Dear Serenity...
I can barely stand to see you like this, in such critical condition after the accident. It breaks my heart to see you all banged up. My trembling hands reach towards your side as you lie there unmoving... unresponding. I don't know if you can hear me; I don't know if it's too late to say these things.
I'm sorry for all the times I didn't pay attention to you whenever I was driving with a cute girl. My friends don't understand you- Sis wanted me to get rid of you. Memories of the times we've spent together flood my mind. I remember all those times we got lost together. I can't count the many times we've sat in the rain together and you waited with me. You were there for me those many times I was hurt and needed a place to pray and reflect. These past few years we've been together, you were always there for me...
They've come to take you away now. I watch sadly while they wheel you away, and I follow behind. We had so many plans together. We were going to drive to Canada and visit Ada. You were dear to me, as I had only ever left you with my most trustworthy guy friends, like Doza or James. Seeing you like this, not knowing if you'll ever get better, is filling me with emotion. It was all my fault! The accident... everything... it's my fault that you're like this. I was careless when I was driving. My heart sinks at the thought of losing you. Even if I don't lose you, I wonder if things can ever be the same again. Serenity, you were... my first love.
In case you guys didn't know, Serenity is my car. Several weeks ago I got in a car accident. Since then my car got impounded. Today I had to go pick up my car and have my car towed to a shop.
Every year at Spring Celebration, AAIV has a celebration ceremony for all of the graduating seniors. Every year as I hear the seniors share their last words of wisdom, I'm always moved. I would sit there and listen, and think about the things I would say when it was my time to graduate. This year, it was finally my time to graduate. Although it was on my mind, I ended up not preparing anything to say ahead of time. Instead, I just shared from my heart about what AAIV has been to me: a community who has shown me love, grace, and forgiveness; a community that showed me the meaning of love; a community that became my family. I'm really thankful that God has given me a family like AAIV to challenge me, grow me, bless me, and most of all, love me dispite my weaknesses. In AAIV, I found friends who would forgive me and take the effort to reconcile with me even though I've caused them a lot of hurt. I found friends who would be there for me when I needed them, even at their own expense or tiredness. I found out what it was like to be cared for and loved.
I had such a good time at Spring Celebration this year. The Servant Team did an amazing skit and Disney musical spoof dedicated to Dan Shiau. Grace has such a lovely voice... Everyone did a wonderful job. The freshman skit was also really well done; it was halerious and they did an amazing job- I can honestly say it was one of the best ones I've ever seen.
I was also thankful for the alumni who came because I invited them. They had encouraged me a lot during my years at AAIV and I was thankful that they came to celebrate with me. Mish gave me flowers and a hug. 
I didn't mention that I had gotten into a car accident today as well. I was at Spring Celebration and realized I had forgotten my camera. I went back to my appartment to get it and rushed all the way. On my way back to spring celebration, I was speeding up to catch the light. I made the light, but suddenly, someone pulled out of the side street parking without looking. I swarved out of the way but was headded straight for oncomming traffic. I cut the wheel again, but I didn't have power steering and it was raining so I didn't have very good control of the car. I managed to drift my car and avoid a head-on collision, but I still ended up slamming into a parked car. I called Dan Shaiu to pick me up, but he didn't pick up his phone, so I called Sis instead. She called back after sending John Huang to pick me up. At first I was kind of sad that she didn't want to be there for me, but when I got back to the celebration I found out she was almost on her way when Helen volunteered John. It meant a lot to me that she came to comfort me and gently touched me.
My car was still in a ditch sticking off to the street. When the ceremony ended and after hanging out at Saint's Alp, Doza, Andrew Tsai, Ron Kim, and Cary agreed to help me push my car. The five of us pushed my car and manually parallel parked it. It was getting kind of cold and dark out, and it was late. I knew a lot of them were used to work and were very tired, but none of them showed even a hint of grumbling. These brothers of mine helped me the moment I needed it, and did so genuinely. Not only did they help me push my car, they also stayed to guide me through what to expect, and what are some of the things I should do next. I was so thankful and moved by their friendship. I gave them all hugs. It was exactly the thing I was talking about at Spring Celebration; how I've found a family who cared about me and would be there for me. Even in the midst of such troublesome circumstances, I am reminded of God's blessings and goodness. 
