Dear Noelle, thanks for meeting with me and clearing things up. Although things didn’t go as delightfully as I had idealized, I know and believe that everything happened as God’s response to prayer. I had spent a lot of time praying for you- for us- during OIL. Even though I was confused and attached and uncomfortable and whatnot because of the sharp change in you, I know now that it’s for the better. I’m glad that God cut you free of anything that was holding you back and that you are now unhindered in your growth. I’m sorry for all the hurt, frustration, and disappointment I had caused you. I’m sorry you never got anything out of loving me. And also, I forgive you. I forgive you for telling me you would never give up on me. I forgive you for telling me you love me.
Thank you for unhesitatingly saying all of the things that I was concerned about but never had the courage or the charisma with words to say it in a gentle and loving way. Thanks for pointing out my immaturity and all my shortcomings unflinchingly. It brought me to a brokenness beyond godly humility and allowed room for utter reliance on God. I was so afraid at first that the marked lack of grace and gentleness that you showed me when we met was universal and that I had changed you in such a dramatically negative way. I'm relived to know that you are still just as sweet, excitable, and loving as before to everyone around you. God has given you a very caring and patient heart, and I know that because of Him, you will always be a blessing to many people. I'm am very happy that you're beginning to realize how much you're worth- to the point where you will no longer waste your time on those who won't yield a reasonable return. I hope you will begin to delight in who you are and that God will heal you of insecurities. Although emotional and sensitive people suffer the disadvantage of having a tendency to be seen as less mature, I've never thought of that as your weakness. You have, though, gained wisdom and insight and seen how blinding, binding, and dangerous it can be though- and I thank God for that. I hope that with that new wisdom and experience, you can be true to yourself and still be balanced, rational, and filled and controlled by the Spirit.
I am relieved to know that you rarely waste your time thinking of me or the past anymore; that you can undistractedly pursue your ultimate goal of getting good grades, being successful, and pleasing your parents. I will continue to expend myself and pray for you, as often as I think of you (which is still quite often, whether I will it or not).
I pray that the next years will be a time of growth, opportunity, and blessings for you. I pray that God will guide you where you need guidance, strengthen you where you are weak, and let you fall in areas where you need to rely on Him. I pray that God would please grant my request… that he would be with you, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, and whisper to you how much he loves you and how beautiful you are in His eyes… and that far from being inherently flawed, you are predestined for flawless love and heaven bound. I pray that he would shower you with grace in abundance, burst open the floodgates of heaven and pour out blessing after blessing upon you- through your school work, work, AAIV, spiritual growth, family, and friends who are actually worthy of your time. And… yeah… I guess I’ll just keep praying for you until I run out of words to say, at which point I’ll ask the Spirit to intercede.

          hesed and salaam,
                                    Kevin

P.S.   I actually did have a Christmas card and present… The Noelle the card goes to no longer exists, but I’ll give you the present if I find it (it’s kind of unique and I was freaking out that I misplaced it).

P.S.S. (or was it P.P.S?) I still have your sweater and scarf. I think you may still have my coat button… I left it in one of your drawers.

P.S.S.S   Sorry this e-mail is random and unorganized. I got the impression after talking to you that it was the end… so I tried to throw everything in.

Why is it that the people who have the power to hurt me the most...
...always do?  

So it happens again... the one I most loved... has become my worst nightmare incarnate.

God is our refuge and strength,
   very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though it's waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
                                     -Psalm 46:1-3

I have never felt pain like this before.
Imagine being dunked in icy cold water; your body goes into shock, your heart feels constricted, and you gasp for breath as you feel an invisable vice gripping your chest.
That's kind of what it feels like.... except the shock to my heart isn't caused by cold but by agony.
...It's getting hard to breath...

..... ... .  .  ..Excellent. Everything's working out in accordance to God's plan.

I will be a man of faith.

pour out my heart and drain all I have within me...
   ...so that others may drink their full and be blessed

That's it then.

