Kristyna and I are looking into ArcheAge and seeing if we want to give it a try. Her and I share the uncommon perspective where Guild Wars 2 is the first MMO we've really invested a lot in. Naturally, your first experience of something is one that is fundamental to shaping your understanding, expectations, and standards for everything of its kind. However when it comes to online gaming, GW2 isn't exactly a representation of your typical MMO. I originally wrote this for Kristyna, but hopefully it'll help others who are familiar with GW2 to gain a deeper understanding of ArcheAge.

The first thing you should know about ArcheAge is that it is fundamentally different than GW2, and most MMOs on the western market today. GW2 is classified as a "theme park" MMO. This means that, like an amusement park, it is the producer's responsibility to release new content or provide new "rides" for our amusement. I'm sure you've noticed, as far as what there is "to do" in the end game, it depends on the living story releases, filling out dailies, or doing dungeons. So in order for the game not to become stale, in order for us to keep having things to do, Anet has to keep coming up with new releases or new dungeons, or at least, revamping old ones (like FotM- it was introduced after the game was released, then was revamped, then new fractals added, etc.). In my opinion, Anet has been more than faithful in releasing new content (at least via living story). However, after a while, this structure kind of burns me out a little- always a cycle of chasing after the newest achievements and making sure I keep up with all the limited time dyes/skins before I lose the chance to attain them forever, or the cost in gold becomes a prohibitive factor. In comparison, ArcheAge is a "sand park" MMO; a unique term coined for its attempted fusion of "theme park" and "sandbox" elements. While AA will still have "theme park" elements such as dungeons and PvE quests, I'll focus on the "sandbox" elements since that's what's going to be new and different to us. In a sandbox MMO, the developers do not provide the content for players to enjoy; instead, they provide and refine tools for the players to create their own content. You can build a house, build a farm, build a castle, lead an army into war against other players' castles, become a pirate and wage naval battles, become a sky pirate and attack people in the air, be a jury in the justice system, be a mercenary... anything you want. Ok, let me slow down a bit and talk about one aspect at a time. First, exploration and transportation. GW2 is a huge world and doing map completion for the first time (or the first few zones) might be cute at first, but after a while, it can seem like just chasing after one point or the next on your map, making it a chore. Furthermore, after you complete the whole map you can instantly travel anywhere with waypoints for a negligible fee. While this is extremely convenient, it kind of demystifies the world and makes the world seem much smaller. You never really experience all the zones and areas and scenery in GW2 more than once; instead, you experience the Queensdale swamp, the Thermanova Reactor, the Frozen Maw, etc. 45,396,268 times because that's where all the world bosses are, and you just teleport to the exact spot you need to be. AA exchanges this convenience for the journey, you travel to where you need to go. Along the way, you experience the scenery, and the vastness of the world. There are no zones (unlike in GW2) which I think makes the world feel more natural and continuous. You can get attacked (by players or monsters) making the journey all the more perilous and exciting, and rewarding when you reach your destination. You can travel with other players (for protection or company), and the time you guys spend together becomes ground for unique memories and experiences. There is a vast variety of mounts and vessels, of all different looks and abilities that help you get to where you need to go faster. There are gliders that allow you to fly around, and naval ships of all different shapes and sizes with different offensive, defensive, and special abilities. And there's balance too; I'm not sure the full details on it, but I know that you can still teleport in AA (so it's not always going to be super tedious/redundant to travel). Speaking of dangers of the road, there's open world PvP with with special safe areas as well as areas that go through periods of war (open PvP) and peace (no PvP). In GW2 WvW, it's your server against a different server, in an isolated map. In AA there are four races and three factions. One faction consists of two races and is located primarily on one continent, the other faction comprised of the other two races and located on another continent, and a third pirate faction which can have any of the four races. You can PvP someone from a different faction any time you see them not in a safe area. You can PvP and steal crafting materials from people in your own faction; but if you get caught, you accumulate crime points and can be sentenced to prison (by other players). Do that enough, and you get kicked out of your home faction and you join the pirate faction, with their very own pirate island. Crafting and building is a major factor in this game. In GW2 you impact the game through dynamic events- the zerg completes the event, and now, yay, you get a safe area and some merchants or an entrance to a dungeon. In AA you literally shape the surface of the world. As I mentioned before, you can build anything you want, from houses to castles, all in the open world, seen by all, not instanced. (Your home is safe, you can set different privacy settings to choose who you allow inside.) You can craft/build the best armor and weapons in the game, ships, potions, gliders, etc. With all this crafting, you're going to need a lot of different crafting materials. Crafting materials are harvested or mined either from the open world or farms (you can raise plants or livestock). The materials are then condensed into a "bundle" which can be placed and picked up in the open world (like the boulders in GW2 or the Dwayna's Tears in the fractals with Old Tom). These bundles then need to be transported- to your house/storage from the mining site, or from your farm to the location where you want to build your house/castle, or just to be traded- either by foot or by various mounts/vessels. Along the way you can get attacked (or you can be a bandit and attack others) by players or world bosses, so it's safer to travel in groups. I feel like the risk/reward/punishment is very well balanced in the PvP in this game. It's not so extreme that if you die your character gets deleted (permadeath) or you leave your corpse behind and people can loot all your hard work and armor. (Imagine how much it'd suck if you got ganked in WvW and someone stole your Eternity.) But it's not so trivial that all that results is you waypoint and repair your armor (for free). Instead, if you get attacked in PvP then what you lose is not any of your hard earned weapons or armor, but the trade packages or bundles that you were transporting. So as you can see, the various systems in AA are all intricately tied together. Crafting, PvP, travel and transportation, exploration, housing and group housing (guild halls, castles), trade and the economy, and player freedom and choice are all synchronized and balanced. One thing to note though, is that for better or for worse, unlike GW2, you are strongly incentivized to collaborate with others. In fact, because of the open world PvP in a sense you're forced to interact with others to some degree. In GW2 you're rewarded to play with others (party up for easier tags and loot, zerg down the world boss for easy rewards, etc.) and are disincentivized from trolling others (individual mob loot/drop system, everyone can harvest from the same resource node, etc.) but are not specifically punished either way. You have to run dungeons with others or with pugs, but for most other things in the game, you can do on your own. In AA it's pretty much impossible to build a castle unless you have a huge group working together, and even if you could amass the funds to craft a super big boat, some of those ships require multiple people to man. And even if you don't work with other players, you can still get ambushed by other players if you try to carry trade packages all by your lonesome. While I'm sure that there are still goals you can pursue on your own and things you can do by yourself if you're feeling particularly anti-social, the core driving factor of the game is social interaction with others, whether positive or negative. I guess the only concern I have with that is if, for example, the best glider in the game drops from the Krakken (a world boss) and it takes an entire group of people to take that thing down, I might never get my hands on that thing unless I join a guild or establish myself in some entitled position in some community. I don't mind mega community stuff (castles, big ships, etc.) requiring a community to attain, but it bothers me that individual rewards can only be obtained by group effort. (Unlike in GW2 where you can get your legendary weapon or ascended gear from farming and saving up empyreal fragments, dragonite ore, dungeon tokens, etc. from dungeon runs, world bosses, and basically all stuff that you can do on your own.)

