February 2, 2012

  • Red Kryptonite

    In the TV series Smallville, whenever Clark Kent puts on a ring made of red kryptonite he loses all inhibitions and becomes a wild, uncontrolled version of himself. Tonight I couldn't help but daydream about having a ring that would completely transform my heart and personality. For so long I tried so hard to do what was right, what was loving, and to absorb all of the pain, hurt, and disappointment upon myself instead of reflecting it back. It's wearing me down to the breaking point. The way I was created, I believe I am able to understand people deeply and show genuine empathy to others. My heart and my personality, my experiences and my intellect, everything I am, points to the purpose I was designed for: to express warm affection, encouragement, friendship, love, and support to others, through understanding and connecting and through words and actions. But just because that's what I'm meant to do, doesn't mean I'll always follow what I'm designed to do. Things can be broken, even hearts and people. It is so hard to carry the burden of constant pain, and so tempting to choose hatred and pleasure in hurting someone who hurt you, and to use my understanding of someone's strengths and weaknesses to rip into them. I expended myself for the sake of Jessica and Aundrea, only to find that my friendship, affection, and caring never reached their hardened hearts. I never stop believing in them, in their unique beauty and goodness... and so I never stop getting disappointed. It's almost enough to break me. And once broken, things do not function as they are meant to. I sat there and daydreamed about the allure of just completely giving up. Instead of caring so much, I would care about no one and let nothing move me. Instead of expending myself for the sake of others, I would use people to satisfy myself or to get ahead. I would just use my understanding of others and intuition to manipulate others for my own desires. If I mess up, I could just move on to new groups or new peoples. Nothing would hurt me, nothing would bother me. Love is so difficult, so vulnerable, so painful. Hatred seems so natural, so clean, so strong.

    *sigh*
    ...Not today. I will continue to choose to do what is right over what is easy.