November 22, 2009

• Melancholy rant

  Lately I have been absolutely miserable. I've been drugging myself with episode after episode of Smallville. I feel mentally and emotionally drained, even though I haven't been exerting myself. I sleep more often then I should, even though I'm not physically tired. When I'm studying, I'm not doing everything I need to. I have lost all desire and motivation to study. No longer is there any drive to do my best; I have lost all passion to shine in all areas of my life, such as academics. I think about the homework and studying I have to do and, instead of being invigorated by the challenge, I am overwhelmed by a strong, adverse feeling. When I think about all the things I should be doing for optometry but am not, I feel anxiety welling up inside of me like clausterphobia. I am crushed in by a negative feeling of hopelessness and failure. Perhaps unconsciously, that is the reason why I have been sleeping and watching Smallville so much; to escape reality, escape my life. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what's wrong. I couldn't even put into words what was going on until I forced myself to journal just now. Because of this, I haven't been able to answer anyone honestly when they ask, "How are you? How have you been?" This inability to be sincere has eliminated possibility for any deep, meaningful conversations with my firends. I had always thrived on such conversations... Lately, even the conversations with my dearest friends have been nominal and lukewarm. Part of it is because no one is really reaching out to me and digging deep to draw me out. Part of it is because I don't want to want that anymore- I can't. I guess I feel like I have to find my own strength and not rely on others to save me. Maybe I feel like it's more noble that way: to devote my life to saving souls, healing hearts, and restoring brokeness, and expect nothing in return when I need the saving. Reguardless of what the reason may be, I find myself trapped in a cycle of darkness. I've lost my vision, my passion. My soul is dying and my spirit is withering away. The essence of everything that makes me who I am is draining away. I'm deteriorating from spiritual Alzheimer's. Life, without a cause, is empty and meaningless. And it is up to me to remember the reason for my existance.

  • 12:59 am
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