There was a time before Facebook existed, when MySpace dominated the internet as an outlet for teens and bands to express themselves. But for those of us who were weary of seeing pictures of scantily-clad 14 year olds, there was another option- Xanga. When I first started Xanga in high school, it was my first experience blogging. I wanted to start blogging because all of my friends were doing it, because I wanted to leave somewhat of a legacy behind, and because I liked the idea of traveling through time to fix your mistakes. Over the years, Xanga died down in popularity and many of my friends left (leading me to seriously question my decision to have paid $100 for lifetime Xanga premium). Not only that, but I never got to experience time travel either. None the less, I have to admit that Xanga has served as a great place throughout the years for me to record my memories and express my feelings. Even though looking at past entries usually causes me to shake my head and scoff at myself or feel embarrassed at the person I used to be, Xanga remains to be a collection of memories and emotions expressed from a unique first-person perspective. It allows me to see myself as I once was, and to see the world as I once did. I guess in a way, it kind of is like time travel.
It's been quite a journey- life, and the reflection of my life recorded on Xanga, and even how Xanga broke through the fourth wall and affected my life in return. Like all interesting journeys, its had its ups and downs; but in hindsight, even the downs become fond nostalgia. In my youth, I lacked insight into the deeper motivations and desires I had for blogging, and I also lacked discretion ...and maybe common sense as well. Back then, I didn't understand the difference between a journal and a blog. Since all teens assume they are the center of the universe, my friends blogged about themselves, and so did I. I remember many times when the things I wrote caused so much drama or got me into so much trouble. A lot of people got upset at me for sharing the things that I did because it involved them. I remember the pastor from my ultra-conservative, restrictive, controlling Baptist church would go through my entries and use the things that I wrote against me. I remember the frustration and anguish I felt and how I spending hours and hours going through and clicking every entry and changing it to private, before the days of more advanced privacy control were introduced. Xanga has taught me that putting yourself out there means running the risk of offending others or getting hurt, but it has also taught me that it can sometimes be worth it. Some people responded to my raw entries with compassion, appreciation, or being able to identify with me. I became closer friends with people who would have otherwise just passed me by, and I maintained and even strengthened friendships with friends who were far away.
For me, Xanga was a place for me to express myself, update my friends on my life, share amusing stories or my perspective and opinion on certain things, or talk about the things that are interesting to me. But when you start putting all of that together in a chronological order, something magical happens. It becomes more than just a collection of snapshots of my thoughts. Over time it evolves to show progression, and progression is a key element of any story. Xanga tells the story of my life- the things I used to be interested in and how some of those things have changed or new interests have arisen; how I used to view myself and the world and how my perspective has grown and changed as I grew up; and all the ways in which I'm totally different and yet in some core ways, remained essentially the same person. In particular, I've noticed how my writing style has developed and improved over the years. I wanted to bring special attention to this because I feel like I owe a lot of that to Xanga. While I'm sure the tens of thousands of dollars my parents poured into my undergrad education had something to do with it, there's something special about writing on Xanga. In the back of my mind, I know that I am writing for an audience, so, even though I've always strived to be completely genuine (out of my own desire for accurate historical documentation), there's a desire to put out the best work possible. Whether it's an amusing story I want to share, a personal experience I'm going through, or my thoughts on a particular topic, I want my posts to be as fun and easy to read as possible. Well, I guess I can't control whether the content of what I have to say would be found interesting to others or not, but at the very least, I didn't want sloppy presentation to be a hindrance to others being able to understand what I want to share. These desires were lying underneath the surface, unbeknownst to me, but it has propelled me to learn to organize my thoughts, prioritize certain ideas, and be succinct and focused. In essence, most of the Xanga posts were written with effort, and I believe over time that practice has done more for my writing skills then the 23958th psychology paper I half-assed the night before it was due. So thank you, Xanga, for making me a better writer, and helping me refine one of my most cherished skills.

