I stayed up until 3AM last night playing StarWars Risk with Jin and our neighbor Mike. There's something built into men that gives us the desire to conqure, I guess. Conquering the galexy came at a high cost though, because today I woke up late for my chinese class. After class, I took a long (too long) of a nap. After I woke up and finished my quiet times, I went to Doza's to have lunch with him. I'm glad I got to spend some time with Doza. He's one of my dearest friends.  After we finished lunch, I took him to me to run a few errands (buying shoelaces, returning a bag of marbles, and mailing a broken NorthFace backpack). The errands took a lot longer to run than I had expected and I was running late for Outreach Team meeting, so I had Doza drive my car and drop me off at the art gallery. There arn't many people I'd entrust with Serenity, but he's one of them. So anyway, after the meeting, I went back to my appartment to relax for an hour, then walked back to campus to meet up with Sis and Elizabeth to prepare a Bible study for our smallgroup. I had a really good time going over the passage. I feel like I just don't get as much out of it, and I can't draw as many applications or make as many critical observations when I do things on my own for some reason. We finished preparing around 7:40 PM. I was asked by a guy in my Chinese class to play for his intermerrals basketball team that night at around that time but I declined, even though I love basketball. Instead, Sis and I went to Chi Cafe so that I could get her some "juk" because she wasn't feeling well. We hung out for a bit longer before I dropped her off at the train station. At first, I was happy to be able to hang out with her for an hour. But in the end, that hour seemed to pass by so quick. The last few minutes before dropping her off, as always, felt like a bittersweet countdown.

Anyways, that about it for my day. I think that's why I don't blog much anymore; life is generally so boring, and when it's "interesting", I don't have time to write about it. Maybe it's also because I started journaling more in a notebook, so I haven't been writing as much on here.

On a completely unrelated note, I cleaned and rearranged the table in my living room so that it is now much more asthetically pleasing to me.

mein1derland (11:49:34 PM): *leaves*
mein1derland (11:49:40 PM): *burrows in a hole*
RanCor161314 (11:49:45 PM): you'll come back to me. i know you will
RanCor161314 (11:49:47 PM): *waits*
RanCor161314 (11:49:49 PM): = D
RanCor161314 (11:50:20 PM): my love for you is like a Florine's electronegativity for a Hydrogen atom!

Each day passes by, and a growing feeling of wastefulness builds inside me for not writing a Xanga entry. Maybe I shouldn’t have paid Xanga premium…
Quick snapshots of what I’ve been up to since Christmas:

New Year’s Eve
My friend Kevin’s friend, Nick, was invited to a new year’s party. I was hanging out with Kevin and he decided to invite us along to the party. It was the first “party” party I’ve ever been to, with a DJ, dancing, a hookah room, and lots of alcohol. I felt really uncomfortable and out of place in a setting like that. Since I didn’t know anyone there, it would have been most comfortable for me to stand quietly in a corner and wait for my friends to finish having fun. Instead, I decided I want to learn to be versatile and adaptable to all situations, so I challenged myself to talk to people. Anyway, there was this one point in the night when this big girl in a bright red dress comes over to me and my friend. She goes, “Heyyy!” and gives us the look. You know, that look where you kind of have an idea what they’re thinking, but you really don’t wanna know, because it just gives you the creeps… that kind of look. I thought, uh oh… this is bad news… She gives us the up-down and goes, “Soo… have you boys gotten your new years kisses yet?” I look at Kevin with this panicked look on my face, but before we could respond, she grabs him, pulls him in, and kisses him. I thought, oh my gosh!! I’m next!! I freak out, pat Kevin on the back, and say “See ya later!” and walk of as fast as I could without running. Later that night Kevin gave me a lecture about how, as wing men, we have to look out for each other and protect each other, and that next time I should have done something to save him. I guess I wouldn’t be too pleased if I were him either…

January 2: F4 Reunion at Sushi Para
Me, Chuck, Mike, and Matt met up for lunch at Sushi Para. We used to eat lunch together after church all the time when we were in Jr. High and elementary school, but since our lives have gone different directions, it’s been a while since we were all together. Old habits die hard, and the egged me on to eat more sushi than I could stomach. I ended up eating 44 pieces of sushi because those smucks wouldn’t help me out with a single piece.

