I'm kind of bummed. And the reason why is so silly, it's almost embarrassing, so I guess it's ok for me to write about it here since no one really checks Xanga anymore. In the final weeks before my OAT, I started watching an anime series called Yu Yu Hakusho. It was a favorite from back when I was in high school, but I never got a chance to finish it and I missed a lot of episodes. Anyway, the plan was, I would study hard and limit myself to a few episodes a day before the exam, and then just indulge in a marathon of all the remaining seasons as soon as I was done with the exam. Unfortunately... I didn't pace myself very well, so that by the time I had finished studying for and taking the OAT, I only had the final two episodes left. I think I'm beginning to rant... but anyway, my point is, I really really liked that anime and now I'm kind of bummed that it's over. It's such a well written story with the perfect mix of plot, background, character development, humor, sappiness, and romance. It's not like the Dragon Ball series, where the characters spend 1/2 the season powering up and then 2 episodes in battle. It's not like Bleach, which throws out suggestive romantic hints between several characters but never follows through or expands on those relationships. When I first started watching Yu Yu Hakusho, I was too young to appreciate the complexity of the characters and the depth and meaning of their relationships. Being older and more insightful, I have a deeper appreciation for the story now that I'm watching it again. Not only that, but now that I have a better understanding of myself and am more set in my identity, I am beginning to see why stories like these appeal to me, and what that says about me. I think that anime like this captivate me because, even back before I knew it or understood it, a deep part of me was created in such a way that I long for adventure, people to share that adventure with, and a purpose for adventure. I think that whatever happens in life, I would like to live an exciting life. It's ok if there are trials and hardships, as long as there are times of fun as well. It's so sad, even when I'm learning about rainforests while studying biology for the OAT, I'll start daydreaming about exploring the jungle to discover new species or going on some grand adventure like that. But of course, even the best adventure would be pointless if there were no one to share it with. Another element of these stories that always draws me in are the bonds that are formed. Whether it's friendship or romance, there's always a deepening level of trust and intimacy. I think I long for that too, and that's why I resonate so strongly with these stories. Finally, there has to be a sense of purpose. In a fictitious world, it's easy to simply have purposes such as rescue the girl or save the world from bad guys and evil companies. In real life, things are rarely so black-and-white. There aren't any masterminds of evil, and the struggle between good and evil seems more political and opinionated. Still... I wouldn't mind being in a situation where I'd get to do something heroic.

*sigh*
Someday... I will fight for what I believe in, overcome numerous trials and deepen friendships in the process, rescue my princess, and change lives for the better.

....... .... .. .  .   ...Maybe I should prayerfully consider going on a missions trip. Maybe that's why I was created this way- to go on missions trips, where I will find adventure, form bonds, and do meaningful work. Maybe that's why I want to go into optometry; it will allow me to go on medical missions and yet provide a stable life back home, giving me the best of both worlds... Maybe I'm thinking too much.

This past weekend I went on a camping trip. I went with David and his cousins, but outside of them, everyone there was completely unconnected from anyone else I knew. It was like going on a new adventure, stepping into a completely new world that I was not familiar with. It was not an exploration of a tangible new world of places and things, but of relationships and connections. Everyone there seemed really close and I could just sense that there was so much depth and meaning to the love that they shared. Each person gave off a different feeling because of their unique personalities and hearts. From Christy I sensed an overwhelming aura of friendliness, acceptance, and cheerfulness. Her warm hospitality made me feel as if I was soaking in sunlight on a summer day. Other people, like Daniela, gave me the vibe that they merely tolerated my presence with cold indifference. Still, overall I felt very welcomed and had a lot of fun. Usually closer communities are cliques and it's harder for anyone on the outside to feel like part of the group, but for how close they were, I felt very accepted.
I had a lot of fun playing poker as well. Lisa was unexpectedly good... it was kind of humbling to be taken out by cute little girl in high school.     -_-'
On the last night, Daniela, Emma, Tabita, Adriane, Gina, and myself decided to stay up all night at the campfire. It was a wonderful time of sharing sappy stories, sharing our testimonies, discussing scripture and theology, and talking about school and life. It was one of the highlights of the camping trip for me because I felt like those were the times when we can share and become friends. Having fun is great, but ultimately I treasure forming friendships over simply having a good time. At the break of dawn, Adi, Gina, Emma, and I decided to go on a short hike in the woods while everyone else gave up and went to sleep. It was wonderful getting to know Adi more, who is so passionate for God and shows so much promise, and Gina, who is just such a sweet and innocent kid. It was also a good opportunity to practice loving people who may be a bit more fussy or difficult to love... like Emma.