In case you're wondering where all this feel-good sappy Xanga stuff came from, especially after disappearing for the past year and a half or so and not blogging, it's because a couple weeks ago I came across this article that said Xanga was shutting down. My first second thought was that I had to write a post to honor Xanga for all those years of sentimental value, and that I had better start doing some research on the next blog site that I would migrate to. (In case you're wondering, my first thought was, "OK, now I really feel foolish for buying Lifetime Xanga Premium".) As I did more research, I discovered that Xanga wasn't really shutting down after all, but that they had succeeded their fund-easing initiative to transfer Xanga over to WordPress and rename it as Xanga 2.0. Nonetheless, as this is a time of reevaluation and transition for Xanga, it will be so for my blog life as well. When I first started Xanga, I didn't have a concrete idea what purpose it would serve or what it would accomplish. (Just like how back then, I didn't have a clear idea of my place in this world or my purpose, but now I do- "dawww") I now know that I'd like to occasionally update a blog to share my interests, values, and opinions, as well as a place to update others on my life. I also have the discernment to separate that from a journal, which I will probably keep in good old fashioned pen-and-notebook form- a place where I will do all of my soul-searching and reflecting unhindered by the pressure of proper presentation, fear of being judged or offending someone, or the chance of being biased or swayed from knowing that my thoughts would be read. Lacking that distinction in the past has resulted in a very raw and unique Xanga, one which I will always treasure for all the memories associated with it. But perhaps that's the best place for it now, as a reservoir of memories and an opportunity to feel embarrassed by looking at old posts. Perhaps I will search out something more fitting for my next stage in life and my new purposes for a blog, something more professional and refined. Though I will miss my Xanga's overly dramatic customization with pictures of myself in the background, rain drops or snowflake gifs falling across the page, and emo music playing in the background.

