked Peter to had me my wallet since my coat was behind is chair. He made half a movement to do so, and then insisted that I didn't have to pay. I don't think everyone was on board with that, so when everyone had to recalculate in the end and chip in more, I felt really awkward... like I was imposing. It would have been OK for me to pay...

Afterwards, Olivia offered me a ride to the train station. I remember clearly that on my birthday last year, she had offered me a ride that very night as well. I treasured every minute of it just as much as I did last time. Although... a lot had happened in a year. As I reflected on the things that changed and didn't change in my relationship with her and in life in general, I grew melancholic. I think that there are some things that once changed, it becomes established... and they can never change back to the way they were. Those possibilities and the ways that things could have been will be lost forever. *sigh*

Ever since my mom started working at the new restaurant, she's been experimenting sushi. As a result, I've been her guinea pig.

So, this is what I had for lunch at home today.

I guess moving back home for now isn't so bad.

I had a dream last night. Actually, I had several dreams, as we often do, but this one in particular was especially vivid. I was visiting a church with some friends. It was a church that I had not recognized, and my companions did not seem familiar with either. Someone came out to greet us. It was her. Grace came out to welcome us in her nonchalant attitude that I'm most familiar with. She looked especially cute wearing a dark shaded summer dress. I was completely awestruck as we followed her into the sanctuary. I no longer remember the names of my companions or what the sanctuary looked like, because as soon as I saw Grace, all these other details seemed to fade away in the distance, like painting a vividly colored flower onto a gray landscape. To be honest, Grace always had such a sublime effect on me, even in reality. But there was something different about my shock of seeing her; I knew that it wasn't possible, because she had passed away over a year ago. I knew that I was dreaming. Upon realizing that, my experience of the dream shifted from one where I was a character in the dream to one who was merely observing the events unfold, like Ebenezer Scrooge being shown scenes by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Unable to interact and never having been seen or acknowledged by Grace, I continued observing. I noticed that this Grace appeared a bit younger than the one I knew, maybe 15 or 16 years old. I later learned that it was in fact the past, before I had met her. I remember learning several other things too which felt like they were important. Unable to shake my logical mind in an alogical dream world, I remember thinking that since it was a dream I should try and remember everything so I could try to verify it after I woke up. Unfortunately, I don't remember anything.

..... ... ..  .   .

... .. .

...

What does this mean? I have no idea. I'm sure Freud would have a field day on this. Maybe my rational mind is struggling to let go while in conflict with my unconscious mind, which wants to see her and is fighting to keep her alive. Maybe I simply miss her from time to time. Or maybe it's nothing as complicated as any of these, as dreams usually don't have any meaning or reason behind them at all.

So far, I really like my new job as a waiter at Benihana. Everyone's very friendly, the managers are patient and nice, and the general manager who hired me is really pretty and fun. I must confess that I once loathed restaurant jobs, but I deliberately chose this job with the intention of doing my very best as an act of new confidence and to challenge myself to greater personal growth. I think that in order to be a good waiter, you have to be good at reading people, charming, witty, personable, socially savvy, patient, and able to deal with the most difficult people. I hope to develop all of these traits as I continue to work there. So far, it's been really fun. However, I would say the most unsettling part about my job would be getting hit on by a group of high school girls.   -_-'

So, after saving up for months, consulting with various bike shop owners, and doing some research online, I've finally bought a new bike. The only setback is that I am now flat broke, and owing money to three different people.  But I really like my new bike, and I expect to use it for years to come, and hopefully save a lot of money that I would have spent on the CTA by biking instead. It's so much more efficient this way; instead of spending money taking public transport commuting, I can burn calories and keep the Earth a cleaner place. If only I could apply the principle of saving the planet and expending calories instead of money in all areas of life... I could eat out endlessly and lose weight doing so. Every time I buy a new shirt, it'd be like planting a tree, so I don't have to feel guilty. ...Anyway, tangent. So here is my new bike. It's a Giant Seek 1, which was described as "...a road bike with a little bit of mountain bike ruggedness."

In keeping with my tradition for objects that I spent over $500 on and that are of great value to me, I decided to give my bike a feminine name. However, I've never had so much trouble naming something before. After all, Aladdin's magic carpet never had a name, and neither did Harry Potter's broomstick or Goku's nimbus. However, after careful consideration, I decided to name my bike Nyx.