March 12, 2010

• Today I discovered Grace's wordpress. I hadn't even known about it. I guess we really had drifted apart near the end. A creative and entertaining expression of words narrated her story in the ADD-yet-still-logically-flowing style that was Grace's fingerprint. Her writing style was so special that it was almost as if she was alive again. Almost. As I read her words, I felt like someone rewatching his favorite tragic movie over and over again; in the moment, it is as if the heroine is alive again, yet the viewer knows that nothing will change her fate. For a brief moment I allowed myself to believe that if I were to be given a second chance with her, we could really become good friends. For a moment, I imagined myself playing and laughing with this whimsical girl. However that feeling passed like a cold breeze, and I was left with the empty realization that we couldn't be close friends, even if we were both more mature than when we met, even if I no longer had feelings for her. We were too different, and there just wasn't any chemistry. Each new line in her journal brought out her unique beauty and charm. The stories accentuated her quirkiness, which I had come to find so endearing. Finally, my heart could not bear it any longer. I don't want to so deeply care about someone whom I not only no longer have any possibility of being close with, but whom I never had any possibility of being friends with in the first place. I closed the internet browser window and opened up a new one to type my own journal entry.

  I know I have a good number of flaws and weaknesses, but still, I believe that God can still work through me to allow me to be a blessing and encouragement to others. Actually, I know that for sure because I have experienced it. Many times I have said something profound or offered just the right words for comfort or encouragement; in all these times, no effort was made on my part other than just being true to myself. Because of that, I know full well that God is the one who works through me. Some of these people who God had used me to bless has also offered their care, support, and encouragement to me. Over time, I realized that they would be there not only when I am passionate, on fire for God, energetic, and at my best, but also when I'm lost, confused, hurt, and weak. I found out that they would patiently call me out when I'm being an impatient brat and when I sin, for my own good, even though I might not like it at the time. I learned that I am irreplaceably dear to them, just as they are to me. We had truly began to care for each other and love one another. I don't have many friends like that, but I am blessed with a good number of them. I know that with these friends, we'll always want to be a part of each other's lives.
  Then there are those other times. I try so hard to be loving, to be an encouragement, to be a blessing to someone. But no matter what I do or say, nothing seems to come out right, and in the end I just make a big mess of things. These people, why am I drawn to them? Why was I allowed to see the beauty of their souls? I have no interest in superficial relationships. I have no interest in anyone who doesn't want to be close friends. It's a waste of my time. I'm learning to ignore that part of me that is drawn towards someone if it doesn't seem like it'll work out. I don't want my heart to get ahead of myself.

  Within the past month, I've felt an exponentially increasing desire to go out there and meet a bunch of new and different people from everywhere. There are lots of cool and interesting people everywhere. Everyone is uniquely beautiful; it just takes the right person to see it. The ones that particularly capture my attention, I'll make a special effort to become friends with. Maybe they'll reciprocate and someday we'll become close friends. Maybe we won't. In that case, I'll shake the dust off my sandals and move on before I get too attached. I'm in no hurry. It's not like there's a quota I'm trying to meet. I've already been blessed with more love and good friends than many people experience in a lifetime. Still, I have a genuine interest in meeting new people, getting to know their stories, and forming meaningful relationships.

  I'm so thankful for what I have. A God who loves me and died to save me. A God who has blessed me with true friends who will stay by my side, regardless of how pleasant or unpleasant I can be. I don't ever want to find myself pining over some unreciprocated affection again. It would be an absolute waste of the opportunity I have to offer myself to new people and make new friends and a disgrace to the friendships that I've been blessed with.

  • 12:59 am
  • 4 Comments