You see my heart torn with anguish, broken with disappointment, enslaved by idolatry, and giving in to hatred. You know I know the truth that I am helpless to do anything- so I turn to you in desperation, in prayer; and yet you do nothing. And you call yourself a good God? Where is this love that you boast of? Because right now, I don't see it. And all I've been praying for lately is just to know it. But all I've known lately is disappointment. Disappointment in the people who I thought were my friends, when it turns out they don't care about me at all. Disappointment in myself, in the person I've become. Disappointment in you... for not answering my prayers, for not catchign me when I fall, for not giving me the faith I need to know and be moved by your love. Is my heart too hard, too hurt, too broken, to be moved by you? Or do you just not care about me enough to reach out to me? So which is it? Are you a lier or is my sin just beyond the power of your love? I've had it with you. I'm going to run as hard and fast as I can in the other direction. Catch me if you can.

In the TV series Smallville, whenever Clark Kent puts on a ring made of red kryptonite he loses all inhibitions and becomes a wild, uncontrolled version of himself. Tonight I couldn't help but daydream about having a ring that would completely transform my heart and personality. For so long I tried so hard to do what was right, what was loving, and to absorb all of the pain, hurt, and disappointment upon myself instead of reflecting it back. It's wearing me down to the breaking point. The way I was created, I believe I am able to understand people deeply and show genuine empathy to others. My heart and my personality, my experiences and my intellect, everything I am, points to the purpose I was designed for: to express warm affection, encouragement, friendship, love, and support to others, through understanding and connecting and through words and actions. But just because that's what I'm meant to do, doesn't mean I'll always follow what I'm designed to do. Things can be broken, even hearts and people. It is so hard to carry the burden of constant pain, and so tempting to choose hatred and pleasure in hurting someone who hurt you, and to use my understanding of someone's strengths and weaknesses to rip into them. I expended myself for the sake of Jessica and Aundrea, only to find that my friendship, affection, and caring never reached their hardened hearts. I never stop believing in them, in their unique beauty and goodness... and so I never stop getting disappointed. It's almost enough to break me. And once broken, things do not function as they are meant to. I sat there and daydreamed about the allure of just completely giving up. Instead of caring so much, I would care about no one and let nothing move me. Instead of expending myself for the sake of others, I would use people to satisfy myself or to get ahead. I would just use my understanding of others and intuition to manipulate others for my own desires. If I mess up, I could just move on to new groups or new peoples. Nothing would hurt me, nothing would bother me. Love is so difficult, so vulnerable, so painful. Hatred seems so natural, so clean, so strong.

*sigh*
...Not today. I will continue to choose to do what is right over what is easy.