Stephen sang a country song for us. It was pretty good
The ladies did an amazing job singing At The Beginning
The freshman skit of 300 was halerious! They did such a good job of portraying the seniors' qirks too
dancing at the end of the skit
Next year's servant team! Esther- prayer cordinator; Grace- Large group cordinator; Tracy- area shephard; Stephen- president; Han- administrator
God bless on next year guys!
I really feel God convicting me on the matter of faithfulness. I want to be faithful to God not just when it's easy, but even when my world is shaken. Faithfulness means doing what God put me here to do. For me, it means being the best student I can be. It means loving others; loving the people God has put in my life, but also actively seeking God's heart for all those who are suffering in the broken world by going outside of my comfort zone (and doing homeless ministry or something). Being faithful also means remaining pure in thought; when God reveals to me an area in which someone is lacking or struggling, I am tempted to be judgemental or bitter in my thinking towards them when God's purpose is for me to interceed for them.
On all levels, I'm doing terrible at being faithful. In fact, I've proven myself to be nothing but an unfaithful disgrace. I would feel that it's too late, that I've run out of time, and that I shouldn't even bother, if it were not for my understanding of God's amazing grace. I know that God forgives me for being unfaithful in the past. And although I've been remorseful about it so many times that it's embaressing to count, God still gladly forgives me and gives me a new chance every time. That is the depth of his amazing grace and forgiveness... and that is the good news which gives me boldness to forget my past and attempt to be faithful once again.
I also know that I can not be faithful to God through my own human effort, no matter how hard I try. Amazingly enough though, the very spirit of God lives in me, and it is His presence in my life that will allow me to be faithful- all I have to do is ask for His help. I will remember this so that when he does allow me to be faithful, I will not be able to take pride in myself but only be thankful to God and marvel at how good he is to me.
So how have you been lately?
Yesterday I went to the movies with Andrew, Jin, and Junior, a buddy of ours from intramurals basketball. I had planned for us to watch Push then sneak into Watchmen. I ended up paying for both movies because I felt convicted not to sneak in after I had made the plans with everyone, and I didn't want to change or cancel things. Anyway Watchmen was a pretty good movie, and really thought provoking. I just didn't like all of the unnecessary sex scences, giant blue penis scenes, and adultery that was going on. I felt like there were a lot of religious and political metaphors, and that the movie was a very well-written satire on humanity. I'm going to explain the story and then the anti-God, atheist, and deist themes I interpreted from the movie, so if you haven't seen the movie yet and then don't read ahead until you have because I will spoil the movie for you.
The setting of the movie takes place in an alternate history around President Nixon's time. The world is currently on the brink of World War III and facing eminent annihilation by nuclear war. There are costumed superheroes called Watchmen who are trying to protect the world. The story is narrated by Rorschach, who was one of the original team of Watchmen. Other characters in the story include The Comedian, Adrian, and Dr. Manhattan. The Comedian was another one of the original Watchmen, along with Rorsach. Adrian is allegedly the smartest man in the world, built a multi-billion dollar empire, and was also on the team of Watchmen before the team disbanded and everyone retired. Adrian believes that war is a threat because of limited resources; by finding a way to provide free energy to everyone, he believes that he could make war obsolete. Dr. Manhattan was a physicist who was involved in an accident, and through that accident gained godlike powers, including the ability to rearrange matter. Dr. Manhattan used his incredible power to win World War II for America, and is also the reason why the other countries arn't attacking America. Now for the fun part... the metaphors. I feel like there is so much more depth to things if I watch the movie again (which I'm unwilling to do).