Maybe I'll come crawling back to Xanga one day, but for now, you can find my new blog post at WordPress.com or Blogger. I haven't decided which one to commit to yet, but popularity amongst peers will probably huge sway in my decision.

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. In the past, I would often become very reflective on my birthday, or even emotional. I guess I always wanted to be remembered, or to feel special, or to know that I matter to others. This year, like every year, I didn't make any plans for myself. A few people asked me why I don't go out and make plans to have fun, and my response was that it always felt weird to do so, like I'm trying to make a big deal out of myself. This year was simple, but it was nice. Everyone closest to me remembered my birthday, and that's really all I could have hoped for. David even came over to drop off "birthday goodies", and we ended up going out to dinner together.

*sigh*
...has being away from Xanga for so long really dulled my senses and my ability to articulate anything meaningful? I hope not...

Today, I have finally accomplished my long-term goal of putting together Sunrise, my very first legendary. I have been playing since release, have over 3,500 hours played, gained over 13,700 achievement points, got to level 50 fractals (higher before the reset), and have seen hundreds of gold come and go. And I finally, only just now, finished my very first legendary.
When I began this quest a year ago, I made a vow: I would never buy any of the components of my legendary off of the trading post. Every single lodestone, every T6 crafting material, every last glob of ectoplasm, every bit of ore has to be farmed from drops or salvaged from rares that I got from drops or mined. The only other possibility to components that contributed to my legendary would be gifts that I would accept from friends. That way, when I finally hold Sunrise in my hands, it will always be a symbol of my accomplishment resulting from my hard work, dedication, perseverance, and the dear friends who supported me towards my goals and dreams. (That's also why I was also never the kind of guy who would shamelessly ask in map or guild for donations, but instead was very selective about who I was willing to accept gifts from. Sunrise is special to me, and so are the friends who were by my side.)

I knew the process would be long and hard, but I never anticipated how much. I got a lot of the components the hard way. I got the badges of honor when they were better known as badges of jumping, before they tossed them at you like candy at a parade for achievement poitns. I remember being 'time gated' by mystic coins because I couldn't buy them off the trading post. When the account wallet came live, I consecrated all of the gold for my icy runestones that I had farmed via CoF p1 (before the nerf) or other means by putting it into a personal guild bank.
In the beginning when I ran into the occasional person who actually had a legendary, I would sometimes stop them and chat with them, ask them about the process and ask them for advice. As more of my friends attained their legendaries, I cheered for them, as I had expected that I wouldn't get mine until way later. As more and more people got their legendaries, that initial excitement and joy for others became commonplace, and eventually that feeling became discouraging. Logging on felt like a chore, my legendary seemed so far away, and even if I did get it, what was the point? It seems like everybody has Sunrise nowadays. I can't really say I was tempted, but I was definitely frustrated- I felt like my hands were tied; I had the resources, but I couldn't compromise my vow. My more hardcore gamer buddies started to look at me like some odd bird, for not having a legendary. But I pressed forward. It wasn't about being first or being special or not following the crowd or purposely trying to be different. I set a goal, and I pressed for it. I owed it to myself, and to those who supported me, those friends who believe in me.
And now, at long last, I have my legendary. Maybe I will become busy with life, maybe I will get drawn into another game, and maybe I won't always play GW2 as avidly as I do now; but I really do love the game, and I believe in the developers' passion and vision to make GW2 the best mmo that endures through time. Perhaps there will come a day when I have not logged onto GW2 for months, and I'm feeling particularly low or discouraged, and I need a break- so I sign on (this wonderful, no-subscription fee MMO), and I run around and I wave my Sunrise around, and I will be reminded that I have the determination and ability to accomplish my goals, that I am not alone, and that there are people in my life who care about me and support me and want me to succeed.

