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LuvKevi4EvEr
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Name: Kevin, Kevi, Kevon
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Birthday: 3/3/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: basketball, praising God, playing guitar, singing, journaling, weight lifting, writing poetry, meaningful conversations, you... = )
Expertise: awkward moments
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
AIM:  RanCor161314
Jabber: KKuo3@uic.edu
Member Since:
9/6/2003
 Lifetime
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| Lately I have been absolutely miserable. I've been drugging myself with episode after episode of Smallville. I feel mentally and emotionally drained, even though I haven't been exerting myself. I sleep more often then I should, even though I'm not physically tired. When I'm studying, I'm not doing everything I need to. I have lost all desire and motivation to study. No longer is there any drive to do my best; I have lost all passion to shine in all areas of my life, such as academics. I think about the homework and studying I have to do and, instead of being invigorated by the challenge, I am overwhelmed by a strong, adverse feeling. When I think about all the things I should be doing for optometry but am not, I feel anxiety welling up inside of me like clausterphobia. I am crushed in by a negative feeling of hopelessness and failure. Perhaps unconsciously, that is the reason why I have been sleeping and watching Smallville so much; to escape reality, escape my life. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what's wrong. I couldn't even put into words what was going on until I forced myself to journal just now. Because of this, I haven't been able to answer anyone honestly when they ask, "How are you? How have you been?" This inability to be sincere has eliminated possibility for any deep, meaningful conversations with my firends. I had always thrived on such conversations... Lately, even the conversations with my dearest friends have been nominal and lukewarm. Part of it is because no one is really reaching out to me and digging deep to draw me out. Part of it is because I don't want to want that anymore- I can't. I guess I feel like I have to find my own strength and not rely on others to save me. Maybe I feel like it's more noble that way: to devote my life to saving souls, healing hearts, and restoring brokeness, and expect nothing in return when I need the saving. Reguardless of what the reason may be, I find myself trapped in a cycle of darkness. I've lost my vision, my passion. My soul is dying and my spirit is withering away. The essence of everything that makes me who I am is draining away. I'm deteriorating from spiritual Alzheimer's. Life, without a cause, is empty and meaningless. And it is up to me to remember the reason for my existance.
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| Man, why is Xanga so dead? ...Why did I pay for lifetime Xanga premium back then?  Anyway things have been pretty good lately. I started watching Smallville again. I think I wrote a brief entry about it a little bit earlier, about why that show is so significant to me. I started watching Smallville when it first came out when I was a sophmore in high school. Season 1 of Smallville begins with Clark Kent as a freshman in high school, so watching the characters grow and develop over the years as I also transitioned from high school to college was kind of like "growing up" with the characters. The irony and relationship parallels and analogies made the show interesting to watch. The excellent quotes and one-liners make the show memorable.
Anyway, it was probably a bad idea to download all 8 seasons of Smallville. Probably a worse idea to bring seasons 1-3 with me to my appartment in Chicago, especially after a weekend of endless Smallville exposure. It's made me all emotionally haywire. Oh well, I guess this will be a chance to truly learn self-control, by limiting myself to 1 episode a day. On a completely random note, I have decided once and for all that Wendy's IS superior to McDonald's. I taste the "fresh, never frozen," "hot juicy burger" difference. 
I think I was reluctant to even consider that possibility all my life, because McDonald's is so much more famous and popular. In social psychology, familiarity breeds liking. But I guess once I realized that and am completely honest with myself, I must say that Wendy's is better. Now I know why I haven't updated in a while... I've nothing interesting to say. blah. | | |
| Andrew and I started studying together to keep each other focused. Me: "If you finish the chapter in the next hour, I'll buy you a McFlurry"
Andrew: "Aww, really?! Wow, that's incentive! Thanks! Hey, if you finish your flash cards in an hour, I'll buy you a McFlurry" 10 minutes later... Andrew: "Hey... so what if we both reach our goals?"
Me: "Then I'll buy you a McFlurry and you can buy me a McFlurry"
Andrew: "Hmm... well, what if you want a small and I want a large? Just to let you know, I think I'm craving a large."
Me: "Keep distracting yourself and it won't matter what you want  " | | |
| Imagine if you had amnesia for a few months. There are enough clues left over from your life to help you living life the way you used to, at least on the outside. But really, on the inside, you've forgotten who you are. You know you're lost; you know you were a much greater person. You try hard to keep up with living the life that you used to live, but it's draining you because you're not that person anymore. Then, one day, you wake up from the amnesia.
I just remembered who I am.
Identity. No matter where I go in life, what I do, or who I meet, I must never forget the foundation of all that I am. If I do, if I misplace my identity, then my life will be an empty shadow.
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| I miss you so much Grace, and it hurts that you're gone. I don't even know why I'm writing this note in second person, almost as if I'm hoping that you could read this, even though I know you never will.... (more sadness). I went home-home home this weekend, so I had the opportunity to dig through my box-of-lucky-special-things for the card you gave me last Christmas. The sadness and irony of your first words tore my heart:
"Well- another year has passed in our relationship (or lack there of) and we're still alive... by the grace of God."
It's almost prophetic, the words we spoke to each other before you left. It was almost as if, like your father said, you knew that time on Earth was short. You were trying to teach me that life is precious, and that we have so much to thank God for (life) even when we feel like complaining. I always took life for granted; mine, yours... If I had listened to you then, maybe I wouldn't be struggling so hard to learn this now that you're gone. But I thank you for the words that you left me, and I thank you so so much for giving me closure before you left. It was one heck of a ride, but I'm glad I got to know you. You have truly touched my life, and even now, you continue to challenge (and rebuke) me.  | | |
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