During a fit of insomnia last night, I came up with some goals to help me prioritize and maintain perspective for the next couple years.

Things to do after getting out of optometry school:
Learn to dance
Get better at playing the guitar
Take singing lessons
Learn Krav Maga
Learn Koiné Greek and practice hermeneutics using the Septuagint

Find my soulmate (maybe)

Things to do while in optometry school:
Do well in school
Get ripped
Fortify my spiritual core by experiencing the gospel on a deeper level through struggling to be more loving, unconditionally giving, wise, 
insightful, emotionally mature, faithful, and disciplined- and failing to do so, yet finding grace when I do
Form deep, meaningful, and mutually blessing friendships (maybe) 

I've come to realize that I tend to choose the people I want to be friends with, and once I've picked them, I'm relentlessly loyal. While this has resulted in a few very cherished friendships, it's pretty hit and miss, and these days, it feels like this quality will be the death of me.

On an unrelated note... here's one of my favorite quotes from the Firefly series:
"I look out for me and mine. That don't include you 'less I conjure it does." ~Mel 

I just had the most phenomenal tea experience. Sophia's mom, a master of tea, spent over an hour preparing (roughly translated) "elixir of legendary flower ascending dragon" tea imported from China. 

This week is going to be hell... my heart is still torn over these two people who are always on my mind, plus four exams this week. I have a hard enough time not going emotionally haywire without the added stress of school and lack of sleep. 

So yesterday I was walking around the RC with guitar in hand, looking for a place to pray and do my devotionals, when I noticed one of my classmates crying on the phone. Later that night as I was about to fall asleep, I remembered her. Filled with concern and compassion for my classmate, I forced myself out of bed and went to see if she was OK. We ended up going to one of the lounges and talked for a while, and I was relieved to see that she seemed to be doing better. Later on, a few other classmates came into the lounge. One of them made an awkward/teasing joke. I was trying to think of of a witty, "well played" way to diffuse the awkwardness, but unfortunately, I'm not that quick on my feet. Before I could respond, the classmate whom I've been talking with made a comment that spared herself by shooting my worth and image to the dirt.
*sigh*
Will this be the continued story of my life? I'll continue to expend myself for others, while people will only think of sparing themselves at my expense.

Today I asked one of my classmates for help in anatomy. It's not easy asking for help, and even harder when that request is ignored. I thought I saw something in her- that not only is she intelligent and hardworking, but also innocent, gracious, confident, relentlessly caring, and so much more than meets the eye. Can I bare to continue to believe in people, even when my heart is filled with disappointment? With all of my closest friends, I see their unique strength, glory, and beauty. I make a conscious effort to draw out these admirable qualities more and to encourage them with it. I want to encourage them towards becoming the wonderful men and women I believe they were meant to be.
*sigh*
But it doesn't always work out that way. In the past, my intentions have sometimes been misunderstood. And of course, I'm not perfect either. Like I mentioned before, I can also get disappointed and discouraged.

I will continue to care about and believe in people. Compassion that is conditional is not reassuring at all, and putting a limit on how much you believe in someone shows that you never believed in them in the first place.
...it's just... really hard sometimes, that's all. 

Sometimes it feels like my life can be described by a sine wave, with cycles of highs and lows. I guess that's true even after I started optometry school. From the start, I fell behind academically. Every time it seems like I'm about to catch up, waves of exam and new material come crashing down. *sigh*

