I always thought that I wouldn't have to go through life doing things I "have to" do, but that I would somehow find what it is that I really like to do and somehow find meaning, purpose, and a career doing that. Lately I seem to have lost my motivation to study or work. I've been spending all my time on leisurely activities, keeping to myself. I was beginning to wonder if, because I would rather watch TV than study for the OAT, if that meant that I didn't have a true calling. I began to doubt myself, and all the things I used to say I was passionate about. I began to doubt my identity and my purpose.
Doing nothing but leisurely activities all during break has left me in a state of melancholy. I would play all night, sleep through the day, and wake up to repeat this cycle of indulgence. Occasionally some part of me would cry out against this pointless, downward spiral. But instead of sorting things out by praying, talking with a friend, or journaling about it, I would numb my senses with another episode of Smallville or just sleep. Weeks went by, and I continued this decline. In the complete absence of discipline or limitations, it was as if entropy was rotting my life away. I didn't study. I didn't work out. I didn't do my devotionals. I stayed up all night, slept as late as I wanted, and ate whenever and whatever I wanted. The leisurely activities I did remained enjoyable, entertaining, captivating... addicting. However, a deeper part of me was beginning to cry out. It was deeper than a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should be studying, preparing, or working out. Deep in my soul, I was beginning to feel aimless and pointless. Life was starting to seem dull and meaningless. I used to be so passionate. I had a vision and a mission. I had wholeheartedly given myself to a cause I truly believed in, and the energy born from that dedication was my fuel for worship. But all of that seemed to have slipped away from me. The dissonance between who I am and who I'm meant to be was reaching a breaking point. I locked myself in my room and spent the next few hours on my knees in prayer and reflecting. Afterwards, I felt as if I had regained some sense of self.
Earlier I mentioned that I was starting to wonder if I had a true calling of if I was really passionate about serving people and helping people see, and that I started to doubt because I enjoyed having fun more than studying. I realize now that even if I were offered a job where I got paied to watch anime and movies or play video games all day, I wouldn't take it. There would be no sense of purpose and no meaning. I've seen how a prolonged indulgence to leisurely activites can rob me of my vision, of my fire. I understand now; I want to do things for a greater purpose. It won't always be pleasent, but it'll always be meaningful. There will be times when I'd rather do something else- like hang out with friends instead of study- or sleep instead of staying up all night preparing for an exam; but these trials that come are what lets me know that I'm persuing something worthwhile. Sometimes I'll be tired and sometimes I'll be drained; but that's why breaks and times of rest and leisurely activites are still appropriate, in moderation. I understand now that God has given me my interests as well as my passion, vision, and fire. There's a time for everything, and if I learn to life a life of discipline and balance, then I could be true to myself and worship God whether I'm studying or playing.

It's Christmas. Today I woke up around noon and met up with Tia who drove to my house to hang out with me. We decided to watch Avatar. I didn't get back to my house until around 5. When I did, my parents and their friends were already eating and hanging out, so I just ate really quickly and went back to my room. Now, they're all away at some concert, so I'm home alone in my room.
*sigh* The thing that bothers me the most is that I have been so un-focused on what really matters most on Christmas. I've been doing nothing but staying up late watching Smallville and playing video games and just slothing through life. I haven't spent much time reading, studying, hanging out, reflecting, or praying. What I really wanted to do today, or yesterday, was just... go to church... or just be somewhere where I can feel the presence of God. I guess I'll just have my own personal quiet time in my room now that everyone's gone.

