I was going to go home after meeting with Poofy yesterday, but Jin forgot his keys. Our neighbors next doors were throwing a party, and I decided to stay just for Jin (so he wouldn't be locked out) and so we could go to the party together and at least be on friendly terms with our neighbors. So anyways there was some miscommunication with Jin and I ended up just waiting at the appartment for an hour for him to show up while he played with Amanda, Cathrine, and Henry. Later they all came by and we were gonna stop by our neighbors' but no matter how many times we rung the bell, they wouldn't answer. We loafed around for a bit then Amanda hyped us up about something about all-you-can-eat-sushi for $2 at Kohan. When we finally walked all the way there, we discovered that it was $2 shots, not sushi (and all of them were under age). So we walked to Catherine's highschool friend's place at JST to hang out there. A while later, Catherine went with her boyfriend because she locked herself out. Jin wanted to go check out the club at Kohan, but I persuaded the group against it and we decided to go walk around on Michigan Avenue instead. We ended up inviting and meeting up with Rachel before heading out. Amanda decided to walk, so we spent the rest of the time walking to Michigan Avenue, and then the lake.



Henry, Jin, Amanda, and myself


we were going to use a photo illusion to make it seem like they were carrying us


but it just looked like they were on roller coasters   -_-'


so Jin gets the bright idea of laying down in the middle of the highway...


...we pissed off many a drivers


flirtacious






tough guys


that's how we do




we were able to get a ride back


we didn't have room so Henry had to go in the trunk


we were all having a mean case of the midnight munchies so we went to Philly's Best


When we got back, we were going to watch dramas... but everyone else fell asleep. We tried to move the girls to my room so the 3 guys can share Jin's futon, but Princess (Amanda) wouldn't move so I persuaded the guys to all cram into my little room while Amanda and Rachel took the big futon and Jin's bigger room. Jin and Henry shared my twin bed while I bearly had any floor to sleep on myself.


So in the morning, Amanda woke up first and started taking pictures of our place while we were all still asleep


that's like stalking someone while they're most vulnerable


my poor iPod... Melody has a crack now because I fell last night


Amanda took this picture of Rachel sleeping














So in the morning when Henry woke up I rolled from the floor to 1/2 on my bed and 1/2 on top of Jin. I guess he eventually rolled off, because somehow for the last 1/2 hour of sleep, I got to enjoy my own bed while he went on the floor








I don't know what those pervy girls were doing to Henry while he was asleep... lol

Outline of the past few days:

Saturday:

Sunday:

Monday:

But, I don't really want to talk about any of that right now. Instead, I think I'll write another entry, private or maybe protected.

It's time to face the inner man...

Never before have I so fully understood an experienced what Paul was talking about in this passage...

So I started reading old Xanga entries again, and as usual, I started to think, unbelievable... I was such an idiot. This is embaressing. I'm embaressed at who I was- so emo, silly, stupid, and sappy. Maybe years from now, I'll read entries around now, and I'll think the same thing. Maybe I'm still sappy and stupid, and an embaressment to future-me. I glanced at my most recent entries and noticed a huge similarity between my old entries and the new ones; dispite how different I am now, I still tend to focus and write about people and relationships a lot, although to a lesser degree. I also still attribute a lot of things to God, or otherwise write about God a lot. Oh jeez... maybe I haven't grown.  -_-'

These past few days I've been working out with one of my few friends from high school, Gabe. It's great to catch up with an old friend and work out together. I haven't been this sore in ages... It hurts to sit down. It hurts to stand; but at least I can stand now, I couldn't even stand at first after the workout yesterday. But dispite all the soreness, there's a deep sense of satisfaction that I'm growing and accomplishing something, at least physically. And this sense of accomplishment and motivation spills over to other areas of my life as well, so that I'm more inspired to study and be disciplined with quiet times.
I wanna move forward. I don't wanna just be a wastefull human being, just sitting there watching hours of Bleach late into the night and not waking up until past noon. I want to make the best of the time I have, to be all that I can be physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and in love.

Accountability. I realized that accountability has been the one thing that's been too lacking lately. It's very sad, but without accountability I backslide in all areas of life. Things aren't too bad or different at first. I become more relaxed and carefree. But then I become more and more nonproductive, indulgent, and even negligent. In the end, I just look back and think, wow, I really let myself go. Without the constant pressure of class and grades, it's hard for me to study and stay focused. Even physically, I probably wouldn't be doing much if it weren't for Martin keeping me accountible. I hate to admit it, but his constant badgering me and kicking my butt into gear is probably one of the major things pushing me to stay on top of things physically. What scares me the most is that the effect of the lack of accountability affects my spiritual life as well. When summer started, I was pretty determined to go off on my own and find God while walking a lonely path. I was determined to let people stay distant so that I can force myself to establish a real relationship with God that does not waver even when everyone else is out of the picture. I wanted to be burning with passion not only when I'm fellowshiping with others or worshiping in a group but by myself too. But... I've only discovered that on my own, I am very very weak. And my resolve is very very weak as well. I was trying to think of someone whom I could ask to keep me accountible. I immediatly considered two people, but when I really thought about it, there wasn't anyone I feel like I could ask. And that is a terrible, lonely feeling.
But I prayed... even if I am alone in the world, and even if I am so weak and faithless that I let go of God, I know that in Christ, his love and faithfulness endures forever. My ultimate hope then, rests in Christ, through whom God will never forsake me.