I've noticed that I go through bouts of high and low confidence with people as well. I can climb high mountains, but am afraid to look down (allegorically). It's interesting that after years life experience in undergrad, reading various books, and listening to interesting psycho-theologic theories like the Heart Motives sermon series, I can understand pretty well what's going on in my heart. When I first started optometry school, I deliberately avoided seeking out time with my few remaining closest friends. I wanted to completely immerse myself in the community of optometry students, force myself out of my comfort zone, meet as many people as possible, and not rely on my close friends who are all in this city as a crutch. I wanted to be on at least friendly terms with everyone in my class and have at least one meaningful conversation with as many people as possible to get to know as many people as I can. I wanted to make my friendship available to people who are far away from home and missing their friends and family. I guess underlying all of this was the unquestioned assumption that I have something to offer, that my friendship would be a blessing to others, and that if people just got to know me then they would love me. (My round of high confidence, as a Love-Me in success layer- for those of you who would get this arcane Heart Motives reference). Although there really was a genuine desire to reach out to and be a blessing to as many people as possible, knowing myself, there must have also been an underlying tendency to try and find the one or two people I can really trust, deeply love, and become close friends with. So while I was meeting people, the deepest, darkest, and most selfish parts of my heart was probably at work trying to identify the ones whom I want to have a close friendship with. This part of me was probably evaluating everyone I met based off of my secretly high standards for close, trusted friends: their character; whether they have any noble, admirable, or praiseworthy qualities; if there's anything I find quirky or endearing about them; if they seem like they are loyal; and my perception of their ability and willingness for giving and receiving love and being close friends.
Once I get a general feeling of who they might be, I'd probably start spending more and more time with them. When I get to the point where I've picked out these "chosen ones", something interesting happens. It's almost as if there's a switch inside of me, and now, instead of being super confident, easy going, and persistently engaging, I take a step back and become super sensitive. (My bout of low confidence, now in Love-Me failure layer). All of a sudden I'm worried that if I spend too much time with them they would become weary of me. I start overthinking and overanalyzing things; everything I do becomes planned and calculated as I try to manipulate various situations. I'll also start doing little tests to gauge whether they value our friendship. I've learned over the years to actively restrain myself from testing my friends, but occasionally, especially during the process of deepening relationships, I'll let slip. Since at that point I won't notice that I'm doing it, it'd probably be something very slight; something I say or a seemingly innocent question, a casual touch, or just "disappearing" and not taking initiative for a while. If the person "passes" then I draw them into a closer circle in my heart. By the way, everything I've described up until now would be going on subconsciously, and I would be completely oblivious to these ignoble underworkings within my heart. Usually though, what will happen is this person will do something minor like say something somewhat criticizing, decline an invitation, or ditch me without reason/warning/explanation when we were supposed to meet up and I become extremely upset (although I maintain my composure and don't show it). Now, something that would have been slightly offensive at worse discourages me to the breaking point, a simple "no" becomes shattering rejection, and something that I would have shrugged off as someone being inconsiderate or forgetful is received as crushing abandonment. So of course by this point bright red flags and nylon signs are going off and I realize that something about me is seriously messed up, even though I don't know what it is.
Maintaining my smile just long enough to give these "chosen ones" the impression that nothing is wrong, I retreat to the sanctuary of my room. Dazed and confused, battered and bruised, I fall to my knees and break down in prayer (sometimes also with song and guitar), crying out to God. Eventually I'm reminded that I'm hurt only because I've (once again) misplaced my heart, and everything I've described above about my heart motives is revealed to me. Let me just say that it's very humbling for me to be convicted of how wicked I am. The underlying assumptions during my bouts of high confidence are, first off, prideful and completely ludicrous. I'm not loveable at all, and the more someone got to know me, probably the more horrified they would be. Secondly, I've got nothing of worth to offer anyone; the only times in my entire life where I've ever been a blessing or encouragement to anyone are the times I've been humble enough to let God work in my life to be a blessing to others. I think I'm being friendly and generous with my time and my friendship, that I strive to see the good in everyone, but at the same time, I'm functioning with an ulterior motive. I objectify people by evaluating them based on their capacity to satisfy my selfish desire to be loved. I justify that in my head by saying that I'm willing to completely pour out my life and all my love in return, but as Jesus put it, it's easy to love those who love you; true love is that which is extended even to your enemies. So, still in my room, still praying, I start to remember that I'm no longer enslaved by the insatiable desire to be loved and accepted. I start to believe that, no matter what I may be feeling, faith tells me that I am already intimately loved and unconditionally accepted by a God who demonstrated his sincerity on the cross. I find myself being filled with strength and security that is independent of anyone's approval of me. And I remember that I was put on this earth for a purpose: to protect, to heal, and to serve, not to constantly trip up over petty things.
So after 20-60 minutes or so of prayer, guitar, and songs, I am strengthened and refreshed enough to shrug off whatever bothered me before and keep focus on doing what I gotta do. That'll usually last for a little while at least, but then I start to forget the things I prayed about and eventually something this person says or does trips me up again and saps my strength. And I end up going back to my room and praying, and repeating this whole process. It's a constant struggle, hence the continued resemblance to a sine wave. By the way, let me just say that even though I'm super busy with school, I end up praying so much not because I'm "religious" or super spiritual or strong or whatever. It's actually just the opposite; it's a testament to how weak I am, how pathetically short my memory is, and how desperately I need a constant reminder of God's grace.