I will resolve to DIE

"I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare."   Ecclesiastes 7:26

"Be very careful then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise...    Ephesians 5:15

Today I did the same workout as last week. Last week I was so sore and it lasted for days. Today, I barely feel it. I guess my body gets used to punishment after a while... not unlike the heart. I wonder if the body similarily has a breaking point?...
    ...I suppose I shall find out.

Today I wrote a long private entry, a long protected entry, and a public entry.  Here's the public entry!

Yay, I have no class on Fridays!! I've never had a three day weekend semester before! Anyone wanna celebrate with me... at Friday's?

So in my schedule, bold means I have to go to it and not bold means I intend to go to it but can switch things around to meet up with people or as things come up.

Hmm... what else... Oh yeah! I went to get an eye exam for new contacts yesterday. The guy was really nice and said that he did psychology as an undergrad. I think I'll start praying to see if I should go into optometry. Please pray for me?

Hmm... I think this was a conversation from a few years back between me and a friend who goes to Illinois College of Optometry:

Mai: "I got into optometry school!"
Me:  "Yay, congrats!!! It sounds interesting to be studying ears!"

...a prayer of Kevin

You have taken from me my closest friends
   and have made me detestable to them.
   I am confined and can not escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
   I call to you O Lord, every day;
   I spread out my hands to you.

My eyes are ever on the Lord,
   for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
   for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
   free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
   and take away all my sins.

                                                                                                                            *Psalm 88:8-9    *Psalm 25:15-18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a while since I vigorously tried to record all my dreams on Xanga. I don't think that all dreams have meaning, although some could be revealing. Reoccuring dreams are especially likely to be significant in some way. This is a dream I had a couple nights ago, that I think might have been a reoccuring one:
Almost everyone in the world has been overcome by vampirism. Me, Chris Jun, and a few other people are pretty much the only ones left that are gathered together. It was a lonely, sad, and desperate situation... thinking that pretty much everyone I've ever known and loved has turned into vampires who will attack me if they saw me. I remember a lady from the counseling hotline that I volunteer at called. She was staying on the roof of her place to keep safe (dreams are alogical after all) and was asking if I would come rescue her and end this vampire madness. Mostly with my own drama in mind and without much compassion, I reassured her and hung up. In this dark dream, there was one hope- we had been working on a cure, and finally completed it. There was some plan to try and administer the cure and save the world, and Chris and the others were to go and implement it. I remember excited at the thought of being together again with those dear ones who were lost to me. They went off, and I waited. After a while Chris came back, and she looked normal and excited. I ran to her, smiling excitedly and happy to see her. "Are you ok? Did it work??" As she came closer to me, her smiling face changed: her eyes turned blood red, her smile grew into fangs, and her laugh became malicious and evil. As Chris pounced on me and attacked me, terror filled my heart... but as she bit me and killed me I remember not being scared anymore, just kind of a sweet sadness... and I thought It didn't work... but... I don't have to be scared... I've lost everyone... I've lost Chris too... at least now I'll join them again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever gotten into yourself into a lot of trouble? I mean, deep, deep trouble... like you know that you have one last straw before you really screw yourself over and... you break it. It's the feeling of knowing you messed up, knowing you deserve what's comming to you, even though that would wreck your life or change it forever. I was pretty lost when I was younger, and had often ran into situations where I felt that way. One particular time was when I was about to get expelled from high school during my freshman year. They had shown me the alternative school; they only need my parent's signature, and they were already pressuring my English-inapt parents to sign a form they probably don't fully understand so that the school could get rid of me. Explusion meant I would be labled an outcast forever, even more so than I already am. Expulsion meant waking up earlier to go to a school far far away; it meant disgracing myself and my family. Worst of all, expulsion meant seperation- seperation from normal people, a normal life, and the extinguishing of all hope of ever finding acceptance, friendship, love, and intimacy. I remember being filled with a constant panic, the thought of something devistating and inevitable looming over my every step. It was a suffocating feeling of desperation. I really realized how badly I screwed up, and wish that I had just one more chance to live, love, grow, and turn from my old ways. I knew that my pleas would fall on deaf ears- they would have no reason to belive that I would change, and sorry or not, I had messed up badly for the last time. I remember praying and crying out to God and asking him to save me from being expelled. I promised that I really would change and asked Him to show me if he was real and he really loved me, if he would rescue me.
To this day, I still belive it was a miracle of God that kept me from being expelled. That was when I really started to belive that God was real. After experiencing such a "close call" and comming back, I started to change more. God continued to work in my life, and grow me in my understanding and love.

