August 13, 2008

• Accountability. I realized that accountability has been the one thing that's been too lacking lately. It's very sad, but without accountability I backslide in all areas of life. Things aren't too bad or different at first. I become more relaxed and carefree. But then I become more and more nonproductive, indulgent, and even negligent. In the end, I just look back and think, wow, I really let myself go. Without the constant pressure of class and grades, it's hard for me to study and stay focused. Even physically, I probably wouldn't be doing much if it weren't for Martin keeping me accountible. I hate to admit it, but his constant badgering me and kicking my butt into gear is probably one of the major things pushing me to stay on top of things physically. What scares me the most is that the effect of the lack of accountability affects my spiritual life as well. When summer started, I was pretty determined to go off on my own and find God while walking a lonely path. I was determined to let people stay distant so that I can force myself to establish a real relationship with God that does not waver even when everyone else is out of the picture. I wanted to be burning with passion not only when I'm fellowshiping with others or worshiping in a group but by myself too. But... I've only discovered that on my own, I am very very weak. And my resolve is very very weak as well. I was trying to think of someone whom I could ask to keep me accountible. I immediatly considered two people, but when I really thought about it, there wasn't anyone I feel like I could ask. And that is a terrible, lonely feeling.
  But I prayed... even if I am alone in the world, and even if I am so weak and faithless that I let go of God, I know that in Christ, his love and faithfulness endures forever. My ultimate hope then, rests in Christ, through whom God will never forsake me.

  • 5:27 pm
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