Lately I have been absolutely miserable. I've been drugging myself with episode after episode of Smallville. I feel mentally and emotionally drained, even though I haven't been exerting myself. I sleep more often then I should, even though I'm not physically tired. When I'm studying, I'm not doing everything I need to. I have lost all desire and motivation to study. No longer is there any drive to do my best; I have lost all passion to shine in all areas of my life, such as academics. I think about the homework and studying I have to do and, instead of being invigorated by the challenge, I am overwhelmed by a strong, adverse feeling. When I think about all the things I should be doing for optometry but am not, I feel anxiety welling up inside of me like clausterphobia. I am crushed in by a negative feeling of hopelessness and failure. Perhaps unconsciously, that is the reason why I have been sleeping and watching Smallville so much; to escape reality, escape my life. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what's wrong. I couldn't even put into words what was going on until I forced myself to journal just now. Because of this, I haven't been able to answer anyone honestly when they ask, "How are you? How have you been?" This inability to be sincere has eliminated possibility for any deep, meaningful conversations with my firends. I had always thrived on such conversations... Lately, even the conversations with my dearest friends have been nominal and lukewarm. Part of it is because no one is really reaching out to me and digging deep to draw me out. Part of it is because I don't want to want that anymore- I can't. I guess I feel like I have to find my own strength and not rely on others to save me. Maybe I feel like it's more noble that way: to devote my life to saving souls, healing hearts, and restoring brokeness, and expect nothing in return when I need the saving. Reguardless of what the reason may be, I find myself trapped in a cycle of darkness. I've lost my vision, my passion. My soul is dying and my spirit is withering away. The essence of everything that makes me who I am is draining away. I'm deteriorating from spiritual Alzheimer's. Life, without a cause, is empty and meaningless. And it is up to me to remember the reason for my existance.

Man, why is Xanga so dead? ...Why did I pay for lifetime Xanga premium back then?

Anyway things have been pretty good lately. I started watching Smallville again. I think I wrote a brief entry about it a little bit earlier, about why that show is so significant to me. I started watching Smallville when it first came out when I was a sophmore in high school. Season 1 of Smallville begins with Clark Kent as a freshman in high school, so watching the characters grow and develop over the years as I also transitioned from high school to college was kind of like "growing up" with the characters. The irony and relationship parallels and analogies made the show interesting to watch. The excellent quotes and one-liners make the show memorable.
Anyway, it was probably a bad idea to download all 8 seasons of Smallville. Probably a worse idea to bring seasons 1-3 with me to my appartment in Chicago, especially after a weekend of endless Smallville exposure. It's made me all emotionally haywire. Oh well, I guess this will be a chance to truly learn self-control, by limiting myself to 1 episode a day.

On a completely random note, I have decided once and for all that Wendy's IS superior to McDonald's. I taste the "fresh, never frozen," "hot juicy burger" difference.
I think I was reluctant to even consider that possibility all my life, because McDonald's is so much more famous and popular. In social psychology, familiarity breeds liking. But I guess once I realized that and am completely honest with myself, I must say that Wendy's is better.

 

Now I know why I haven't updated in a while... I've nothing interesting to say. blah.

Andrew and I started studying together to keep each other focused.

Me: "If you finish the chapter in the next hour, I'll buy you a McFlurry"
Andrew: "Aww, really?! Wow, that's incentive! Thanks! Hey, if you finish your flash cards in an hour, I'll buy you a McFlurry"

10 minutes later...

Andrew: "Hey... so what if we both reach our goals?"
Me: "Then I'll buy you a McFlurry and you can buy me a McFlurry"
Andrew: "Hmm... well, what if you want a small and I want a large? Just to let you know, I think I'm craving a large."
Me: "Keep distracting yourself and it won't matter what you want "

Imagine if you had amnesia for a few months. There are enough clues left over from your life to help you living life the way you used to, at least on the outside. But really, on the inside, you've forgotten who you are. You know you're lost; you know you were a much greater person. You try hard to keep up with living the life that you used to live, but it's draining you because you're not that person anymore. Then, one day, you wake up from the amnesia.

I just remembered who I am.
Identity. No matter where I go in life, what I do, or who I meet, I must never forget the foundation of all that I am. If I do, if I misplace my identity, then my life will be an empty shadow.