January 3: Smallgroup Hangout at Todai’s
Kevin, my white brotha from anatha motha, was there too. I also brought my sister, and Tim Jiang’s sister while Jin and Sarah brought there sisters. Sis brought Helen. It felt like I’ve been eating lots and lots of buffets lately… but it was still very tasty and enjoyable. After we ate, some of us went home while some of us stuck around and walked around Woodfield together.

January 6-11: OIL
OIL met my expectations. And my expectations were high.
There is a saying that goes, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime." My hope for OIL was not just to be given a fish, but to learn to fish as well. In other words, I wasn't just hoping for amazing worship, passionate prayers, and a glimpse of God's love. Although I know all those things will come anyways, what I really wanted was to learn how to pray, how to seek God, how to live a life of character, and how to recieve revival on a regular basis. At OIL, I learned some things I must do to have an authentic relationship with God:
1) Pray with faith. Remember ACTS: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplemention
2) Journal and reflect. Take time to soak in messages and events. Reflection offers an opportunity to evaluate the day, do a heart-check, and hear from God. Without such regular check-ups, its easy to drift from God without noticing.
3) Sharing and accountability. Its great to have someone who cares pray for you and keep you accountable.

…as an added bonus, I met a bunch of awesome people, like Ellie, Lawrence, and Angela.

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope everyone had a fun and blessed Christmas this year. For me, this has been one of the best Christmas that I remember.

