*cross out*

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day today! Nina called me and woke me up, then we went to IKEA together. It was my first IKEA experience, even though now I live like 5 minutes away from it. The legends are true!!! Fifty cent hot dogs, sweedish berry juice, "junk pile" with $5 furniture, and everything you could ever need for home decor- it's all true, and it's all here!!  Man, from now on IKEA is the place for all my furniture needs. I didn't want to spend much (or any) money because of a special emergency comming up... ....but anyways, I went in a bit skeptical I would find anything, but I left with a book shelf and a table-shaped object that is the perfect dimensions for my bed, all salvaged for dirt cheap from the junk pile.
So now, two weeks after moving to my new home-home in Schamburg (one week since Chapter Focus Week retreat), I finally have my room somewhat in place and can start productively cleaning it... tomorrow.

The IKEA trip made me a little late to basketball, but I was still able to get in on the AAIV guys' Memorial Day basketball and Chinese Buffet tradition. Fun times... 

On the way back, even though I got lost (and in the same area, for the third time in two weeks), I felt really blessed. I dunno why but I was just really happy and prayer/praise driving all the way back home.

So anyways on another random note, I wanted to do devotionals today. Which is sad to say it that way, because I should want to (and should do) every day. But... I can't find my Bible.  What's even more sad and shameful is that it took me this long to notice. This past week, I've searched the house for power strips, nail clippers, and my Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children DVD cover, but I haven't noticed my Bible was missing until now. I'm ashamed at how unfaithful I've been, and yet God is always showing his grace to me...
Dilly-dally shilly-shally... I guess I'll use my TANAKH.  I just noticed that I have it left over from my Jewish studies class, and it's sitting on the shelf. Good thing I'm going through the Old Testement right now.

*cross out*

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Selah

Maybe that was the word that the Israelites used to express themselves when God poured out so much goodness that they were overwhealmed. ‘cuz that’s kind of how I feel right now… kinda just like taking in a deep breath of goodness and sighing in delight- Selah

About half an hour ago or so, I had just finished up showering, and it was just about lights out. Lately I’ve been feeling a burden on my spirit, so I decided to go outside and chillax in the pleasant weather for a bit. In the cool of the night, I carried one of the wooden chairs over the bridge and across the creek, where I settled. I didn’t really have any direction or purpose, but I was listening to random Hillsongs songs on my iPod. In the cool of the night, I invited God to guide me in a time of reflection, prayer, and dialogue with Him. As I continued to pray, it became clear to me that all the burdans in my life and my current struggles are mainly due to a God-shaped void in my heart.
Lord, my heart is hollow without you… I can not fill this void with anyone else or anything else. I know that but I tried to anyways. My heart is poisioned with all the junk I put in there, when it was only meant to be filled with you. Lord I long for you; help me know you are near.
I continued to pray. After a while, I felt the Spirit lead me to cross the grassy field and go over to the lake. In my heart, I felt a yearning for Him continue to grow. I shouted out to the lake “God!! Help me know you are here…”
At that moment, I felt God’s presence with me; he pointed me to a verse somewhere in Romans 8. I flipped out my phone and searched Romans 8:
For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything in all creation will be able to  separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 8:38
At the same time, my I just noticed that my iPod happened to be playing the song At The Cross by Hillsongs:
…At the cross I bow my knees, where your blood was shed for me, there’s no greater love than this
You have over come the grave, your glory fills the highest place, what can separate me now?
You tore the vale, you made a way, when you said that it is done…

Hmm… Selah

The last traces have been erased...
I found out that my voicemail doesn't keep saved voice messages around forever. It automatically deletes them after several months. I realized that when it deleted a voice mail from Noelle that I had saved.

Electronics... once things are erased or reformated, it is as if the thing hand never existed in the first place. Can human interactions be the same?

foRgEt....

All of us have made mistakes. When we look back... what could lead us to do such things? I don't think many of us intentionally do bad things while feeling guilty and knowing that it's wrong. I'm sure that most times, in the moment, it starts with an "innocent" mistake. Maybe we just weren't thinking. Caught in the moment, or maybe lacking discernment and foresight, we don't see the consequences of our actions. We don't think about how what we do can end up hurting others or harming ourselves.
But as the events unfold, we start realize how wrong things are going. Realizing that we've made a mistake, what do we do? During this time, do we even remember those who love us, those who promised to be there for us and bail us out no matter what trouble we got ourselves into? Maybe. Why do we not call out for help to someone who we know we can trust? Maybe it's just easier to try and tough it out ourselves. In the end, it's much easier to depend on ourselves than on others, isn't it? We don't have to admit that we messed up. We don't have to admit to others or even to ourselves that we are helpless to help ourselves... We tell ourselves that we are in control of things, and all the while the situation gets worse and worse...
In the wake of our mistake, what do we do? Seeing the harm that we've done to ourselves or others, seeing how others can be hurt, angry, upset, or disappointed, what do we do? Even now, it's easier to cover up our mistakes with more lies and mistakes than to turn back. Before we realized it, we went from a careless decision to intentionally violating our consciences to cover up our mistakes. We've become someone we're disgusted with, and the weight of our sin suffocates us. If we continue down this path, it won't be long before the guilt of lying and doing what we know is wrong fades away... and our hearts become numb and rooted in evil. Why?? If only we had given more thought before initially acting. If only we had cried out for help and trusted in someone who loves us during our time of need. Even in the aftermath, hard to admit that we messed up. How much do the people who told us they love us really love us? It's hard to believe that they can love us even now, if they knew how badly we messed up. Too ashamed or maybe too afraid, we again reject the love that has been offered to us...
When will we learn... to trust in the love that has been given to us? When will our hearts become so overwhelmed by the depth of pure love that we will trust and not turn to ourselves? If only we realized that in the face of perfect love, we don't have to be afraid or ashamed of our sins... because perfect love drives out all fear.