I miss you so much Grace, and it hurts that you're gone. I don't even know why I'm writing this note in second person, almost as if I'm hoping that you could read this, even though I know you never will.... (more sadness). I went home-home home this weekend, so I had the opportunity to dig through my box-of-lucky-special-things for the card you gave me last Christmas. The sadness and irony of your first words tore my heart:
"Well- another year has passed in our relationship (or lack there of) and we're still alive... by the grace of God."
It's almost prophetic, the words we spoke to each other before you left. It was almost as if, like your father said, you knew that time on Earth was short. You were trying to teach me that life is precious, and that we have so much to thank God for (life) even when we feel like complaining. I always took life for granted; mine, yours... If I had listened to you then, maybe I wouldn't be struggling so hard to learn this now that you're gone. But I thank you for the words that you left me, and I thank you so so much for giving me closure before you left. It was one heck of a ride, but I'm glad I got to know you. You have truly touched my life, and even now, you continue to challenge (and rebuke) me.

I ran into the intensive care unit, my heart pounding and my mind swirling, not knowing what to expect. There were a lot of people there earlier, but it was 3 AM Monday morning then and most people had gone home. Your parents were resting in the other room, but Becky, Jane, and your sister Sunny were there by your side. They invited me to pray for you or talk to you if I wanted to. Emotions choked back any words I might have said. I didn't know what to say; I never did, even when you were awake. It was always the same- so many indescribable feelings, you always had me at a loss for words. Watching you lying there, with tubes coming out from every angle and a machine to help you breathe, I almost lost it. My trembling hands gripped the edge of your bed for support as memories of you flood my mind...

...It was fall three years ago. I was at the AAIV fall retreat, and we were all gathered in the sanctuary singing and praising. My eyes were closed and I was doing my thing and worshiping, when suddenly, I hear this beautiful harmony coming out of nowhere. I thought Oh my gosh! It's amazing! An angel joined us in worship! So I turn around and look next to me, and I see... you, singing your heart out. After worship, everyone was giving each other hugs, so you turned around and gave me a hug. That was the first and last time. I think I almost melted.
Grace, that was the first lasting impression I had of you; this amazingly talented girl with a beautiful voice, passionatly giving all of her gifts and all of herself to worship God.

...We both lived in the dorms your freshman year. I wanted to worship, but I had no musical aptitude so I invited you to come over and lead spontaneous worship. We also invited a few of the freshman guys at the time to join us. We were the only ones singing and after a while, they left in the middle of a song. Maybe I was projecting my own awkwardness or uncomfortableness onto you. But looking back, when I looked at you, you were unphased. It didn't matter what othere people thought, you just kept on singing, even though it was just the two of us. Seeing you with your eyes closed and your heart set on eternity, I was inspired to sing my heart out as well.
I always felt unsure of myself, of my musical ability. I remember complaining to you about it before, and using that as an excuse for why I needed you to come lead.
"You have a strong voice." That was your response to me, and the only compliment you ever gave me about my voice. Looking back, you always told me how you appreciated my passion for God. That was the one consistant encouragement you gave me whether in person or through Christmas cards. I understand why, now. You were trying to teach me that true worship was not about music or lighting or even the words, but the heart. It was something I thought I always "knew," but I didn't really know until you patiently showed me.

..."Kevin, your passion for God is really encouraging. Keep on rocking for Jesus!" I always shrugged it off when you said that because I thought it was just one of those things people say just to say. But I realize now that you meant it, and coming from you, it means a lot. Thank you for seeing the good in me, and always encouraging me towards what's most important.

...I remember the time you asked me if I had eaten yet, and invited me to join you for dinner. I enthusiastically agreed. I remember we had a really good conversation, and even as we walked back to my room, you kept telling me about your missions trip in China. I your description of the things you saw and the things you felt filled me with a sense of similar passion and fire, and you knew it. I was like an unlit match that got too close to a burning flame. I remember you responding, "That's great! Because I tell some people, and they're just like, 'ok...'"