Christmas Eve

I woke up at a comfortable time in the afternoon and had dinner with the family. When I was growing up and my parents still owned a restaurant, I ate lunch regularly with Mom, Dad, Stella, and my aunt. When I got older, times when the whole family ate together became a lot more scarce. After eating and cleaning up, I set out to visit friends and drop off cards and presents. I was near Sis but she didn't pick up so I stopped by Sarah's first, and got to meet her whole family. I stayed there the longest, chilling with her siblings, calling people up, planning and playing by ear when to visit whom. Around 6PM I made it to Grace's place from Sarah's (after getting lost). I was happy to see her and be able to meet her parents and sister briefly. I happened to come right when CASC people came to Christmas carol, and they insisted that I stayed to listen. I'm glad I did, because they sounded great. It was my first time hearing Christmas carolers! With some help from Grace (who is like a Naperville GPS... Grace positioning system...?) I managed to make it to Sherry in downer's grove without getting too lost. She was at her cousin's so we only got to see each other briefly, but it was a blessing nonetheless. The way to Poofy's house from Sherry's was not too complicated, and with her guidance on the phone, I was able to get there with only getting lost a little bit. I had often wondered what Poofy's house looked like when I heard her tell me about her home and family, but it wasn't until then that I got to see it. She was home alone though, so I didn't get to meet her parents. Instead, I got to meet Lucky, her new puppy. Poofy played the piano just for me.  It was so beautiful and she was so good that it shocked and impressed me. I didn't even know she could play, and if she had mentioned it, I'd forgotten about it because she was always so modest about it. I was really surprised at how good she was. I played and sang for her the only piece I know, the one song I've been practicing over and over again since I discovered it recently- Lover's Concerto. It was the first time I played and sang for someone. I wanted to take a picture with Poofy because she had a cute new haircut and was dressed really pretty, but she refused and offered to teach me something on the piano instead, which I happily accepted. Poofy was a very gentle and patient teacher (which surprised me again... because she can be pretty blunt and harsh sometimes). When I had practiced enough that I felt I wouldn't forget everything, she MapQuested and wrote down directions for me to get to the Jiang's, where my mom and sister currently were at. At this point, I had a dilemma. I had been driving on an empty gas tank all day, and the fuel light had lit up just before arriving at Poofy's. I could gas up then, but it would make me even later to the party, and I would probably get lost trying to look for a gas station. I thought it would be rude to show up any later, and on top of that, I hadn't since I woke up and was pretty hungry by then. I decided that a real man would put it all on the line so I started driving off to Barrington, all the while hoping and praying that I wouldn't run out of gas. I ended up getting lost and having to call Tim, but I made it there without running out of gas. It was Tim's family, my mom and sister, Jeff Chu's family, and Lilly. When I entered, Lilly waved at me and motioned for me to come over but I didn't notice and went into the kitchen to eat instead. Even when she came to the kitchen and started talking with the adults there, I still didn't recognize her. It wasn't until she came up to me and confronted me that it clicked. It was because she looked so different, and seemed so much better. Not even just her face and everything, but I could sense that her heart was much more spirited. The last time I saw her, she was really jaded and worn out, but I guess she changed. Anyway, I had a lot of fun at the party hanging out with Tim and Jeff, playing on the piano, and being dragged to Karaoke with Lilly. After the party I found out just how close to running out of gas I really was. By the time I pulled out of the driveway, everyone had left, and it was about 2:30AM. I had just turned out of their subdivision and gone no more than half a mile (in the wrong direction, I later found out) when my car ran out of gas. I never had any hope of making it to a gas station from Tim's house, even if I had known. So there I was, lost, alone, stuck in the dark, cold night with no gas, no heat, and... no coat. I called my mom, who was like "What?! Well, I have to drive someone home! Why are you so much trouble?!" and hung up. Then I called Tim, who said he had no idea where I was but offered to let me walk back to his house. Finally, I called Lilly, who's amazing sense of direction found me even though I didn't quite know where I was myself. We left Serenity (my car) on the side of the road where it died and went back to Tim's place, all the while making jokes about me being rescued by a girl. We borrowed Tim's gas bucket, went to the gas station where Lilly filled it up for me, then drove back to my car where we 1/2 filled the car and 1/2 filled the floor with gas. After leading me back to the gas station to fill up, me and Lilly went to Dunkin' Donuts. It was around 4:30AM when we got to Dunkin' Donuts, where we ran into Mako and three of her friends. Lilly made me buy her ice cream and a donut, then we chilled and talked for a bit before going home. I didn't get to bed until almost 6AM.

Christmas Day
My mom woke me up at 11:30 AM. We were supposed to meet the Jiang family and the Chu family at Drury Lane, a banquet place in Oakbrook. We didn't get there until after 12:30 PM because my dad missed an exit and we had to turn back. (I think I'm beginning to understand why I have a bad sense of direction...) Anyway, I ate so much and stuffed myself to a ball; and then I went back for some more. Jeff was like, "Dang man, you can really put it away!" We went home around 4PM, where I relaxed and digested for a bit. Around 6PM my parents left to go to a casino and a concert. Shortly afterwards, Tia came over. Of everyone I visited, she was the only person who was willing to come to me. I gave her a card and present and we hung out for a bit, watching a movie. We didn't get too far in the movie when Tim and Christine came over. My sister, Christine, Tim, me, and Tia decided to go watch Marley and Me at Streets of Woodfield. Sad movie... We went back to my house for a bit before everyone left.

Today was the best day of my life.

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she night light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."
       -The words of Christ

In high school, I had a best friend named Matt. Matt and I would hang out all the time, do everything together, and talk about everything from video games to girls to life. One day near the end of high school, because of family complications, Matt suddenly had to leave the country and moved to Mexico. For a while, we played online games together and kept in touch. But one day, we got into a fight and stopped talking for a while. During my freshman year in college, I heard back from him a few times. It seemed that life was taking us into different directions: college, Christian fellowships, and social adaptation for me; parties, girls, and smoking it up for Matt. Time passes some more, and eventually I lost track of Matt. I had no idea where he lived, and none of his old phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or AIM screen names worked anymore. I guess many times in life, friends drift away.
But I never forget those friendships, or those who are dear to me, just like I never forgot Matt. I still thought about him from time to time, call him every year on his birthday (even though I knew the number wouldn't work) and kept his screen name at the top of my AIM list (even though I knew he didn't use it anymore). Perhaps the only thing that I do which is of any value though, whenever I thought of him, I would also pray for him, ask for God's blessing upon his life, and pray that he would experience the fullness of God's love.