I sensed an undertone of religious debate throughout the whole movie. During one part, The Comedian shoots a pregnate woman (probably pregnate with his child) in the presence of Dr. Manhattan. The Comedian then says something along the lines of, "....yes, yes I did shoot her. And you stood right by and watched it happen. You could have stoped me if you wanted to- turned the bullets to lead, the gun to snowflakes or something. But you didn't. You just stood there and watched. Don't pretend like you care... God help us all."
In this movie, Dr. Manhattan is used to metaphorically represent God. I know he claims not to be in the movie, but the writer still uses him as such. He can be in multiple places at once. He knows the past and the future at once, hinting that he is outside of time. He has divine powers and can rearrange molecules. The question I see posed by this scene is the popular athiest arguement, "If God cares, if God is so powerful and so loving, why is there suffering in the world? Why does he allow bad things to happen?"
There was a scene where Rorschach was in prison. He looks around him and sees the depravity of humanity and remarks, "...but God isn't responsible for how messed up our world is. We are."
This simple statement reflects the doctrine of total depravity; we really, really are that messed up, and it's not God's fault- it's ours. The mess and suffering we see in the world today is a result of sinful human nature.
During the movie, there was a scene when they talked about all the intricate pieces of a watch being assembled to form a functioning watch. One of the characters comment, "...maybe life has no meaning. It's just a series of coincidences that lead to conditions that allow for life to exist, like the pieces of a watch coming together."
This line reflects a popular apologetics (defense of the Christian faith) involving the order of the universe. The conditions for life are so specific that the chances of all these things comming together randomly to allow for life on earth is the same as shaking a jar with all the pieces of a watch until it randomly assembles into a perfectly functioning watch- in other words, impossible.
In another scene when Dr. Manhattan was interviewed, he said "A living body and a deceased body have the same number of molecules; structurally, there is no difference."
If the universe and life did happen completely by chance, then ultimately there is no meaning to life and no sanctity of life. This is point that some Christian apologeticists bring up, and the conclusion that some athiests have come to accept.
Throughout the whole movie, Dr. Manhattan is portrayed as becomming increasingly estranged by this world. It got to the point where he left Earth for Mars because he didn't know whether Earth was worth saving anymore. At the end of the movie he comes back for a bit, but then decides to go away again.
These are strongly deist themes. Deism is the belief that there is a God who created the universe, but he either abandoned his creation or doesn't care much about it. My view of deism is that it is basically an atempt to be athiest and still get around some of the loop holes of athiesm (such as the conditions of life apologetics mentioned earlier).
Rorschach uncovers the true plot at the end of the story. Adrian has been secreatly duplicating Dr. Manhattan's power. With it, he obliterated key cities in the world, wiping out billions of lives. Dr. Manhattan is framed for this incredibly evil act, and the world decides to call off the cold war and unite against the threat of Dr. Manhattan. By doing so, war ended and the world was unified.
I felt like this was the grand conclusion of the religious debate in the movie. This is a metaphor that ultimatly, religion is a scam. The existance of God is improbable and inconsequential; what does matter is that society is governed by religion, because only then can it function harmoneously. The final conclusion of the movie is this- God doesn't exist, and if he does, it doesn't matter. What does matter is for people to believe in the illusion of his existance, because only then will the world be a better place.
Adrian is the emblem of human achievement. He is the smartest man in the world, has strong leadership abilities, and built a multi-billion dollar company on his own after being oprhaned at the age of seventeen. The huge irony is that Adrian, who is ultimatly the villian in the movie, wins. His plan is executed perfectly, Dr. Manhattan is framed, and the world is unified and saved. This is a critique that humans don't need God and can ultimatly manage without him.
Whew. That took a lot longer to write than I wanted. My thoughts and points are a bit fragmented, because I've only seen the movie once and didn't put too much thought into it.
Yesterday, I took my organic chemistry exam. I've been cramming for that exam for two weeks. I didn't get a perfect score though... even though I knew how to do mostly everything, there were a few problems I didn't have time for. 
But, I gave it my best shot, so... whatever.