...It was Chapter Focus Week 2007. I left large group in the middle of the sermon to pray. Walking out the back, I fell on my knees on the sandy beach. I knelt there for at least the next hour, crying out to God and asking for guidance on what I should do with you. It started to rain, but I stayed on my knees, waiting for a sign. Finally, I decided to walk back into the gathering room. What a sight I must have been! My hair was dripping wet. Sand covered my knees and shin. A cricket hopped off of one of my knees. It was then that you called me over, and we had a talk. I don't remember what we talked about, except at the very end when you asked me if I like-liked you. When I told you that I didn't, you seemed instantly relieved. I don't know if I felt happy or sad...

I'm sorry I wasn't fully honest with you. It took me a while to work up the courage, and by the time I finally did, it wasn't even applicable anymore. But I'm really glad that I dug up that old journal entry from April two years ago and gave it to you at chapter focus week this past summer:

You were generous enough to reply in a facebook message. I treasure your response, even though some parts of it were hard:
Grace, your whole life was about worship. You reminded me that worship was not just about music, but about the heart. You showed me how to worship God in all areas of our lives, like in relationships. You taught me the reason why we worship; it is an appropriate response to who He is.

I couldn't help but think, maybe if you weren't an organ doner then they would have kept you on life support longer, giving more time for a miraculous recovery. But then I remembered the kind of person you were when you were alive; you would save up your hair for locks of love. Even in death, you give life to others. I can't help but wonder how many prayers God answered through you, for people who've been praying for their loved ones to recieve an organ.

I remember taking calc-based physics with you, even though I had never taken a calc class before. I never told you, but the truth was, I wanted to take that class just to be with you. My goal was to study so hard and do so well in that class that not only would I get an A, I would be able to help you in that class as well. Things didn't work out that way though, huh? We're both pretty stubborn, and I know I frustrated you a lot. I remember you saying that you stress easily, but the reason was because you wanted to do well and graduate on time. When I asked you why, you said it was because you made a commitment to God to serve for two years in China and you felt that time was running short. You finally made it through four years of hard work and PCAT exams, only for this to happen. At first I thought, what a waste... she's so young, talented, smart, beautiful, and passionate. She had so much potential, but it's all been wasted... But then I remembered the way you lived your life. To you, everything was about God, and you lived your life in worship of Him because you recognized that he was worth it all. You understood that Christ is worthy of our lives, and even of our deaths. You lived a life worthy of the calling, and you were faithful to the point of death. You understood that was what it truly meant to live life to the fullest, and I know that even now, you have no regrets.

I heard that on Sunday, just before the incident, you were leading worship. How significant then, that you lead others to worship to the very end. You lead worship and showed me the meaning of worship when you were around. Even while dying, you brought me back to worship. To be honest, I haven't gone to church in a while and my prayer life was getting kind of dry. But when I heard what happend to you, I was reminded of the importance and power of prayer. I spent the first half of the night praying at your church before comming to the hospital to be by your side through the rest of the night. I don't think there has been a single moment that you had not been on my mind the past few days, and I never stoped praying for you when I thought of you. I thank you that even in dying, you reminded me of the importance of depending on God through prayer. In your life and even in dying, you lead me to worship, while you yourself lived and died worshiping. Your death is a powerful reminder of what your life was all about- the epitome of worship. Thank you, Grace Yu. I will not forget the things you have shown me in life and in death.

 
September15, 2009: Rest in peace, Grace Yu

Yesterday Tiffany and I went to the Shedd Aquarium. I haven't been inside since I was a very young. We went on the "behind the scenes" tour, where I I learned that they have their own microbiology lab there and their own pathology lab. They use microbio techniques for such things as monitoring the water content as well as identifying pathogenic bacteria. The pathologist I spoke to said that one of the first things they would do with a sample is administer a Gram stain, and then based on the results, continue with other tests to narrow down the identity of the microorganism before applying the proper treatment. I thought it was pretty cool seeing how microbiology was applied in the real world. I definitely felt that my microbiology class enhanced my appreciation of the tour. After our official tour, Tiffany continued to give me a "tour" of the rest of the aquarium. Even though we paid for full access to all of the Shedd, we spent all of the remainder of the day just in the Oceanarium (beluga whales) and Wild Reef (sharks) sections of the Shedd. The animals were all so amazing and we were so captivated that we decided to skip lunch even though we were both starving.