So, for this new year, I hold my new legendary. A reminder of fond memories shared with cherished friends, those who stood by my side, and my own perseverance. Sunrise, the symbol of hope and optimism for whatever joy and challenges and surprises this new year, and all the years after, may bring:

I can already tell this post is going to be as ADD as my study habits.

It's too hot lately. The ventilation system in the RC is in the process of switching over from heating to AC, so in the mean time, I just have to sit here and take it. I weant over to UIC to study yesterday. To get away from the heat. To get away from my feelings of being left out... Anyway. I think I'm a very sentimental and nostelgic person. UIC brings back a lot of memories. Walking around campus, people still call out my name and recognize me. In a school of 30,000 students, I still have presence here... It's comforting, like home in a sense. Anyway, UIC was on break, so the campus was nearly deserted. I snuck into one of the newly renovated buildings and made myself at home. It was disappointing though; even though there was AC, it was not on high enough and it was still kind of warm.

I had this entire room to myself!

I first started studying at UIC again last weekend, with Sophia. She showed me some of the new renovations UIC has made

UIC renovated a dingy old part of the library that I was used to into this area they call the Idea Room

It's pretty much a pimped out study pad

Unfortunatly the library was closing just as we got there, so we had to relocate. That's when I discovered one of the newly renovated lecture halls. Sophia and I took over the classroom. It was pretty sweet... as you can see, I hooked up my laptop to their projector and was flying through Physio lectures

On a completely random note, I've also discovered an Oberweis near the library in Schaumburg. It's actually a really awesome studying environment. I love the atmosphere- it's brightly lit, they have WiFi, outlets, and they play pop/rock music reminescent of my high school days. They also have delicious treats like this....

Unfortunately, they do not seem to have any Oberwies in the city. Ah... maybe that's a good thing; I don't want to go too crazy on their deserts

I suppose it’s time to write my annual obligatory birthday blog. This year’s birthday gave me a very realistic snapshot of my life. What I mean is, lately I’ve been so down and discouraged that I’ve had a very negative view on life and the people in my life. But I realize that’s because I’ve made such a big deal focusing on a couple of people that I’ve missed all the good that’s around.

My family celebrated my birthday with me a week in advance, during my quarter break. My sister and her boyfriend flew in fromCaliso that we could all eat lunch together. That same day, Caitlin took a two hour train ride to hang out with me and give me my birthday present. Friday morning Andy rushed over between classes to give me my present and to catch up a bit. Friday night, Sophia and Loren called to wish me happy birthday, and between the two of them, I spent a good three hours talking on the phone. Saturday morning Jon wished me happy birthday (he didn’t forget after all) and rushed over via train and taxi to spend a little bit of time together. I went ice skating hoping to see Jessica there but I guess she decided not to go. I probably wouldn’t have been as relaxed or enjoyed myself as much if she did anyway. David came up from the suburbs to join me in ice skating. Afterwards, he took me to The Original Pancake House near ICO to make good on his promise from my birthday last year: after him and Andy took me out to a ridiculously expensive sushi dinner last year, David jokingly said all I would get for my birthday this year was one pancake. He generously decided to expand his offer to as many pancakes as I want, and then to whatever I wanted. So… I went crazy in the pancake house, which turned out to be a pretty decent diner, not some shotty IHOP like I expected, and ate about $50 worth of breakfast food.  For the rest of the evening, I just waited to hear back from Jessica and Aundrea, who went out to dinner with their group of friends, but invited me to join everyone at the bars later. While waiting, I finally got to Skype withAda, who had wished me happy birthday earlier. Jin offered to hang out too, but I declined, since I didn’t know when I’d be meeting up with Aundrea and Jessica. Instead, I invited him and David to come out with me. David waited around with me for the rest of the night, but when I finally heard back, it was too late for him to go out and still be able to make the last train back home, so he headed out. Even the commute to the bar was enjoyable because it gave Jin and I a chance just to talk and catch up in the taxi. When we finally got there, Jin met some of the people from ICO, and got birthday shots for me, Aundrea, and himself. He stayed for a bit then headed out because he had an exam. The next morning, that is, today, I somehow managed to wake up and get ready on time to have breakfast with Tia at Hashbrowns by UIC. After she took me out for my birthday breakfast, we went back to her place and just talked and relaxed for a few hours.