It wasn't until Wednesday at Servants large group, while I was listening to the song Second Chance by Hillsong United that I realized something.
So it’s with everything I am
I reach out for Your hand
The hope for change
The second chance I’ve gained
That day that God rescued me... it wasn't to "show" me that he's real, or to prove to me his existance. He wasn't trying to buy my faith, or make a bargin with me. God didn't answer me to bribe me into beliving him and following him; he did what he did because I was truly sorry, desperate, in need, and called out to him for help. Simply, he saved me because I asked, the worked in me and changed me because I put my hope in him. And to this day, it's not just one second chance, but again and again he will forgive me, and again and again, I get as many chances as I want if I'm a beliver, if I only ask. I was overwhealmed, realizing just how much he loves me.
and that is my story... about His glory.

They played another song, Salvation Is Here, which I have heard many times before but God spoke to me through it, which makes all the difference in the world no matter how many times I've heard a song.
God above a world in motion
God above my hopes and fears
I don't care what the world throws at me now
I'm gonna be alright
Nothing so long this time... but it was still amazing to be flooded by the Spirit of God and reminded that even in my recent dissapointments and accumlating fears... no matter what happends or what the world throws at me, I'm gonna be alright because God is above it all and he is with me. It was something that I really needed to hear, and really needed to be reminded of. Thank you God, for speaking to me again.

Hey! Guess what?? I no longer live in a basement in Chinatown...
I now live at the UIC gym!

I worked out for two hours yesterday... I haven't been so sore in years.

From now on all I'm going to do is just eat, sleep, study, work out, and pray.

I think I'm going to hermit this semester.... really going to withdraw for the first time. My desire to reach out and faith in human friendship/relationships has been completely broken.

Eat, sleep, study, work out, pray... eat, sleep, study, work out, pray...

