Break. (Short one).

While talking with Poofy last night, we discussed that there generally people either are too busy studying to worry about drama, or too consumed by drama to be able to focus on studying. Thinking back to freshman year when I was going through so much drama with Ada, I know I was definitely the second type of person. I've always been unable to focus on anything else if there's a burdan on my heart, because it would just seem to outweigh everything else. In the end, it's pretty ridiculous to worry, because there's so much that I'm not in control of anyways.

"Do not worry about tomorow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."   -Matthew 6:34

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."    -1 Peter 5:7

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."    -Ephesians 6:18

Six hours of studying. Six hours of being unable to stop thinking of Soph. Six hours of ceaseless prayer....
Simutaneous study-pray-study-pray. I guess it doesn't have to be one or the other... (even though, granted, I'm using a bit of a hyperbole here).

First day of spring break.

I'm at the library, studying.

I suppose it's true... directly or indirectly, a Love-Me is forever changed by all the people he has ever loved.

*cross out*

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I went to prayer meeting tonight. It was small, but as always, it was such a blessing. We went over Psalm 86. The Word really spoke to me… it was quite amazing.
Lately, when I walk around I always feel like there’s something I want to write about on Xanga, but when I actually sit down to do it, I can’t get the words out. It’s like writer’s block. In a parallel but much more disturbing manner, I feel like lately I can’t pray when I set aside time to do so. Kind of like prayer-block. It’s very upsetting. The problem seems to occur when I am by myself, trying to just spend some quite time with God. I can’t seem to say anything. Usually, I get really hurt and frustrated that the harder I try to pray, the more disconnected I feel. Like even now. Frustration is boiling within me at how redundant and boring this Xanga entry is. I bet no one would care to read a piece of crap writing like this… I should just stop writing.
Aiyah.
Throughout the day, I still try to walk with God. I remind myself that everything I do is for Him. Yet, there are ups and downs. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think. Like now. I’m afraid of being judged because of this entries- by Christians and non-Christians. Other times, I could be in the middle of studying or walking to class, and I would just randomly start praying. Sometimes I feel good and very “Spirit filled”… other times… like now… I feel like crap. It’s cycling faster and faster. Is this a sign that I’m emotionally unstable and going bi-polar? Or is this a sign of a deeper struggle, a spiritual battle, a war over my soul?
Why is it that I can pray and be so blessed and encouraged when I’m with others, but be so haunted when I’m alone? What is God trying to teach me? Is He saying that my faith is shallow, my spirituality is just a show, and that I am too reliant on people? Or is he trying to teach me the value of community?
I’m scared of becoming emotionally dependent on a person. I’m scared of being inadequate at guarding my heart. I’m scared to realize how despicable I really am. I’m scared of getting my heart broken again. I’m scared of breaking another heart. I’m scared  to still be giving out love, because I’ve forgotten how much I am loved. I’m scared of losing favor, of what people would think of me if they read this. I’m just one big mess-up right now, aren’t I?
So I feel like I’m pushing a lot of people away. Maybe because I want to prove that me and God is enough. Maybe because I don’t want to become reliant on others. Maybe because I don’t want to be seen the way I am. Maybe it’s because of the same old stupid reason- I want people to come after me.
I have a feeling that Poofy’s been thinking of me occasionally, and maybe kept me in her prayers. I have no basis for that at all- maybe I’m wrong- but I kind of sense it. Maybe I’ll ask her. Maybe not, because that might put her on the spot…

So much to think about. So confusing… I have a savage impulse to push everything and everyone away and just wait on God until he shows or I spiritually die starving.

I’m sidetracking from what I originally wanted to write, and spiraling downward into a pit of despair instead. I wanted to mention that after the prayer meeting, I went to Greek town with Tobias and Doza. During our time together, I was reminded of something.