Each of the closest friends whom I’ve known for years individually made an effort to pursue me and spend time with me for my birthday. They all made sacrifices of time and/or money for my sake, they all listened to me share and cared about how I’ve been, and they all spoke to me honestly and with love and sincerity. Yet, lately, I’ve been feeling miserable and rejected. I’ve felt that way for way too long now, months on end, and as time goes on, it chips away at my strength, hope, and positivity. The juxtaposition of events around my birthday has made it clear to me that I’m putting too much of an emphasis on a couple of people who can’t see past my awkwardness, mistakes, and quirks. I know that instead, I should be showing more appreciation for the friends who have always been there for me.

You see my heart torn with anguish, broken with disappointment, enslaved by idolatry, and giving in to hatred. You know I know the truth that I am helpless to do anything- so I turn to you in desperation, in prayer; and yet you do nothing. And you call yourself a good God? Where is this love that you boast of? Because right now, I don't see it. And all I've been praying for lately is just to know it. But all I've known lately is disappointment. Disappointment in the people who I thought were my friends, when it turns out they don't care about me at all. Disappointment in myself, in the person I've become. Disappointment in you... for not answering my prayers, for not catchign me when I fall, for not giving me the faith I need to know and be moved by your love. Is my heart too hard, too hurt, too broken, to be moved by you? Or do you just not care about me enough to reach out to me? So which is it? Are you a lier or is my sin just beyond the power of your love? I've had it with you. I'm going to run as hard and fast as I can in the other direction. Catch me if you can.

In the TV series Smallville, whenever Clark Kent puts on a ring made of red kryptonite he loses all inhibitions and becomes a wild, uncontrolled version of himself. Tonight I couldn't help but daydream about having a ring that would completely transform my heart and personality. For so long I tried so hard to do what was right, what was loving, and to absorb all of the pain, hurt, and disappointment upon myself instead of reflecting it back. It's wearing me down to the breaking point. The way I was created, I believe I am able to understand people deeply and show genuine empathy to others. My heart and my personality, my experiences and my intellect, everything I am, points to the purpose I was designed for: to express warm affection, encouragement, friendship, love, and support to others, through understanding and connecting and through words and actions. But just because that's what I'm meant to do, doesn't mean I'll always follow what I'm designed to do. Things can be broken, even hearts and people. It is so hard to carry the burden of constant pain, and so tempting to choose hatred and pleasure in hurting someone who hurt you, and to use my understanding of someone's strengths and weaknesses to rip into them. I expended myself for the sake of Jessica and Aundrea, only to find that my friendship, affection, and caring never reached their hardened hearts. I never stop believing in them, in their unique beauty and goodness... and so I never stop getting disappointed. It's almost enough to break me. And once broken, things do not function as they are meant to. I sat there and daydreamed about the allure of just completely giving up. Instead of caring so much, I would care about no one and let nothing move me. Instead of expending myself for the sake of others, I would use people to satisfy myself or to get ahead. I would just use my understanding of others and intuition to manipulate others for my own desires. If I mess up, I could just move on to new groups or new peoples. Nothing would hurt me, nothing would bother me. Love is so difficult, so vulnerable, so painful. Hatred seems so natural, so clean, so strong.

*sigh*
...Not today. I will continue to choose to do what is right over what is easy. 