Coming back from the camping trip has put me in more of a thoughtful, reflective mood. This wasn't the first time I've experienced going on a trip, meeting new people, and "stepping into a new world." In the past few years, I think I've become more friendly and sociable, and it's been easier and more enjoyable for me to meet new people, get along, and have fun. It's relatively easy for me to get to know people and have fun because I genuinely care about them and I am sincerely interested in who they are. However, I guess the drawback to that is that it also makes it easier for me to become too attached too soon. Going beyond shallow conversations and having fun, truly getting to know someone and care for one another, forming bonds and staying friends- that will always take much more effort and will depend on the willingness of both sides. Still, in all my thinking and reflecting, I've come to the conclusion that if I can be a blessing, then I would make every effort to be a good friend if they accept me.

Yesterday I had a chance to catch up with Andy. Even though we're roommates this year, it seems like we've had less and less time to talk and share compared to last year. But with finals and school out of the way, and graduation ceremony still a few days ahead of us, yesterday was a good in-between time to catch up. We started by bonding over a few games of Super Smash Bros. then drove out to the lake with a football and Mina (my guitar) in tow. We spent some time sharing, catching up, sitting in the shade and playing guitar, and throwing the football around. At one point, I tossed Andy the ball and jokingly said, "You know... this football is the only thing that's keeping this from being a date."   Andy holds on to the ball securely and says, "I knowww! Quick! Someone's looking! Go long!"

Tonight I went to Brazzaz with my closest guy friends, Jonny and Andy. Unlimited steak buffet is like... close to heaven for me.  Good food, good friends... good times.

After we had eatten enough meat to advance global warming fifty years, we went out for a walk to Millenium Park. There we sat in the empty Jay Pritzker Pavillion, enjoying each other's company in the cool of the night. We shared some meaningful conversation about life, purpose, and spiritual things.

Today I discovered Grace's wordpress. I hadn't even known about it. I guess we really had drifted apart near the end. A creative and entertaining expression of words narrated her story in the ADD-yet-still-logically-flowing style that was Grace's fingerprint. Her writing style was so special that it was almost as if she was alive again. Almost. As I read her words, I felt like someone rewatching his favorite tragic movie over and over again; in the moment, it is as if the heroine is alive again, yet the viewer knows that nothing will change her fate. For a brief moment I allowed myself to believe that if I were to be given a second chance with her, we could really become good friends. For a moment, I imagined myself playing and laughing with this whimsical girl. However that feeling passed like a cold breeze, and I was left with the empty realization that we couldn't be close friends, even if we were both more mature than when we met, even if I no longer had feelings for her. We were too different, and there just wasn't any chemistry. Each new line in her journal brought out her unique beauty and charm. The stories accentuated her quirkiness, which I had come to find so endearing. Finally, my heart could not bear it any longer. I don't want to so deeply care about someone whom I not only no longer have any possibility of being close with, but whom I never had any possibility of being friends with in the first place. I closed the internet browser window and opened up a new one to type my own journal entry.

I know I have a good number of flaws and weaknesses, but still, I believe that God can still work through me to allow me to be a blessing and encouragement to others. Actually, I know that for sure because I have experienced it. Many times I have said something profound or offered just the right words for comfort or encouragement; in all these times, no effort was made on my part other than just being true to myself. Because of that, I know full well that God is the one who works through me. Some of these people who God had used me to bless has also offered their care, support, and encouragement to me. Over time, I realized that they would be there not only when I am passionate, on fire for God, energetic, and at my best, but also when I'm lost, confused, hurt, and weak. I found out that they would patiently call me out when I'm being an impatient brat and when I sin, for my own good, even though I might not like it at the time. I learned that I am irreplaceably dear to them, just as they are to me. We had truly began to care for each other and love one another. I don't have many friends like that, but I am blessed with a good number of them. I know that with these friends, we'll always want to be a part of each other's lives.
Then there are those other times. I try so hard to be loving, to be an encouragement, to be a blessing to someone. But no matter what I do or say, nothing seems to come out right, and in the end I just make a big mess of things. These people, why am I drawn to them? Why was I allowed to see the beauty of their souls? I have no interest in superficial relationships. I have no interest in anyone who doesn't want to be close friends. It's a waste of my time. I'm learning to ignore that part of me that is drawn towards someone if it doesn't seem like it'll work out. I don't want my heart to get ahead of myself.

Within the past month, I've felt an exponentially increasing desire to go out there and meet a bunch of new and different people from everywhere. There are lots of cool and interesting people everywhere. Everyone is uniquely beautiful; it just takes the right person to see it. The ones that particularly capture my attention, I'll make a special effort to become friends with. Maybe they'll reciprocate and someday we'll become close friends. Maybe we won't. In that case, I'll shake the dust off my sandals and move on before I get too attached. I'm in no hurry. It's not like there's a quota I'm trying to meet. I've already been blessed with more love and good friends than many people experience in a lifetime. Still, I have a genuine interest in meeting new people, getting to know their stories, and forming meaningful relationships.