They surprised me with a pie/cake for my birthday in smallgroup. I was happy that Jin remembered my birthday and that him and Andrew asked to celebrate with me after my exam and smallgroup. In the end, Sis wanted to come with me as well. I don't know how I felt about that. I think normally I would have been ecstatic, but I was just confused because I didn't know if she really wanted to spend time with me, or just wanted to pretend everything was OK and get along on a shallow level.
We didn't know how to celebrate so I drove us around randomly for a little bit, just processing and soaking in the joy of having friends who wanted to spend quality time with me. After a while though, I realized that it was pretty cramped and uncomfortable for everyone to be in my car, so I drove off somewhere downtown to find a place to eat dinner. We ended up going to Maggiano's and they treated me. 
Jin even got me a glass of wine. Afterwards, we walked back to my car and I drove to Union Station to drop Sis off. I guess I'm still a little impulsive... last minute, I decided that I wanted to see her off to the train and jumped out of my car as well, putting Andrew in charge of getting Jin and Serenity (my car) back safely. I'm so glad I have good friends I can trust and depend on... otherwise my impulsiveness would destroy my life. But as it is, it just makes it more crazy, fun, and interesting. 
Before running off to her train, Sis gave me a hug. I kind of froze and had mixed feelings about that too... wondering whether it was just because it was my birthday, or because she wanted me to understand that she cared. After she left I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and thought, aww man... I wasted an opportunity to return a good hug. 
Relationships are so hard... I finally messed up once. I've fallen from grace. And the relationship is over.
I never should have called her; never should have shared my doubts or tried to talk to her. I should have just bore the weight of the entire burden, enduring everything silently, going to God for healing in between.
Things could have been very bad for me these past few days, but I am thankful for the evidence of God's love in my life even through the most painful losses. I'm thankful for Poofy's words, Doza's time, Angie's call, and Andrew's companionship.
After everything that happened Thursday night, I didn't think I would have the strength to go to my internship on Friday to tutor my kindergarten class. In the past when things like this happened, I would just lie there, heartbroken, and completely incapacitated from doing anything. This time, by God's grace, I got myself to school. I was surprised to be blessed from working with my kids. There was one moment that especially moved me. One of the boys was crying, and the teacher was busy with some else on the other end of the room, so she wasn't paying attention to him. There was one sweet little girl, cute as a button, who went and got a tissue and handed it to him, and put her arm on his shoulder compassionately. It melted my heart to see someone so young show such kindness and empathy.
When I got back from the internship, Andrew came over and chilled with me around four. We didn't really do much other than just lie there and talk, but his company kept me from overthinking. Eventually I told him what was burdening me, and we prayed about it. Afterwards, he invited me to his castle house to hang out with his church friends. We played Settlers of Catan, SoulCalibur II, and MTG. Unexpectingly, Angie gave me a call. However, I was still at Andrew's house and wasn't able to give her a call back until Andrew drove me back around 2AM. Angie and I talked for a good while. I was so glad to hear all that God was doing in her life. She could tell something was wrong and out of her stubborn concern for me, which I greatly appreciate, she kept asking me until I told her what was going on. I was so unexpectingly blessed by everything she said in response; it was so insightful and encouraged me to see things more positively. I recieve comfort and feel better when any of my friends care for me, but Angie was the only one who was able to help me dispel the negative thoughts.
I went to bed around 5AM yesterday, and didn't wake up until very late today. I didn't slow down to do my homework even though I should have. I'm afraid that if I slow down, I'll hit a wall, stop, and not get back up. This is really the first time I haven't responded by spirialing downwards imploding in the hurt I've experienced. I don't want to slow down and slip into that. So instead of studying, I ended up doing my devotionals and then going over to Doza's. We hung out for a bit and I journaled, then eventually we talked and prayed.