I know exactly what's going on with me. It's actually astoundingly simple. You see, at the very core of my heart, I have always longed for intimacy. It has always been an idol of mine. I know that God designed my heart with the longing to connect and for intimacy and meant it as my greatest strength; but it has been warped by sin into my greatest weakness. Over the years, it has manifested itself in a variety of broken relationships, with both men and women, platonic and romantic. I know that I was emotionally dependent on my friends and former discipler, and it strained many of these relationships to the point where the friendship did not last. Over the years, God has been faithful and redeemed this desire for intimacy such that I am able to be a blessing to others, as well as enjoy deep, rich, meaningful, God-glorifying friendships.
However, the work of redemption is not yet complete, and there is a form of this desire that remains unaddressed: specifically, the longing for deep, exclusive, romantic intimacy. I hold adamantly to not entering into relationships with girls that I know aren't right for me because I don't want to knowingly selfishly use a person and a relationship to satisfy my idolatry. However, unbeknownst to me, my sneaky, sinister, sinful heart has always tried to satisfy that idolatry for deep, exclusive, romantic intimacy through the context of friendships. I know that I tried to do so in the past through Sis, and more recently, through Jessica and Aundrea here at ICO. Needless to say, it's lead to a lot of messed up issues and unnecessary drama in all of those friendships. Recently, I have been living completely enslaved to this desire. In the beginning, I felt all of my strength and joy evaporate. Then this sinful, idolatrous desire started to erode at the vision of the purpose that God has for me, and I lost passion for the mission God has given me. Eventually, I started to lose Hope, and without Hope, there is no life. I know that was the natural consequence of putting my Hope in the wrong thing, and that idol had disappointed me, leaving me with thoughts of wanting to throw myself off a roof. I believe the only reason I didn't was because I was holding on to a small thread of Hope in Christ. But that faith is so small, so pathetic, that it made me questions as to whether I can really say I'm looking to Christ for salvation, whether I've really drank from the living water. I've been given the insight to understand exactly what's going on. I see clearly how putting my Hope in this idol has robbed me of all the love, treasures, and spiritual blessings God has intended for me, such as being a man of strength and character, being passionately on fire for a purpose and a cause that's greater than myself, making powerful impact on the lives and hearts of those around me, and experiencing a deep, unshakable sense of security, love, and peace. Knowing that, I've been praying that God would help me to surrender my idol, that I may be able to let go of my desire for deep, romantic intimacy and trust him with my heart. But it's more than that. I don't want to want this just because I know God is what's best for me, that trusting in him is what will make me the most functional, and that it is the way in which I would be the most blessed. I want, more than anything, that my heart could be moved by the love of a God who would desire such goodness upon me, even though I'm so unworthy and unfaithful. I want to know God's love more deeply and personally, so that I can not help but be captivated and fall in love with him. But I rarely feel anything, and it scares me that I can know so much and believe so little. When all is said and done, when I'm living in the moment and when I'm too mentally exhausted to mull over the truth that I just shared, my feelings and actions reflect a heart that is still enslaved to a desire that leads to death (almost literally).
Today, as I have been doing so recently, I prayed that God would convict my heart that it is wrong and sinful to hide under the guise of friendship and use these friendships to satisfy my desire for exclusive, romantic intimacy. I prayed that I would be so moved with conviction of my sinfulness that I would break down in remorse and let go of my pride and idolatry. I believe that state is known as "humility," and I believe this is the only condition my heart can be in, in order for me to be able to receive the Gospel as good news that saves.
Aundrea came over today, and by the grace and mercy of God, I was able to receive some closure and reconciliation with her. We might not be close friends, but I'm glad that we are no longer in a state of relational brokenness. I think I've let go of trying to satisfy my idolatrous desires through my friendship with Jess or Aundrea. However, I'm not so sure that I've let go of the root of the issue, my idolatry. I finished these prayers, and I don't feel any different. I don't feel broken down with conviction and remorse over the sinfulness of my actions, and I don't feel overwhelmed with God's love and grace for me. I want my heart to be transformed... but I don't know how.

A huge box came for me in the mail today

New year, new year's resolutions

New year's resolution arsenal- bring it on!   >: D