God, I don’t know what’s going on or why I feel this way right now, but I feel so depressed. I’m so down because I feel completely unloveable and worthless right now. Maybe it’s because lately I can’t help but compare myself to other people. I’m not as ambitious, driven, or hardworking as Noelle. Matt is graduating a year early, and going into law school. I feel so hopeless about my future, where I’m to go, or what I’m to do. I’m not crazy smart and hardworking enough to do med school or anything like it. I don’t know anything about business, and I’ll probably lose everything or succumb to greed if I try investing. I’m having a hard time believing that I’ll ever amount to anything. Over and over again, friends have come and gone. This time is no different, but somehow the pain still seems newer and deeper. I feel like I’m so sinful, ugly, weak, and pathetic that no one could ever really love me. Even though I tell myself all that matters is living for you… I realize how unpleasing I am to you. I’m so sinful that I can barely look at another person without sinning- be it jealousy, envy, pride, or idolatrous infatuation. I say I long for your righteousness, but I know that there are people who are doing a lot better job then me- that compared to them, I’m not qualified, humble, or worthy enough to be even a smallgroup leader, much less a family counselor within a church or a pastor. See?! Even now! I’m comparing myself to others. This is ridiculous… and it has to stop. Please help me…
In the midst of this torrent… I hear your voice calling to me- “I love you.” It’s overwhelming… I can almost laugh- why? Why do you love me? There is assuredly nothing loveable about me- there’s no guarantee that I’ll even be faithful to your love. And yet, the assurance is that I don’t have to worry about why, just that you do. That this love you offer is unconditional. I don’t have to be “good enough” by working hard, being smart, being good looking, or even righteous and faithful. I sin and sin again, and you love me so much and want me back badly enough to die to settle the score with my sin. You love me and I reject you, or turn to others for comfort- mere flawed humans like myself, and you love me still. I fall away and your hand reaches down from heaven to catch me. I take you for granted, push you back to second, third, or fourth choice in my heart… and still your love chases me down, and you do whatever is necessary for my good. You allow me to hurt because it’s for my own good, so that I my draw closer to you. You do that not because you are selfish or psycho and sadistic, but because you realize that only your love will satisfy the insatiable longing for intimacy in my soul… that until I find you, I will never find what my heart is longing for. And though you are so holy, so loving, so perfect… I always tend to be so self-centered, faithless, and whiny that I overlook the fact that while you’re allowing me to go through these trials, not only do you know what I’m going through but you hurt even more deeply then I hurt. You are a father who loves his son so much that you would rather take ten times the punishment upon yourself then to let your son experience any hurt… and yet, wise and perfect as you are, you force yourself to endure watching your stubborn son go through hardships and hurt because you know that ultimately it would be good for him… that if you save him now from his struggles, you are only destroying him in the long run. And so you wait, even though all the while your son whines and doubts you. And even Christ, although he was a son- and more perfect of one then I could ever be- learned obedience through what he suffered!* How much more fitting would it be for me then? Emmanuel, I pray that no matter what, I would keep my eyes on you. Not on myself, not on others… but on you. I don’t have to be smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, “holy” enough, or good enough to receive love as a son, friend, boyfriend, or husband because you already love me enough… and that love is unconditional and everlasting! Let that love really sink in… let it be my source of joy, my source of strength, my security, my all in all. This love is so liberating. I don’t have to feel suffocated by the crushing pressure of doing well enough to earn love or attention from someone. Jehova Jirah, I have your attention and you will provide for all my needs and beyond in this life and the next. I don’t have to feel the maddening panic or fear when I fail, because your love catches me and surrounds me. your love is perfect, and perfect love drives out all fear.* I am no longer a slave to sin, but I am free! Free to praise you, free to sing to you, and free to give my all to you!! I’m so joyful now. What a complete one-eighty. Thank you, Abba! I don’t think writing this letter to you can contain my expression of joy for your love anymore, so I’m going to go sing to you now.   

*Hebrews 5:8
*1 John 4:18

I miss her terribly every day. Everything seems to remind me of her and trigger a heart ache: drinking the tea she had given me that I had been saving; walking by the outside of her dorm; and even studying Chinese. She’s so smart and used to be so involved in helping me study Chinese that she probably learned it better than I did in the end. Today I realized more and more how much she helped me study, when I realized that I was on my own even for quick little questions. Many times, I would feel stupid and helpless, like there’s no way I could do it on my own. Then my pride would kick in, and I would be fueled by a fierce determination to do a stellar job, by my own might. Maybe if prove myself and I’m good enough, I’ll be worthy of acceptance… I’ve never thought that way about any specific person before, especially not through an academic light. Soon enough though, I realize my pride, love-me heart motive, and sinfulness, and I am broken by His love again. I would have returned to the hopelessness in stage one, except that this time I realize I can depend not on someone else, not even on my own strength, but on God’s love; for his grace is sufficient for me, and his power is made perfect in my weakness. So I turn to him with all that I am, all that I have, and ask for strength- emotional strength, as well as strength to set my sights upon him and to live with a passion to push myself to be the best I be for His name’s sake. Once again I am reminded of how much he loves me. Once again I am overwhelmed with security from the gospel* that I will never be smart enough or good enough to be worthy of love and acceptance, but that’s ok, because he loves me, and even if no one else does His love is perfect and it completes me.
Then I remembered that whenever I asked her for help, she often flipped to the back of my book and looked at something. I guess I had always discarded such methods as a waste of time or ineffective… but I decided to give it a try. It was really helpful.

*2 Corinthians 12:9
*gospel = “good news”

Healing has begun. My heart is still being torn constantly, but maybe will overcome heartbreak.