Let me just say that when I started journaling today, I did not expect to share my darkest sins and expose my wretched depravity to the world of Xanga. But somehow, when I think about how, even though I'm so messed up that God still loves me, forgives me, and seeks to have that deep, loving relationship that I long for with me, I'm not so worried about other people's view of me.

Things have been so busy since optometry school started, it's unbelievable. I'd really like to blog about my road trip to Colorado, our attempt at mountain climbing there, my experiences at ICO and all the people I've met here, as well as some deep reflections. However, I really don't have time for too much depth. I will say that the road trip was a fun experience, mountain climbing was both painful and exhilarating, ICO is amazing, and my colleges and dorm neighbors are wonderful people whom I look forward to working with and developing meaningful friendships with. Chicago in general is a pretty rude city, and the neighborhood where ICO is located in particular is rather shady. But within this school and this community it is almost as if there exists a magical barrier where everyone is friendly and caring, and the environment is safe, fun, and upbeat. I lost my wallet in lecture and it was returned to me with the $42 and all IDs in tact. I can leave my bike unlocked in the dorm hallways. Strangers will smile and greet me, and the financial aid guy genuinely does everything he can and shows me all the loopholes to help me make the most of my money, before he shares about his daughter who's also about to go into college. The school grounds is loaded with cameras and security everywhere, and is super safe. It's like living in a world among a community that is impermeable to the corruption of the outside world... kind of like Hogwarts. All of us first years have the same classes and the same schedule, so we spend the majority of our time together. While that might seem like too much for some people, our class is pretty huge, so it's always possible to meet new people or stay by yourself if you want to. As for me, I really enjoy meeting as many people as possible, while becoming closer friends with a few. Even though there are people that I hit it off more with or naturally gravitate towards, I have not met a single person who's a jerk or unfriendly towards me. So I guess in terms of the social, relational, and living aspects, I'm really having a great time at ICO. However the classes are so intense and super hard, especially since I was a psych major in undergrad and haven't taken many of the background science classes. I'm really stressed out about failing out of school, or not doing the best I can and learning as much as I can. I guess some stress is good for kicking my butt into gear. It's been a constant reminder of the importance of prayer. Even when I feel like I don't have time to pray, I'll pray anyway, because I know that I can't do it on my own. I firmly believe that the reason why I even made it here in the first place is not only because of the support and encouragement of my friends and family, and least of all because of my own hard work or natural ability, but because I have the support and blessing of the God of the universe. It's because I know that He is with me and he is for me that I'm able to not completely freak out and just try and do my best.

Yesterday I hung out with Calvin and Jin in Chinatown. Afterwards, Calvin when to work and Jin and I went to play basketball with Vince at UIC. We balled for a couple hours, and then went to meet up with Kris and Peter at LA Fitness to ball some more. We ended up playing basketball from like 4:30PM-11:00PM that day. We wanted to check out this Mexican restaurant up north after working out, but the insane rain storm wiped out the power in the restaurant and we ended up hanging out at Subways instead. All in all, it was a good day... fun times.
I guess these are the friends that I've been spending the most time with lately. I think as I get older, and life happens, I'm starting to rethink my views on friendship. Friends come and friends go, but then you make new friendships that are just as meaningful, or strengthen bonds with friends who have always been there. Sometimes the friends you think will be there for you your whole life disappoint you, and sometimes someone you think you will only know for a short time ends up becoming a close friend for years. I've always had a natural tendency to evaluate the friendships in my life based on how close we are or potential for closeness, and would always want to go deeper with the ones I choose to be friends with. However, as I get older, I'm learning to see things differently. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and really, the only relationship that I can be certain of is my relationship with God. So I will treasure all the friends that are in my life and not worry about how close we are (or can be but aren't), and pray that I may be a blessing to them while they are in my life, however long that may be.