I’m going to try doing three things consistently- setting aside time to pray, read the word, and fast. Not because I believe that by doing so, it is a magic formula that will summon God into my life- that’s the spirit of religion and it is FALSE. Instead, I do these things with the full realization that I am totally deprived and utterly helpless to bring about salvation (for myself or for Soph) so I will do those things to actively seek God in faith. Not faith in the actions themselves, but faith in God that though the actions in themselves are meaningless and arbitrary, he will answer those who seek him and keep the promises that he makes. (Matthew 7, Luke 18, Luke 11)
I feel refreshed momentarily even when I just briefly glance over the words of Christ. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time in the New Testament. I really want to finish reading the whole Bible before I die. I finished the New Testament a while ago, then started from Genesis, and now I’m in Jeremiah. I think Jeremiah’s getting me depressed.
I think I’m done with my pointless ranting. But not my complaining! Dang it. I’ve got a test tomorrow, and it’s 2AM. I wanted to sleep early and get lots of sleep, then wake up early and study like mad until my test. But now it looks like I’ll get neither sleep nor study. *sigh*

So on Friday night, I ended up going to Kevin Ho's fairwell party. I would have liked to hang out with Jin at House of Sushi or hang out with the guys as we usually do on Friday nights, but Kevin is leaving the country and possibly never comming back... To send him off, me, Jen, Jerry, Tensi, Kevin Ho (obviously), Troy, TJ, Alfred, Vasily, and Maggie all had dinner at Fridays.

Jen and Tensi

Jen, Tensi, my predecessor, and Troy

TJ, Alfred, and Maggie

After dinner at Friday's, I suggested we all go to my place to watch The Pursuit of Happiness. Sad that, on the way up, I was the only one who got lost.  Anyways, we ended up not watching the movie and doing something a little more interactive. I had all these karaoke games that everyone wanted to play, but I left my mike at school and lost the other one. They weren't selling any at Meijers and blockbuster doesn't rent them out, so we played poker and Soul Calibur III instead. TJ left early because she was alergic to Sprite, and Troy went with her. Around midnight, Jen, Kevin Ho, and Tensi left. Me, Maggie, and Alfred played big 2 while Vasily and Stella played endless rounds of Soul Calibur III. Vasily was starting to feel too good about beating my sister in a video game, so I had to pwan him by crushing him with Kilik using only 10% life... hahaa

Sometime later, Maggie left as well. Around 4AM, Alfred and Vasily were about to go as well, but we were in the middle of an interesting conversation (something about innocence and innocent personality) so I suggested we go to Denny's. On the way there, I decided to think of a game for the sake of bonding: we each ask the other people questions that the other person must answer. If they don't want to answer it, then they'll have to pay for the apetizer. The rules are: if it breaks someone else's confidentiality in you, then you don't have to answer it; unless there's permission, whatever is revealed stays in the circle (the alternative is how friendships end); and there shall be no judging people because of either their answers or their questions.
So I ended up knocking Alfred out on the first question. Lucky for him, I also got Vasily on a question, so they ended up splitting the bill. Even though we were only going to stay for 1/2 an hour, we ended up talking until 6AM. I feel like I got a lot closer to both of them, and I'm really glad for that. I always felt dissatisfied that I was generally closer to the girls in the group than the guys.
Truth or buy midnight snack. Fun times...

So on Saturday, we celebrated me and Tensi's birthday. Me, Jen, Vasily, Tensi, Kevin Ho, my sister, Steve (Tensi's friend from NIU), Alfred, Troy, Maggie, TJ, and John celebrated our birthdays starting with dinner at Bahama Breeze. Although I was very dissapointed that one person very special to me couldn't make it, I was really happy that later on both Doza and Jin came. I must admit, I'm both a little surprised and touched that Jin showed up. Anyways, after the delicious dinner, we went over to Troy's house and chilled, talked, open presents, took lots of pictures, played Taboo, and got rocked in poker by Tensi and Maggie (and they were n00bs!)
Hmm. I think it's one of the few if not the first time that I hung out with the same group of friends as my sister.
I had lots and lots of fun and played late into the night. 
My mind is pretty depraived of creative thought right now, but here are some pictures instead!