I have messed up so many times, and broken God's heart so many times. Every time, I've been stubborn in trying to handle things myself. Again and again I sin against God, and yet he forgives me, and lets me break his heart as many times as it takes for me to realize he loves me and finally trust in his love. It is for this reason... that I will love and forgive others who have hurt me... as many times as it takes for the Lost to embrace God's love.

It's a beautiful day; only slightly warm of perfection. The kind of day that makes me want to spend it outside throwing a football or frizzbe or something with friends... Or maybe laughing and sipping iced tea with friends under the shade. It'd also be a nice day to run, if I had a running buddy. Or maybe fishing or walking along the beach with someone...

It's sort of strange. It's strange that I would require people in order to maximally enjoy a nice day. I seems I tend to start thinking in such ways after I've isolated myself for a while. Maybe it's because I've forgotten how complicated, painful, and messy things can be when other people are involved. I told myself that I would use all the time God has given me, whether alone time or time with others, to grow in strength and sanctification. I don't mean just instances of being alone or with others, but rather seasons. I seem to go through seasons in life when I share a deep connection with one or a few people, as well as hermit phrases. All for the glory of God, I suppose.

Next time it's a beautiful day, if I don't have to study, I'm going to go on a prayer run devotional.

I just finished writing a 21 page paper. That's the longest paper I've ever written. And the craziest thing is... I did so 4 days early, and without having to pull all-nighters, pulling my hair out, or contemplating suicide. Wow... I feel so accomplished.

So yesterday, me, Doza, and Dan Lee chilled at Doza's place and took a spiritual gifts assessment test. Even though the test was inherently flawed because it was catholic (just kidding...) it identified me as having the gift of counseling and teaching. Pretty cool. Anyways, afterwards we went to eat at Chi Cafe. We ended the night by grabbing ice cream and watching "The Two Faces of My Girlfriend" at the condo. It wasn't untill too late that I realized the situation I had gotten myself into: three guys, a chick flick, and ice cream. Shamefull...   -_-'
Anywho afterwards I went to play poker with Clint, Tim Jiang, Jerry, Pat Lok, Matt Yap, Vince, Joe Song, and Frank Tung... and... lost $5 quick. By the time poker was over it was already late into the night but I chilled for a bit longer at Tim and Jerry's room before going home. I got home around 4AM and decided to make some ramen and dumplings in a small rice cooker in my room while cozying up in my bed and reading Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris.

The consequence... waking up really late today (around 3PM) and not getting to school until 4PM. I came to school to study at the library, only to realize they close at 5PM on Saturdays. rawr... I guess this is what happens when you spend the last 4 years in anywhere else except the library. Seriously I didn't even know the place had stairs until this year. Anyways... time to get back on track and go super crunch time here in the dorms with John Huang.

RanCor161314 (9:51:48 PM): hey Poofy

mEIn1derland (9:51:53 PM): yo

RanCor161314 (9:54:01 PM): umm...
RanCor161314 (9:54:07 PM): ....
RanCor161314 (9:54:19 PM): I think i'm in love with you
mEIn1derland (9:54:31 PM): liar
RanCor161314 (9:54:33 PM): APRIL FOOLS!!!!
RanCor161314 (9:54:36 PM): darn
RanCor161314 (9:54:37 PM): = p
mEIn1derland (9:54:37 PM): i wasn't fooled
mEIn1derland (9:54:39 PM): hahahahhaaa
RanCor161314 (9:54:41 PM): you were so fooled
RanCor161314 (9:54:42 PM): = p
RanCor161314 (9:54:49 PM): dang it.    v_v'
mEIn1derland (9:54:54 PM): not..realli
mEIn1derland (9:54:55 PM): lol
mEIn1derland (9:54:59 PM): i expect that from you
mEIn1derland (9:55:02 PM): mebe next time
mEIn1derland (9:55:02 PM): lolol
RanCor161314 (9:55:10 PM): pssh
mEIn1derland (9:55:14 PM): lol
RanCor161314 (9:55:14 PM): that's just cuz its over aim
mEIn1derland (9:55:18 PM): nope
RanCor161314 (9:55:28 PM): if i unleashed my full mushyness in person, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself
RanCor161314 (9:55:28 PM): = p
mEIn1derland (9:55:53 PM): ...i would run away
mEIn1derland (9:55:53 PM): for sure
RanCor161314 (9:56:23 PM): psh
RanCor161314 (9:56:25 PM): you would melt
RanCor161314 (9:56:26 PM): on the spot
RanCor161314 (9:56:32 PM): like an ice cube under a hot lamp
RanCor161314 (9:56:33 PM): = p

Lord...
I know I whine to you a lot... but if I could ask you for just one very special prayer request...
...where ever she is, whatever she's doing, whatever she's going through... please whisper to her how much you love her and let her know that you are always with her...

Maybe I wouldn't make such a good hermit after all.

I'm starting to miss certain people so bad that it hurts. It's hard to focus on school work... and even when I do, it seems pointless. Everything is starting to feel stale and pointless...
I fluctuate between squandering my time on mindless distractions and a crippling claustrophobic-esque panic and sense of hopelessness that I'll never finish my homework.

...maybe I just need to pray more.