a beluga whale trainer and a beluga whale

smart critters, these belguas

I think these were some sort of mini-eels... they were sticking out of the sand

I'm a total nerd liked reading these info cards

Can you see how many fish are in this picture?
Ans: three

a magnificent swordfish, but it moved too fast for me to get a clear picture

the underwater scenes were breath taking

the sharks moved pretty fast too so these pictures are blury

kind of looks like that scene from The Little Mermaid

This was the clearest picture of a shark that I got. I had to move the camera to perfectly match his speed

baby beluga whale and mommy beluga whale

the assembling of penguins

me and Tiffany

When they finally kicked us out of the Shedd, we were both starving. By some great luck, our 40 minute wait at Grand Lux Cafe turned into a 15 minute wait and we ended up with great seats by the window.  I had soo much fun yesterday, but was so tired by the end of the night that I just wiped out on the couch as soon as I got back to the appartment.

Fatigue burned in my legs as me and my roommate biked hard and fast up the incline of the bridge. Breathing heavily, we finally reach the top and lock our bikes by the gate. We lean over the bridge and take in the view as the afternoon sun shines off the waters of the Chicago River below us. We take a quick look around, just to make sure no one is watching us. Then, we swing around back and quickly climb down a flight of metal stairs hidden around the back of the bridge. Running in the secluded area under the bridge, we make our way over to the river. The water was no less murky at the bottom of the bridge than it was from the top- we couldn't see more than six inches below the surface. David was the first to dive in; he swam around to make sure that the water was deep enough for the stuff of legend. Leaving his shoes, my sunglasses, and our doubts behind, he climbed back to shore and we made our way across the under side of the bridge. In this particular area, there was only a small ledge from one side of the bridge to the other. With our backs pressed against the wall, we inched across the underside of the bridge. I accidentally kick some rubble, and watch as it plummets into the waters below. Now we're standing on a narrow ledge with the river to our right, a cesspool of sewage to our left, and the metal beams of the bridge above us. I jump and grab hold onto the nearest beam, and pull myself up the top. making our way across the metal beams, we come to a narrow catwalk built under the bridge. We follow this catwalk all the way to an overhang. David and I look at each other, and then at the river, thirty feet below us. This is the stuff legends are made of. We drew courage from each others eyes, unspokenly agreeing that the same fate would befall the both of us. Either we would both chicken out and turn back, or we would both go balls out and jump into the river to emerge as legends... or die trying. Live or die, that would be the bond that ties us, like brothers. David lowers himself to a hanging position to scope out the river. A few seconds later, he pulls himself up. David does a few more pull-ups but finally makes up his mind. Leaving all hesitation behind, he jumps in, dissapearing into the river below. I propelled my body to move through the impulse centered on honor; I will not let this brother of mine jump off a bridge alone. Abandoning thought, my heart drove my body to act before my mind could object. I jumped in after him, falling for what felt like an eternity. Time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time as what could have been the last moments of my life passed by in a blur. I plunged into the water, a boy holding onto his honor... and surfaced as a man.


me at the top of the bridge


David didn't time it right so he didn't get a picture of me in mid-air


David hanging from the catwalk


the stuff of legends

After we swam to shore, it seemed we had gathered quite an audiance. A man in a uniform informed me that the cops were on their way. He was a distance away, on the land and slightly around the corner (while me and david were on the ledge that you see against the wall of the bridge. We snuck along the edge of the bridge quietly and crept quietly away from him, then we went around the back and went quietly up the metal stairs. Once we reached the top, we discovered that David had lost my bike key. The two of us ran like the wind for a block or two, then decided to hide inside Whole Foods until the heat died down.

After I went back to the appartment, I found out that it was exactly 28 feet and 5.24 inches from the bottom of the catwalk (David's fingertips in the picture) to the surface of the water. I calculated this by dropping a rock from that height and using the gravitational constent plus the equation of motion: Δx = vt + 1/2at²