Alfred and I at Bahama Breeze

everyone at dinner

My dish... Why did I get such a non-Jamacian dish? Oh well, it was tasty

Jen and Vasily modeling their dishes

Doza came to hang out with me for my birthday as well. Made me happy.

That tiara looks much hotter on Kevin Ho than Tensi

aww... laughter is beautiful

Even Jin came! I was actually kind of surprised, and touched. Then I found out Vernon Hills is only 15 minutes away, so it wasn't too far after all.

TJ baked matching candle-shaped pinapple-filled cakes in our favorite colors!

Maggie, myself, and Alfred

I think these were the awkward expressions we had that one time Poofy caught us in an awkward position outside of Agnus' dorm

birthday persons (March 3rd and 6th)

 
Tensi opening her present

chillaxin at Troy's place

Maggie and I

I didn't want Vasily to do something gay like pick me up so I decided to get the jump on him

Birthday cakes...

...gone wrong

she got me in my hair   

she thinks she's graceful       jk

Today I accompanied Sophia for her meeting with Dan Shiau. I ended up staying and talking with him afterwards for about an hour. That man is just a fountain of wisdom.

I'm concerned because I've noticed a lack of joy and thankfullness in my life. I am repetedly presented the gospel message; scariest of all, I conceptually understand and "accept" the gospel message while remaining lukewarm and unmoved. Not even a shadow of my former passion for God is recognizeable in me. I want to be a blessing and an encouragement, I want to live a life of love, compassion, authenticity, purity, righteousness and leadership. But I throw my hands in the air and set aside that pursuit for now, because I know it's pointless unless I re-establish my foundation.
   Ah. Breakthrough (I wasn't expecting this). "I throw my hands in the air and set aside that pursuit for now..." That's just it. I've seen a glimpse of the beautiful body of Christ (that is, the christian community) and the glory of God, sometimes reflected in myself and sometimes reflected in others. I have delighted in it and treasured it... and in time, forgotten that the only reason for any of that, the only reason why it's possiable or accessable to me at all in the first place is not because I have attained it through my own efforts, but because God, out of his grace, made it possiable for me through the sacrificing the life of Christ on the cross. I can almost hear Paul speaking to me as he did the Galatians (Galatians 3:1)- "You foolish Kevin! Who has bewitched you?!" I have let my foundation in Christ be replaced by silly desires and the shiny things of the world. I wanted to hold on to the joy, passion, purpose, and thankfulness that Christ offers, but forgot to hold on to Christ.

Aiyah. How humiliating. This is me. This is who I am. Brothers and sisters, I'm in a sorry state before you- I try so hard to be strong for you, to protect you, to be a leader, and all that jazz. But honestly, when it comes down to it, I'm wrestling with the gospel message. Emberessing to be this open, but oh wells. I know I'm taking a step forward in finding my foundation in the One that really matters. The gospel isn't just something that I just understand once, and in the atmosphere of dim lights and soft music, make a decision to accept and belive; and once I've done that, I can move on to deeper and more profound theological truths in righteous living. No, this gospel is the good news on which I bet my life, and will gladly wrestle with every day for the rest of my life. I will daily take up my cross. (Luke 9:23)

As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   Where can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
   day and night,
   while men say to me all day long,
   "Where is your God?"
These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
   how I used to go with the multitude,
   leading the processing to the house of God,
   with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
   among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
   Why so disturbed within me?
   Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet priase him,
   my Savior and my God.
   My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
   from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon- from Mount Mitzar
Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
   all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

                  -Psalm 42

For a while now, I've been wanting to write a deeply thought provoking and articulately worded Xanga entry. The only problem is... I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what's wrong, but I just feel like something's amiss. Have you ever felt that way? I want to talk about it with a close friend. But every conversation leaves a sense of... dissatisfaction and emptyness, like you spent a long time talking and listening but didn't get to say what you wanted to say. It's not that the other person talks too much and didn't give me a chance to speak. It's not that I'm looking to the person to fill something that I should be looking elsewhere for. It's just the simple fact that, dispite my desire to be authentic, I don't even know how to express that thing that I wanted to talk about.