I'm so thankful for what I have. A God who loves me and died to save me. A God who has blessed me with true friends who will stay by my side, regardless of how pleasant or unpleasant I can be. I don't ever want to find myself pining over some unreciprocated affection again. It would be an absolute waste of the opportunity I have to offer myself to new people and make new friends and a disgrace to the friendships that I've been blessed with.

It seems like people are really curious about my first clubbing experience from this past Saturday. So, I guess I'll tell the story. But not right now. Since it was my birthday yesterday, I feel somewhat obligated to at least write about that first. Normally I feel kind of lonely and meloncholic this time of year, but yesterday was different. In the afternoon Tia and I went to Sweet Maple for lunch. I had a really good time just talking and listening to her. She's one of those rare dear friends with whom I can just chillax and still really enjoy her company and be encouraged by her all the time. After lunch we parted ways for class. In the evening, I was surprised to recieve a text message offer to give me a ride to community group. I can't deny that I haven't been thinking about this person. (Now how many negatives did I just string together?) During the car ride there, I was able to bring up something that had been concerning me. It was a nice feeling just to be able to talk to her. I had a really great time at community group, as usual. Afterwards Monica asked for my help to move her couch. I was delighted with the opportunity to help. It took a lot of effort, but me, Monica, Conway, and Mike eventually managed to move a full-sized couch several blocks and up and down several stories from Monica's old appartment to her new one. The happy look on her face after the couch was settled in her new home really filled me with joy. I went home after helping move the couch. I knew that both my roomates were super busy this whole week, so I wasn't really expecting anything. However, it turns out that Andy drew me a card from my favorite anime for my birthday and had all of my closest friends sign it. I was very happy to recieve it and really moved at all the effort he put into it, especially when I found out that he had stayed up until four in the morning to get it done. Doza came over and gave me Final Fantasy: Crisis Core for my birthday present. He definitely knows me well enough to know what I'd like! We hung out and watched a movie for a but. When he left, I started working on my laboratory paper methods section, around 3AM. It was another near-all-nighter.

I really don't know why I was in such a good mood by the end of the day. Maybe it was because of good company with a close friend, a car ride that felt more like a magic carpet ride, or being able to bring so much happiness to someone from offering them my help. Whatever the reason may be, I truly did have... a very happy birthday.

Yesterday, I had my first experience going to a club. However, that’s a story for another day. For now, I want to go back to two weeks ago, Monday, February 15, 2010.
From the start, that Monday was not the usual Monday. I took a shower and spent about half an hour fixing my hair, even though I was only going to my weight lifting and aerobics classes. While in class, I tried to work out as little as possible, being conscious not to sweat or mess up my hair. When the two hours were over, I walked up the stairs and headed across PEB. Anxiety and excitement built in my heart. I walked into the hallway near the entrance, half expecting not to see anyone there because of my horrible directions. And yet, there she was, this girl who had rode 14 hours on a bus to see me, serenely reading a book. We had waited six years to be reunited with each other, and the moment has finally come.
To say that Ada is my oldest and dearest friend would be perfectly true. And yet, we have agreed that what we share far transcends friendship. It would be just as accurate to say that she was my first love… and yet, that can be misleading as well. In the end, there are just no words to describe our relationship because it is truly so special. We met a long time ago, when we were both kids. Was fate being playful, or cruel? Born and raised in the Midwest, I met this half-Chinese half-Spanish girl who was born in Panama and raised in Canada, during a missions trip in Arizona. Did fate laugh teasingly as she watched us fall in love, before dashing us apart? Ada and I were only together in person for a week, but in all my life, I had never felt such a strong connection with someone. In one fleeting week, we shared enough excitement, sappiness, drama, laugher, tears, and love to inspire poetry. When I met her, I felt like peanut butter who had just met jelly for the first time. I was in love. I was young. Like falling off your bed after a sweet dream, we were thrown back into our respective worlds, apart from each other. The months that followed was a very dark time in my life. In the end, the heart of that little boy who had fallen in love was completely annihilated, along with his hopeless romantics, dreamy ideals, foolish innocence, and feelings for her. However, my love for Ada remained; though my heart was utterly broken, my love for her was something that could not be destroyed. I can only explain it by saying that, through lots of trials and prayer, when God finally restored my heart, I was given a new heart, one without the romantic desires for her. However, the essence of the love that I’ve always had for her remains, because nothing could have broken that or ended it in the first place: not outside pressures, conflict, drama, or time and distance. Throughout the years we continued to keep in touch with each other, share our lives with each other, and love each other.
And here, finally, we were reunited in person. I took a few steps towards her. “Ada?”
She turned around and at the sight of me, beamed a smile that transformed the dreary halls of the Physical Education Building into a meadow of wildflowers on a sunny summer day. We embraced; this was the moment of reunion that I had spend countless hours daydreaming about, imagining different scenarios and pondering all the different ways in which it would play out. I felt like a dried out and neglected house plant that had just received more water than it could soak up at one time. Since she hadn’t had anything to eat since she got on the Grayhound bus, I took her to lunch at Giordano’s right away. It turned out I had nothing to be anxious about. Although she was a completely different person than the girl I met, and I was a completely different person than the boy she knew, the connection, ease, and comfort we shared remained unfazed. We chatted, joked, and played as if no time at all had passed since we last saw each other. Throughout the whole meal, she kept looking at me with lively, wide, and beautiful eyes that shone like Vega and Altair on Tanabata. They were eyes filled with overflowing adoration, delight, love, and affection. No one had ever looked at me with eyes like that before, with the possible exception of the day I was born when my mother first saw me. But this would be the first time I was conscious enough to soak in such an affectionate look, and I will never forget it. When I pointed out the way she was looking at me to her, she cheerfully replied, “Well, of course! I haven’t seen you in seven years!” Indeed. And for the rest of the week we were together, I made the best of our time together.

