Today I went to New Community Covenant Church with Annie and Winnie... or, we attempted to. Winnie woke me up at 8:45 AM (plenty early) and as I got ready, Annie made breakfast for us. We left by 9:15 AM or so, but the stupid blue line was under construction and we ended up having to take the shuttle bus for a major portion of the trip which delayed us. Annie was giving me a massage on the train and it was so comfortable that I completely spaced out, missing our stop and not realizing it until we were two stops away. So we all had to doubble back, and when we finally got off on the right stop, I had no idea how to get to the church from the train stop... We wandered around until the girls insisted on asking for directions, after which we turned around and started heading towards the church. By the time we finally got there, we were an hour late. Luckily, Paster Peter always goes over, and we were able to get a pretty good chunk of the message and be blessed anyway.  After church, we went to a nearby farmer's market to look around. We went back to the girls' appartment (my old appartment) so they could change (apparently heels are uncomfortable for girls) and we loafed around for a bit before heading over to Joy Yee's for lunch. Afterwards, came back with me to my appartment and kept me company while I attempted to study for the rest of the night. All in all, a good day.

Recently, I've been rediscovering some episodes of Smallville that I had saved on my hard drive. This show, which started in my Sophmore year of high school, ran through most of my high school and college years. As the characters in the story developed, so did I. Watching these old episodes now that I'm older and more insightful, I feel like I can draw much more meaning from the show.

Lois- "Look, give her some space, Clark. Your whole night stalker routine, that's going to ruin any of the good feelings Lana has for you."
Clark- "If there are any."
Lois- "Look... sometimes, you gotta tuck your feelings away until it's the right time. Like... stuffing dollars into a piggie bank for a bike you can't quite afford."
Clark- "Except... I can't quite imagine there is anyone else out there."
Lois- "Ah, well, you never know, Clark. Maybe when you finally crack open that piggie bank, you'll find that all this time you haven't been saving for a bike; you've really been saving for a Harley."
Clark- "You know, there are times when I don't think you know me at all. And then there are times when I think you know me better then anyone."
Lois- "Well, that's what I'm here for Smallville- one save at a time."

This scene occured after Clark broke up with Lana, his high school sweetheart. Lois Lane, who we all know will one day become Superman's wife, is just friends with him now and tries to comfort him. I can definitely appreciate and relate to Clark's struggle to let go of someone he really cares about as well as his struggle not to be negative. As Lana moves on, Clark is having a hard time believing that Lana can still have any positive feelings for him. He is beginning to lose hope that things would ever work out the way he wants them to. Clark Kent, who would be known to the world as the invincable Superman, shows his vulnerable side to Lois. Lois encourages him with an iroinc piece of wisdom, helping him to have faith that things will work out even though he can't see how right now. Clark can't see past his heartbreak or imagine anyone else but Lana, even though we know that Lois is really the one for him. Not only that, although he may be consumed with his feelings for Lana or overwhealmed by heartbrokeness, we know that his destiny is much greater then just the close relationships in his life. We know that Clark Kent must overcome these trials to become Superman, who will take on the forces of evil to fight for truth and justice and save the world.
In life, we don't always have an omniscient view on things like in shows. Trials may come and trials may test me, and many times, it's hard for me to let go or see beyond my present desires. In these times, I need to have faith and remember what I truly believe. The things burdaning my heart will work out for the better in the end. I have a greater purpose that I need to stop running away from just because I'm too hung up on who I've lost. I have been redeemed for the purpose of restoring this world, and it's time to embrace my destiny and discover how my unique talents and passions contribute to that cause.

I think I'm finally beginning to find peace.

I'm changing... hopefully for the wiser.

Is there a way to learn from experience but not carry the scars? Maybe by the grace of God.

Yesterday I watched Up with Poofy and Sophia. It was great to see them again.  Poofy even drove everyone all the way to Schaumburg so we could watch it together.

5:00 AM
Pain and suffering are my muses. I am most creative in my expression of anguish. Lately, I’ve had nothing but inspiration.

Tonight, like most nights, I lose sleep thinking of you
I curse my heart for the misery I feel
But it doesn’t stop the pain
If I had a magic eraser that could erase anything
I would erase from my mind those daydreams turned nightmares
Those memories of you that turned from a gift into a curse
But I can not erase from my mind what you said
How you told me that we will never be close
With those words you erased hope from my future
And I am left with bittersweet memories of you,
Etched on my shattered heart forever

If I could forget everything about us
Then perhaps I can look at you with a blank look on my face
But now that I have seen your tenderness and compassion
I will never look at you the same again
Because to me you are beautiful
Perhaps being banished from paradise is destiny
Just like an angel that fell from heaven
I have fallen out of grace with you
The lone wolf longs to reach the beautiful moon
He sees the moon’s reflections upon the sea
But he will drown in his attempt to be with her
So too, have you decided that I can never be with yu

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
       for you saw my affliction
       and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to the enemy
       but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
       my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
       my soul and my body with grief.

My life is consumed by anguish
       and my years by groaning;
       my strength fails because of my affliction,
       and my bones grow weak.

                   ~Psalm 31:7-10

I test drove my first car today. It was a Hyundai Genesis, stickshift.

Hearing you say you were happier without me
I think I died a little inside
But I could have died with a smile
Just knowing my sacrifice was not all for nothing
It's ok that I suffer for your peace
As long as you don't know...