Yesterday, me and Jin invited Doza over to our place for a booty party. ("Booty jigge" is a Korean-style hot-pot meat stew type dish). Doza also brought over all his alcohol so that me and Jin could try the different types and learn about alcohol.

Doza: "Ok, so this one's more expensive, so slosh it around a bit in your mouth. It actually tastes like the barrel that it was made in!"
I start "sloshing" as he said, but it just tasted like a kitchen cabinet to me.
Doza: "....It's not mouthwash man."

Me: "Jin, you're drunk."
Jin: "What?! I'm not drunk! You're drunk!"
Me: "...There's only one way to settle this... Dance off!!!"
Doza: "Declaring a dance off is a sure sign of drunkenness!"

Well anyway, it all kinda tasted the same to me. Me and Jin agreed that the burning choking sensation overpowered what little individual differences the whiskey had. To make things more interesting, we later decided to play a drinking game with cards, which somehow lead to dancing and other unprintable punishments.
Learning about whiskey... fun times.

It's late. But these are nice, fun, halcyon days. Post summer school and before school, filled with basketball, working out, and mostly, indulging in Bleach. I've been watching so much Bleach that I've become emotionally attached to the characters... that's probably a bad sign. So anyway, why am I up late tonight? It started with me looking at someone's oldest Xanga entries. I do that sometimes... I hope people don't find it wierd. Anyways later I decided to be more productive and to go back and mak a bunch of protected entries public. It's been my things-to-do-list for a while (a while meaning like years). See, a long time ago, before the age when Xanga had things like "friend lock" and "Xanga lock", my old pastor Xanga-stalked me and used what I wrote to slander me, persecute me, and just do a bunch of nasty things. But I was really attached to Xanga and of course didn't want to get rid of like a years worth of entires, so I spent hours and hours going back and making every public entry into protected ones. Anyway, that time has long gone, and I've decided to make those old entries public again. That way, me or anyone can use the little date jumper drop down thing on the left to jump to any date of my past.

Going through my old entries, I am constantly reminded of what an idiot I used to be. In the November 10, 2003 entry, I said that I would like to be married at the age of 22. Wow. I'm 22 now. Back then I thought 22 was so old, and a prime age to be married. Man that just makes me feel so old. At the same time, I know I'm way too young to be married or anywhere near it.

My entries were more entertaining back then, and some were a bit outrageous. January 21, 2004 is a short entry that's terrible yet shamefully funny.

Man, going through these entries are making me nostalgic. I'll admit I had to use a thesaurus to find that word. I thought it was pronounced (and spelled) "noglostic." From now on I will try to not use words I can't spell. Man, that severely limits my writing vocabulary. Anyways, getting off track, sorry. If you guys don't know, I can be a little (just a little) sentimental sometimes. Sometimes I think about friends who were very dear to me, dearly loved friends from the past. I wonder if these friends ever realize how much they meant to me, how much they still mean to me, and how much I think about them from time to time even now. Anyway, despite how I seemed to mention female friends so much in my old entries (man I was an idiot), one friend dear friend whom I've lost touch with is Matt. Matt and I used to be best friends in high school. He was probably the first real best friend I had. Sadly, after a series of moves and fights, I've completely lost track of him. His number's changed, his screen name's changed, where he lives and who he lives with has changed, and maybe even his last name changed (at least his mom's has). I think my only hope of ever finding him again is if he decides to make a facebook, though that'd still be a long shot. Did you know you can search for facebook friends using your AIM buddy list? Not that that'd help me, but I thought it was pretty amazing- technology.

Tonight I discovered that I live really close to a lighted outdoor basketball court. When I first heard, I thought it was like heaven. But somehow, when I got there, I didn't have much enthusiasm while playing. It happened even before Martin started drilling me and working me to the ground to do side shuffles and back paddles. I hope I'm not losing my love for basketball...

I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm stealing this from an old Xanga entry, but everyone, please please fill it out for me:
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you?

On Friday, I played basketball 1 on 1 against a 7 foot tall guy. The annual Laborday tournerment is on August 30th. Untill then, training continues. 