Things have been up and down for me. Tonight was a down. If I'm understanding them correctly, the pastors at HMCC have been pushing me to do some pretty radical things. In the end, I decided to cut all of my female friendships... except two (Poofy and someone else). By cutting, I don't mean ignoring or avoiding. Maybe it's worse, but it's more like, I cut them from my heart in that I give up hope or desire for us to be close friends. Though I feel like it's true that it would be temporarily benificial for me, I don't fully believe that this is the right way or the best way; I actually think it would be an easier cop-out than truly loving someone. So that's why I kept one of my friendships- that and because I had made a promise to myself and commitment to God to love her. It's just, sometimes it's really REALLY hard to not look for anything from someone and still pour out all your heart and love to them. But that is my goal, and that is the whole purpose I kept the relationship; not to fill my desire for closeness, but to expend all that I have and utterly spend myself as well for the sake of another. Sometimes, like tonight, there are all these negative voices; feelings of rejection, feelings of unadequacy, feeling lost and not knowing what the best thing to do, discouraging thoughts, and just wondering if I should give up. 
So yesterday night, Jin decides to hang out last minute. Jin, Andrew, and I got together for a good time of bonding and hanging out. Andrew came over around 8PM, and we decided to head downtown for dessert at Grand Lux Cafe.
It only occurred to me after we arrived how super packed the city would be, including Grand Lux Cafe, due to Valentine's Day. I guess I've never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day, or even noticed it. I think I would be a lot more emo if I had just broken up with someone, or if I like-liked someone that was in a relationship, or some other sort of stupid drama... but since I've been single most of my life and have never had to worry about Valentine's Day, I've always just treated it like another normal day and never really noticed it. I didn't even realize how emo and insecure some people get around this time. So anyways, we get there and the place is packed with an hour and a half wait, so I just put down my name for us and off we go to wander off into the city and do something else entertaining.
Andrew's magnificent lips
at the Grand Lux stairs
We decided to go to ESPN Zone while we waited. Jin would get us a game card, Andrew would get the drinks, and I offered to pay for the food.
We had a basketball competition... I did terrible because my arms were still sore from lifting Wednesday night.
Stacks on high, Patron on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Jin and Andrew with their drinks
Cheers! To friendship 
stupid Jin put his finger on the flash when taking the picture... lol
Jin and Andrew chugging it
dang, Andrew's a fish... lol just kidding
Hahaa... A picture of Jin in the restroom. It was very funny at the time, after the drink. And the guy next to him is just kind of leaning against the wall like that. He was there like that for a while...
Finally, we got back to the Grand Lux Cafe. They gave us a buzzer, we waited a while, then they seated us. We got a really sweet seat right next to all the waiters and with a sweet view of the window.
We kept asking for refills on the bread. It was so soft and warm and fresh... we just loaded up on bread
Jin is wastefull and didn't eat the crust... and how he's trying to hide the evidence
Salt and light baby 
we got a sweet view of the streets from where we were sitting
After Grand Lux Cafe, we walked around downtown hoping to watch Slumdog Millionaire. Unfortunatly, it was almost 12AM and we had already missed the last showing of everything.
On the way home, me and Andrew noticed an ad for orange juice at the CTA train station. I turn to him and go,
"You know... I'm kind of thirsty. I really could use some orange juice right now."
"Yeah... you know what, me too. I'd like some orange juice too."
Then he looks at me and realizes, "Nooo!! We're succumbing to the effects of the ad!!"
But yeah... After we got back to UIC and hopped on Andrew's van, I gave in and baught some orange juice. We stopped by the Wallgreens on Halsted to rent Burn After Reading so that we could watch a DVD together, but for some odd reason they didn't have it anymore. Next we checked the blockbuster on Madison, but unfortunately, they were closed. It was already around 1AM at that time. We decided to check one last time at the redbox at the Jewel on West Campus. When we got there, they were already closed. I waved over one of the workes and asked him to let us in, but he wouldn't. I was just sad because normally I have a way with people, but my charm and charisma didn't seem to work this time.
So we ended up just going back to the appartment and watching The Ring Two together on my laptop, in my room. Andrew was being a pansy and closing his eyes during all the scary parts... hahaa. Andrew went home near the end of the movie, which we didn't finish until around 4AM. Me and Jin were so dead tired that he just crashed in my room.
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