Three years have passed. Today, I received a short facebook message from Matt. In the span of two run-on sentences, he shared that he's saved now, that I had a lot to do with it, thanked me, and asked me how I've been.
+ +

Thank you, God, for hearing my prayers!

I had so much planned for today. I was going to help Doza buy a few shirts, then drive into the city and meet up with Joanna, then go in for a job interview at Doza's work in the city, then go to the AAIV Christmas party. But it just was one of those days where all the plans went wrong. I stayed up all night talking with a friend on AIM until 7AM. Instead of waking up at 11AM as planned, managed to oversleep 3 calls, 6 text messages, and my phone alarm. I woke up around 3PM with the worst feeling in the world, knowing I'd accidentally left Joanna and Doza waiting for me in the city without any explanation. This is the worst feeling in the world...

I got raped by that chem final today.  After the exam, I went back to my room and took a looong nap. I woke up around 1PM and went to work out for the first time in a week, then came back and took a nice looong shower. I met up with Sis at the library so she could help me study Chinese. It was then- not after the nap, not after the shower, but then- that I felt my batteries fully recharge.  Sis patiently helped me with Chinese by speaking to me, typing MSNing me in Chinese, going over a worksheet with me, and even creating a worksheet for me to do.

So encouraging, helpful and patient! That's model teacher status right there.

I had forgotten to eat, and was starving by 7:30 or so. I drove us to drop off Haley's care package for her at ISAC, then we went to Lao Sez Chuan in Chinatown for dinner.

Today... was a good day.

These days I fall asleep tossing and turnning with two thoughts simutaneously running through my head: chem final tomorrow, and Honor's Ball 2009.

Today me and Jin were invited to our neighbors’ Thanksgiving party. It started out with hot pot stuff, which we helped them prepare.

As the night progressed and everyone was full, they started playing various drinking games.

It was my first experience at a “party” party. I just watched the chaos and excitement around me, but didn’t participate. To be honest, I wasn’t having a lot of fun. Yet, part of me wanted to join. It was a little bit enticing, the fun and excitement. But most tempting of all was the promise that this offered the quickest and surest route to escape from myself. Anything would be better than the thoughts that have been plaguing me for the past couple of days…
Even so, the temptation only lasted a fleeting moment. Wearily, I said my cordial goodbye’s and decided to go back to my apartment to pray. I felt darkness envelop me as I walked away, determined to face my inner demons with nothing more than the feeble faith I had left.

The church is the body of Christ, isn’t it? Everyone has a role. Everyone works together, suffers together, and rejoices together. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? Everywhere I go, it’s the same… and HMCC is no different. If the church is the body, then I have always been treated like a virus. Everything about the body rejects me, because I am labeled as detrimental to the body. Perhaps I am a descendent of Cain. Marked. Cursed. Destined to wander, always rejected, never to belong.

Why did I allow my heart to hope? I was giving thanks for new friends, because I thought that was what they were… I never suspected that behind the smiles, friendly welcomes, joking, and hanging out, that they were growing weary of me and uncomfortable of my presence. Bitter disillusionment has brought me back to the inescapable reality of my identity as the virus in a healthy body. The sting of rejection and the familiar pain that has accompanied me my entire life sinks back in.

This God whom I’ve learned so much about but barely know… he is The One; he has the answers. I can only hope that he will have compassion on me and reach out to me again before I backslide into the cesspool where he first found me.

All is not well.