Perhaps it's a matter of foundation. Why is my heart so easily distracted? Why?! It started with just a few glances. All the shiny things and shiny people in this world. Before I knew it, I've taken my eyes off the True Light. I'm afraid that without me knowing it, my foundation has erroded away, leaving me as a hollowed out and empty shell.

Hmm... It's getting more difficult to write now. I don't feel as bad as I did a couple hours ago when I was listening to Pastor Peter's message in AAIV. I was really questioning starting to question my salvation. After talking to him after the message, I felt greatly encouraged. Now, a few short hours afterwards, I've declined back to a lukewarm equalibrium. In one night, God has shown me a snapshot of my walk with him. I'm so conditional. So many highs, and so many lows. I've experienced His magnificent power in amazing ways; I have tasted a glimpse of eternity in the midst of rapturously joyfull and passionate worship. My heart has been opened to seeing his fingerprints at work and have seen so many signs assuring me of his love beyond a doubt. And yet- I have doubted, and there are times, like tonight, when I still doubt. I have been pushed to the breaking point countless times, and have lost faith more than once since I "committed" my life to Jesus. And yet, not by my own strength or effort but by God's grace, time after time, his hand reaches down and pieces me back together.
Only to have me forget again.

Love is my greatest goal in life.
    But have I made love an idol? I made an entry about this on November 18, 2006.

Who am I really?
     "I'm not what I ought to be; I'm not what I would like to be; I'm not what I'd hope to be. But I am not what I once was, and by the grace of God, I am who I am."

What are the things that matter to me? Do those things really matter in the end?
What do I hope for? What do I look forward to? What does this reveal about me?

Is which is harder: to wake up someone who is asleep, or to wake up someone who is awake but dreaming that he is awake?

Wake. Me. Up.

I remember at OIL, our smallgroup leader asked us (for conversation's sake) if we could choose to have a relationship with someone who is aboslutely perfect for us, but the drawback is that you can't have kids, would you take the deal. A lot of people had very strong opinions, and most people said they wouldn't take the deal because they want kids. That was the answer I had given as well, although I was less convicted.

Yesterday I talked to chilled with Doza. He also said that whoever he married would have to be open to having children.

Hmm... It is a pretty big deal.

...but I feel like I might be willing to change.

Since I'll be at school tomorrow, my parents decided to celebrate my birthday a day early. It's definitely not Fogo's this time... just lunch at Yu's Mandarin, where my mom works. Oh well. I find myself really not having as many requests or many as big a deal or being all emotional over my birthday as I used to.

Lately, I've been feeling unfulfilled... and a sense of forlorn longing. I know what (or who...) my heart longs for. But I've been telling myself, and some friends have been hinting at me, that I should be yerning for God. However, something about that doesn't seem quite right. It somehow doesn't seem right for me to be in the position where I'm looking to and expecting God to complete me, fill me, and satisfy me. I guess it doesn't sound too bad- because God does do all of those things. Still, it makes it seem almost like "God" is an answer they're trying to sell to me- "You have this need! God will fix that need! Get God, solve your problems!" It's almost like a commercial.

The world does not revolve around me. I was created to worship God; I didn't create "God" to fill my needs. (Those "gods" are called idols.)

Lord... Addoni... help me focus less on myself and more on you. Help me muse upon what you have already done for me and already provided for me, instead of worrying about how I can get you to satisfy my current perception of what I want. You are God and you are in control. May things be done your way, not only because it's the best way and better for myself and everyone, but simply because you are worthy. Please teach me to have the right attitude... when my prayer falters... When this is a private entry and no one else hears... when my prayers fail... when my step falters... will you reach out, into the darkness and dispair, and draw me back to you.