I've been spending much more time in prayer lately. This is not because I'm so holy or anything; on the contrary, it's because of my total depravity and utter dependence on God. I've actually been learning a lot through praying. I suppose it might seem childish or obvious to a lot of people, but one of the things that I have learned is that strong feelings for someone does not necessarily equate to love. Delighting in someone's company, wanting them to delight in you just as much as you do them, and wanting to encourage someone could sometimes be an overflow of loving someone. However, the source does not necessarily have to be love but could also be selfishness, attachment, or emotional dependency. I think to love someone you have to go beyond just feeling strongly for them or caring deeply about them. I believe that one aspect of love is an unrelenting commitment to put the interest of the other person above yourself- whatever the sacrifice. Even if the other person doesn't appreciate it or doesn't even know; even if it costs you greatly and hurts you more than anyone could ever understand; to love someone is to unyieldingly give for the goodness of someone. To be honest, I'm not sure I am ready to make such a strong commitment to someone- the commitment of love. I have so many doubts. What if this person doesn't want my love? What if they just keep hurting me in return? What if everything I do for their good has no effect, and I'm just wasting my efforts? But the thing is, I know that this is exactly the kind of love that God showed me. A lot of times I have cheapened his love, trampled on it, spat on it, and wasted it. But I know that he continues to love me unconditionally. Because of that, even though I can't give of myself to unconditionally love a person, I want to strive for such love towards God, who loved me first. Therefore, while I will still try to love others, they are no longer the object of my love. God is the object of my love, and the source of my love. They are just the receivers of my love, the beneficiaries. I think I'm beginning to understand what C.S. Lewis meant when he said, "When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards that state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased."

As in the past, the more I pray, the more God speaks to me. When God speaks to me, He has a tendency of telling me something that I don't want to hear. (I am sinful, stubborn, and disobedient after all). I feel like with one relationship in particular, He is showing me that the most loving thing to do would be to let go. In many ways, letting go is not the most glorious thing to do. It doesn't scream of valor. It doesn't sound especially noble. In fact, in my particular situation anyways, it requires extreme humility (which is always difficult because I am extremely prideful). Letting go of someone means to admit that I've made a mess of things; I tried to love her, but I only hurt her. I exhausted myself in attempts to encourage her, but only emptied her in the end. It means admitting that the higher I aim, the harder I try, and the harder I fall. I means admitting that I am not very loving at all, and I can not do it on my own. (It's even harder for me to let go because I have a tendency to be overly negative and add to the list: "I'm not good enough," "she won't accept me," "I fail at life...") Letting go means giving up control and trusting in God to take care of things. Letting go means having the faith to know that things will be OK. Letting go means respecting the other person's needs and comfort above your own interests and desires. Letting go and being human at the same time means to expect many painful, sleepless nights and many hours missing someone, only to allow those thoughts and feelings to drive you deeper into prayer. Letting go isn't flashy and doesn't earn you respect (like worship leading or something cool like that) but it's very hard to do. So hard, in fact, that I'm writing this now in case I ever forget and wonder Why am I doing this again? Then I'll look back and remember- I'm letting go because I want to trust God, love him first, and quietly, truly love someone for God.

I'm finally all caught up with the Naruto manga. That means no more manga to read to escape reality, but that's ok. I think I'm done escaping.
Now that I think about it, Naruto is a pretty old manga series. I started reading it back in my senior year of high school. Back then I was such a misfit. So much has changed since then. And in the manga too, so much has changed as the characters developed.

(issue 426)

Freaking Naruto... this part almost made me cry. When I was first started reading Naruto in high school, the story begins with the protagonist as someone who is mischievous, unaccepted by society, rejected and alone. Having been an outcast myself, I know something of rejection and loneliness. As the years progressed (both in the story and in real time) the story focuses on Naruto's adventures, his triumphs, his failures, and his dreams. This is the first time the story has brought the focus back on the villagers perspective. Over time, they began to hear of all the things Naruto did. The villagers started to show concern for Naruto and eventually it was apparent that everyone cared about him. In the end, the villagers all protected him. They began to see his strength- not just being a strong ninja, but Naruto's true strength- his indomitable spirit and strength of his dreams.
For me, it's been five years since I started reading Naruto. In that time, I've gone from never really belonging anywhere to finding a community in AAIV. Even going through crushing times, as I have been recently, I can no longer ignore that I have a lot of friends who care about me and who support me in prayer. Although sometimes I feel like I'm still struggling with the same things as I was five years ago, some of these friends have affirmed the change that God has done in me. Because of that, I am reminded again of my own dreams and vision. I find the encouragement I need to press on and not give up.

I'm being reminded of so many invaluable lessons even through reading Naruto. It's as if even though I'm trying to escape, God won't let me go.

(issue 403)

Through Naruto's unrelenting commitment to what he says, I am reminded of the power of a person's words, and that promises should be kept; to say what you mean, and mean what you say.

(issue 439)

This story does not minimalize pain or trials, but very straightforwardly presents the reality of pain and the temptation associated with being hurt. Sometimes it does seem easier to give our hearts over to darkness...

(issue 379)

There are so many responses to being hurt that will just lead to more destruction, even if it's just self-destruction.

(issue 373)

But whenever we suffer, we must remember how much He suffered on our behalf... and that compassion we received, combined with the suffering we experience, allows us to understand others who are hurting and extend compassion to them. (2 Corinthians 1:3-7)

(issue 448)

What makes the character Naruto so unique is the strength of his dreams. Naruto has a vision that he believes in so strongly that he draws other people in. Even his enemies come to respect him and even support him and believe in him.
When reading this story, I am reminded of the kind of person I want to be. I am reminded that if you have a vision, you have to have faith to back it up. I had always aimed for the stars. I have always been idealistic. But I want to grow into a person who does more than just daydream but gives up when I'm hurt. I want to pursues my vision so passionately that others would be drawn in, inspired, and encouraged. I want to endure with such persistence that my perseverance would be a testimony of God's faithfulness.

My name is... 颖恒 (Ying Heng; Perseverance)