Lost. That seems to be the theme of my life lately. I lost my camera, then I lost my phone. Lost my close friends, lost my way. Now I'm losing myself... I feel like the foundation of who I am is slipping away. The things that were clear to me before, like right and wrong, aren't so clear to me anymore. I guess I'll stick with my standard strategy when lost; pick a random direction and go forward.

Just like last year, for July 4th this year, David invited me to go camping with him and his cousins. To be honest, I've been going through kind of a low point lately, but the people I've met while camping are some of the most faithful and loving people I know, and that's always encouraging to see. I spent a lot of time this past weekend playing sports in the sun, playing with the kids, catching up with my Romanian brothers and sisters, and getting eaten by mosquitoes.

Here's Timmy cooking breakfast for us, as he usually does during camping and picnics. As usual, it's delicious.

The Costiuc's and Christi wasn't there this time, which was a little bit disappointing. But I got to know Gabby more, and spend some time with the kids

As soon as she saw me, Julia runs up to me and gives me a hug. Awww...
Kids are really perceptive. Julia was the only one who could tell something has been burdening me, something I've been doing a fairly good job of hiding. She's a sweet, adorable, and encouraging little girl.  

Anyway, this is Elise! She's my new favorite. Isn't she adorable?
She is a four-year-old who is full of energy and curiosity, always running around and laughing. Elise is the emblem of all the things that I value and want to protect: she's winsome, good-natured, affectionate, and the epitome of childlike purity. She's so innocent she doesn't even realize how adorable she is, or that some of the older kids are jealous of her, or that there are those in the world who would use cuteness for selfish gain. I hope she always stays this way...

I spent some time teaching Elise to play ball. She's just full of spirit

Emmy bought a new canoe from his neighbor, so we all got a chance to take it down the Kankakee river.

Apparently, I was to serve as some sort of ferryman or rower for these ladies.

Still, it was a peaceful and beautiful day, and we enjoyed had many good conversations as we traveled down the river.

....Until we missed our destination because of the swift current, that is. Truth be told, part of the reason why we missed our landing spot was because I lacked the help and cooperation of Ema, who had control of the rear oar. I guess that because I'm a guy, they expected me to do all the work/rowing... which would be fine, if canoes worked that way. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how hard one person paddles, there needs to be a second person to paddle in sync or the canoe would just rotate with a torque. Which was what happened to us. Before we left, Emmy asked me to take care of his wife and sister. So in all honesty, even if it was a random act of God like a hurricane hitting us and blowing us off course or something, I still would have felt guilty and responsible for missing our destination. So despite being slightly agitated, I did my best to keep cool, enjoy the added adventure and scenery, and calculate what would be the best method to getting us back. We ended up shoring up under this bridge here, and finally getting a cellphone reception and being able to make the call to get ourselves picked up.

After that exciting little adventure, I went to play some soccer with the guys.

Back at the camp, it was time to pack up. Elise followed me into the tent and helped me deflate my mattress while talking to me. She loves to talk, so I listened to her while I packed.

During the canoe ride, Adina invited me to come to the 4th of July BBQ and fireworks in Wheeling. So after an attempt to study during the day, David came by in the evening to pick me up and drive us to Ruben's place in Wheeling. We ate some, and then went and played some volleyball before it got dark.

The fireworks were pretty good in Wheeling

Here's Elise and her mom, Adina. Elise was so excited to see the fireworks, she kept exclaiming her enthusiasm for the lights and color in her Romanian accent. Agnes from Despicable Me has got nothin' on Elise!