March 20, 2008

• *cross out*

  Wednesday, March 19, 2008

  I went to prayer meeting tonight. It was small, but as always, it was such a blessing. We went over Psalm 86. The Word really spoke to me… it was quite amazing.
  Lately, when I walk around I always feel like there’s something I want to write about on Xanga, but when I actually sit down to do it, I can’t get the words out. It’s like writer’s block. In a parallel but much more disturbing manner, I feel like lately I can’t pray when I set aside time to do so. Kind of like prayer-block. It’s very upsetting. The problem seems to occur when I am by myself, trying to just spend some quite time with God. I can’t seem to say anything. Usually, I get really hurt and frustrated that the harder I try to pray, the more disconnected I feel. Like even now. Frustration is boiling within me at how redundant and boring this Xanga entry is. I bet no one would care to read a piece of crap writing like this… I should just stop writing.
  Aiyah.
  Throughout the day, I still try to walk with God. I remind myself that everything I do is for Him. Yet, there are ups and downs. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think. Like now. I’m afraid of being judged because of this entries- by Christians and non-Christians. Other times, I could be in the middle of studying or walking to class, and I would just randomly start praying. Sometimes I feel good and very “Spirit filled”… other times… like now… I feel like crap. It’s cycling faster and faster. Is this a sign that I’m emotionally unstable and going bi-polar? Or is this a sign of a deeper struggle, a spiritual battle, a war over my soul?
  Why is it that I can pray and be so blessed and encouraged when I’m with others, but be so haunted when I’m alone? What is God trying to teach me? Is He saying that my faith is shallow, my spirituality is just a show, and that I am too reliant on people? Or is he trying to teach me the value of community?
  I’m scared of becoming emotionally dependent on a person. I’m scared of being inadequate at guarding my heart. I’m scared to realize how despicable I really am. I’m scared of getting my heart broken again. I’m scared of breaking another heart. I’m scared  to still be giving out love, because I’ve forgotten how much I am loved. I’m scared of losing favor, of what people would think of me if they read this. I’m just one big mess-up right now, aren’t I?
  So I feel like I’m pushing a lot of people away. Maybe because I want to prove that me and God is enough. Maybe because I don’t want to become reliant on others. Maybe because I don’t want to be seen the way I am. Maybe it’s because of the same old stupid reason- I want people to come after me.
  I have a feeling that Poofy’s been thinking of me occasionally, and maybe kept me in her prayers. I have no basis for that at all- maybe I’m wrong- but I kind of sense it. Maybe I’ll ask her. Maybe not, because that might put her on the spot…

  So much to think about. So confusing… I have a savage impulse to push everything and everyone away and just wait on God until he shows or I spiritually die starving.

  I’m sidetracking from what I originally wanted to write, and spiraling downward into a pit of despair instead. I wanted to mention that after the prayer meeting, I went to Greek town with Tobias and Doza. During our time together, I was reminded of something.

  I’m going to try doing three things consistently- setting aside time to pray, read the word, and fast. Not because I believe that by doing so, it is a magic formula that will summon God into my life- that’s the spirit of religion and it is FALSE. Instead, I do these things with the full realization that I am totally deprived and utterly helpless to bring about salvation (for myself or for Soph) so I will do those things to actively seek God in faith. Not faith in the actions themselves, but faith in God that though the actions in themselves are meaningless and arbitrary, he will answer those who seek him and keep the promises that he makes. (Matthew 7, Luke 18, Luke 11)
  I feel refreshed momentarily even when I just briefly glance over the words of Christ. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time in the New Testament. I really want to finish reading the whole Bible before I die. I finished the New Testament a while ago, then started from Genesis, and now I’m in Jeremiah. I think Jeremiah’s getting me depressed.
  I think I’m done with my pointless ranting. But not my complaining! Dang it. I’ve got a test tomorrow, and it’s 2AM. I wanted to sleep early and get lots of sleep, then wake up early and study like mad until my test. But now it looks like I’ll get neither sleep nor study. *sigh*

  • 2:38 am
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