Yesterday I met up with Tiffany for dinner. She waited until the end of the night before telling me. "Oh, by the way," she said in a perfectly natural voice that suggested she had gone over this in her head at least half a dozen times, "me and John are together now..."
My vision went blurry. The room started to spin. After only a moment's hesitation, I forced a smile as fake as a plastic sunflower and replied, "Well! Congratulations! Or perhaps I should be saying that to John? At any rate, I'm happy for you guys."
I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. I always knew he had feelings for her. What I didn't know was when she started feeling the same way. I decided to ask her.
It turns out that, as I had thought, he liked her from the beginning. What I didn't know was that he had been openly perusing her, but that she had turned him down repeatedly until recently. I asked her what changed her mind or why she waited so long, but she just dodged the question. Nevermind. I have a feeling I know why anyway. From the way Tiffany and I were hanging out, and the things she would do and say, I'm pretty sure she was more interested in me at first. But she's not a christian and so there's a good chance of us hurting each other if we were together, and so, like a moth dancing around a flame, I tried my best to be a good friend while not getting too attached. Judging from this pain, I didn't do a very good job. At any rate, perhaps she got tired of waiting or maybe she saw that there was no hope, but she eventually decided to go out with John.
After I dropped her off, I drove back to my appartment. As I moved to get out of the car, I noticed that the door was stuck. No... it wasn't stuck; it was just heavy. When did the door get so heavy? Then I realied that it wasn't the door that was heavy, but that I had been drained of my strength. I sat in the car and breathed deeply, trapped with my unformed thoughts and inexpressible feelings. The feelings surmounted to a climax, and as my heart tore in half, I emptied myself in a cry of anguish. Sitting there alone in the car with a cold and hurting feeling in my heart, I did the one thing that felt most natural to me at that point. I started to sing.

"gonna praise you in the morning light,
as I watch the sun rise
gonna praise you in the midday sun,
as it shines so bright
gonna priase you at the end of the day,
as I watch the sun set
gonna praise you all through the night"

On and on I went, singing fragments of songs and praying short prayers in between or reciting scripture. I knew that God is in control of everything that happens and that He does everything for my good. Knowing this didn't make the feelings any less painful, but it did make me realize that feelings arn't everything. God's love is. Reguardless of how I feel in the moment, I don't have to worry about the future. Having chosen to obey God and do what is right, I have no regrets. I know that I only have a better, shinning future to look forward to, filled with riches and blessings- not just for myself, but for the people I'll come across. And that gives me hope in the midst of pain.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm not making the best of every opportunity; I'm not living out my full potential, nor am I particularly faithful with everything that I've been given. I'm just an ordinary person, living an ordinary life. Such a life... is not even worth it.
She was such a hard worker. She was smart, talented, and faithful. I have a feeling that she would have gone on to do great things in the world, after having no trouble getting into pharmacy school or going through it.
If I could give up my nominal, lukewarm life to give her another opprtunity to live out her potential, I would...    *sigh*   

I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I didn't think something like that would bother me so much. It was such a short facebook message; not even two sentences. But upon reading the short message, I felt like I was hit by a bus. My heart stopped. There was this sour, sinking feeling in my stomach. Did my vision blur? Or maybe my mind just went dizzy. I feel like I just got hit in the head.
Feelings... why won't these feelings go away? Am I jealous? Head still swirling... heart still sinking... can't think.

I have to remind myself. I chose to step back first, because I thought that's what would be best for everyone in the end. I can't complain now that we're distant...

I hate how I'm torn. I want to do what is right, what is loving. Yet, I can't fully let go of my feelings and desires, no matter how hard I try to deny them. In the end, I am left feeling like Tantalus, trapped in eternal torment of temptation without satisfaction.