I hate not being able to fall asleep at night. Not only do I end up tired and not able to wake up the next morning, but lying there at night with nothing to do, I go emotionally haywire and start overthinking. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until 4AM.

~~*rANdOm thOugHTs*~*~~

Lying there awake at night, my thought started drifting to all the times I was praised for talent. Most retreats that I go to, and every year at Chapter Focus Week, people always tell me that I have a gift for studying the scriptures. This past year I took a track that had to do with evangelism instead of scriptures and the leaders said I had "a natural gifting for evangelism." Even Professor Balch said I would make "a natural chemist" which is a joke, because chemistry is my weakest science. To be honest, it does make me really happy and greatly encouraged to hear such things, but I simply don't think it's true. I've seen gifted, and I'm not it. James and Dan Shiau are gifted. Ash is gifted, charismatic, magnetic, and charming. Even Noelle is frighteningly gifted academically. Compared to them, I'm more like low-interest-loaned than gifted. But as I sat there thinking, I decided that even if I only had "two talents" I would use everything I've got for God and give it my all.

I was trying to fall asleep, listening to Avril Lavigne and Michelle branch. I realized I hadden't listend to secular music in a long time. I used to love that kind of music, but as I lay there listening to it, I thought it was kind of stupid. The lyrics are so dumb; it's so emotionally saturated and mellowdramatic. That type of emotionally charged pop music mostly stems from an innacurate understanding of what real love is. It's more a reflection of trivial drama stemming from selfish love and a lack of wisdom. Man, and Dan Shiau think's I'm "emotionally intense" now... Some of my friends think I'm sappy or sensitive now, but I was like 1000x more gushy with emotions back then. I used to be as emotionally saturated as two teenage girls watching a chick flick on Friday night after a bad break up.   -_-'
But sometimes, I do miss those days. Like when I'm lying a wake at night, trying to fall asleep, and especially suscuptable to going emotinoally haywire. Thing's seemed more... "colorfull" back then. Those days, every word and every motion meant more. The highs were higher and the lows were lower. Every bad thing felt liek the end of the world, but I somehow never seemed to notice the world never ended. Everything seemed so much more significant and thing seemed more real.
Then I realized something. That wasn't reality. Wisdom disillusioned me and maturity opened my eyes. Life was that way because I made myself the center of the universe and romantic love was exaulted as the highest idol. And that's just not right. Perhaps wisdom and maturity leads to peace and steady joy in God, which is why the lows never seem as low; because God always heals, always recovers. And I'm no longer lamenting, whining, and selfishly brooding in my own misery like I used to. In reality, things only seemed more intense. The highs never seemed as high?! Am I insane?! Perhaps in this relapse, I had momentarily forgotten all of the intense times of worship, of God touching my life, of the godly sorrow that comes from conviction of personal sin, of the rapturous joy of His grace, of the love and friendship that was worth dying for, of the weeks of fasting, of the mind blowing blessings and saving grace, of hearts on fire, of glorious worship, and of so much more!! Back then, living selfishly with the perspective of everything around myself, I would never be able to come close to anything that could ever compare to the joy of knowing God. And this is only a glimpse.
Someday, I'll learn to fully delight myself in the Lord. Then I'll know what true, lasting joy that never dissapoints is.
Someday, I'll see clearly how much God loves me. Then I'll experience love like nothing in this world and explode with perfect, beautiful love.
Someday...

Yesterday I went to Jin's birthday celebration at the park by his house in Vernon Hills. I didn't know anyone else there at first, but we had a lot of fun anyways. We chilled, played games, ate, and later the guys balled.

we played this game that resembled blind tag, except every time the person who was "it" called "fish out of water" everyone on the wood chips would be it instead

Sophia, Jane, Angela, and Eunice's brother

...but the game was too easy, so I suggested playing "contagiously diseased blind fish" which is pretty much the same thing except that everyone who gets tagged stays "it"

afterwards, we had some food to eat

and Jin opened his presents

Jin's presents

After basketball, me, Jin, Vincent, and Jason went and took everything back to Jin's. Me and Jin took a shower, then the four of us went to Lollicup for boba tea and fruit freezes. Around 9PM, we went over to Peter and David Ling's for CASC youth group. The basement was just the way I remembered it the first time I visited years ago in high school, except that back then there was a blue board thingie and Jane Cho lead worship. When we went back to Jin's, more people came over to play poker. I actually won a lot of money for the first time ever, but there was some miscalculation with the money and I got screwed over and didn't get paied in full.  Since it was so late, I stayed over. In the morning Peter and his mom came to give me and Jin a ride to CASC. It was my first time going to that church. It was a blessing time. Anyways afterwards we went to play more basketball until my legs almost fell off.

So much for a fun weekend... with absolutely no homework accomplished, and impending doom with class and lab comming up tomorrow.